There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
…That is a lie. There are times when I can go whole hours without noticing it.
But any time I have to do something involving conscious thought, up it pops. My body is hard-wired to react negatively to encounters with reality. Everything is just another sign that I’m inferior. That I will never live up to my own expectations. That I’m a failure as a human-being.
I’m trying to accept these feelings. This despair that smothers me. But it’s exhausting. I get a few hours a day when I feel strong enough to function, but the rest of the time I just want to curl up and […]
When the bath’s drawn, the phone’s off, the house is empty… as it always will be… what do you do? When there’s no friend to call, no family in existence, no job to work, no place to attend, tomorrow, nor the next day, nor the day after, no car to drive, no health to live? What then? Cannot one simply slip into oblivion, forevermore? Isn’t that okay now? Finally?
I’m stalling. Why? Is there a man to stampede through the front door, thumping his chest with the almighty courage of one in love, to say, nay! Not tonight! This shall not be! Whisking me away in his arms, hair […]
I had a pretty good day today. I felt somewhat happy all day. It was a nice cloudy day and I’ve been happily enjoying my body and the lack of anxiety and depression that it feels today. However, I ran into an old friend at a restaurant and we chatted for a few minutes. I really hate talking to old friends because we have to summarize the last amount of years in a few sentences. I felt unaccomplished and having to tell him that I have basically done nothing with my life in the past years makes me feel annoyed and my anxiety crept back […]
I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe so that I can just get it out of my system now and have something for other people to read after I’m dead. Maybe for some other reason. I don’t know.
My history with suicide is filled with twists and turns. Ever since I was ten years old, I could tell that I wasn’t normal and that no matter what I tried, I would never be able to fit in with other people due to my inconsistent and abnormal disposition. This idea stemmed from the fact that throughout my life as a child, I never really had any friends. There […]
I don’t know..
Are all my problems enough?
Is it enough to die?
Perhaps I’m just a young naive girl, in her depressed years, before she’s a woman. Think she’s the only person and her problems would change the world.
I don’t know.
There a so many people, with so many problems. I don’t know them all. Perhaps their life is much harder, than my life it is and they still alive.
What is a real reason, to kill yourself?
Are my problems enough to die?
I don’t know.
I believe I am apart of a minority of people. I suffer depression and anxiety, but I am far too caring to kill myself. I couldn’t do that to my family. I’ve tried antidepressants, they did nothing. Someone I know from school recently went into a Mental Hospital and I am angry. She is in there because 3 months ago, her friend killed himself. She knows the reason as to why she feels so bad. I have no idea why I feel like this. My life is good, better than many. I am not ungrateful nor am I selfish, but I hate being alive. I […]
Hi, everyone.
I’m feeling better than yesterday.
Migraine is gone, at least for now.
I can sit up without getting dizzy, and I can open my eyes without feeling like I’m going to throw up a small continent.
In fact, today I felt well enough to get out and actually DO a few things.
Yay for things.
How are the rest of you doing?
To my future husband, I haven’t met you yet, and I probably never will. I’m sorry, I’m sorry I couldn’t be strong enough to have waited in this world for you. I’m sorry I killed our great love affair before it was even conceived.
To my unborn child/children, I’m sorry I’ll never get to bring you into this world, I’m sorry I’ll never get the opportunity to leave a part of myself to the next generation. Oh my dear babies I’m sorry I was too much of a mess that meant motherhood would always elude me.
To my future, I’m sorry the present destroyed my desire to […]
The satiety center in my brain is on overdrive craving entertainment, but my appetite for joy is like anhedonic quicksand enveloping every attempt at satisfaction. I have been searching for something, can’t really say what it is.
At times it feels like I need social interaction, but nothing really curbs that needy feeling. I can hardly talk to my closest of friends. My old internet community doesn’t feel welcoming anymore as I pissed the majority of them off (imagine that =P.). I can’t find a place to call home really, not any longer at least. I sought out an old girlfriend, our relationship formed into […]
I’m astounded I never heard of suicide project before, seeing as I’ve fantasized about, planned and studied suicide for many many years. Whenever I dare to get close enough with someone that I might actually feel happy, they sense my deep depression and ask the inevitable – are you suicidal? That doesn’t satisfy them, no. They have to go further. How often do you think of suicide? That’s when they flee.
The bonds I need in order to cease feeling suicidal are not available to me until I’m no longer suicidal.
And around and around we go.
Isit wrong to say that iv had enough of living ? I feel iv done enough and seen enough life sucks now how the hell isit going to be better the olderI get ? even as I child I didn’t want to live a long life Im kind of greatful I made it to 26 let alone 62 that means iv lived two life times in my eyes thought my time would come when I was 18 I wanted to die then and I still do now a decade later I’m still here by gods will I’ll live up to 99 I bet no physical […]
so last night I was having a conversation with my mum and one thing lead the the other and I basically said I wanted to die I explained how I feel like iv lived enough already and I can’t take no more I haven’t planned on killing my self yet but now I feel worst because she worrying about me I told her not to worry about me and she started crying saying what would become of her she knows I’m in pain but still wants me to tough it out but I’m not as strong as she thinks I am I’m passed breaking point […]
when it happened i was yielding
waiting waiting waiting
for someone to come i didnt know it yet
i didnt realize i was waiting grasping on to each breath like it was going to be my last
it happened so gradually i never once closed my eyes and shouted the word no
people take that as acceptance as if its such a black and white matter it is gray space and static it is no opposite there is no box holding me in or leaving me out
my hurt is not romantic nor is it happy hurt it is not hurt that i cry […]
Why can’t life be simple why is there so much pain and suffering why do we always want the things we can’t have were the light st the end of the tunnel when do we get to find happiness ? When u been suicidal for so long u start to question you existence what is the real meaning of life ? Iv bad enough of it all ready
I wasn’t planning on it, but come to think of it tonight is as good a time as any. I could do it and not be found for long enough for it to have a shot at working.
I’ve been considering death for long enough that I know it isn’t a passing fancy. I also know that 2am is not the best time to make impulsive decisions with permanent consequences, but I thought to myself before that the only thing between me and death was the selfishness to stop caring about whatever effects my death will have on the people I leave behind (funny how inconsequential […]
Whatever it is. ….. I can’t …..
I feel like… I’m not depressed enough. Does that make any sense? Like, I’m not suicidal enough to be here. I don’t fit in.
I’m not numb. I feel. I feel a lot. I can’t describe it though. Sad, yes but not that sad. Angry, a little. I guess, well… I feel like a radio stuck between 2 stations. 2 different songs alternating, making no sense and a shit load of static.
The fuck is emotional static?
Really had enough life isn’t for everyone and I’m one of them people I’m not sure how much longer I can hold on life don’t get better should have killed my self last May but my attempt wasn’t that great I’m scared of heights which is 100% and hanging ain’t really my thing so il left with 3 options wrist throat or OD I’m not sure when im planning on trying again but things ain’t getting better and I can’t take the emotional pain no more
Today I looked back at the times when I was moments away from killing myself and I remember there was something telling me not to, that pesky survival instinct or “will to live” all humans have. I was thinking about my attempt planned for this summer and I asked myself why I set such an arbitrary time frame. That’s when I realized it wasn’t arbitrary, it was so I could use a shotgun that I don’t have access to until then. Which brought into question why I didn’t plan my attempt around the hundreds of other ways I could kill myself before that. Survival instinct […]