every time a relationship starts to deepen, my brain starts to protest and makes me feel pain I can’t understand. But I think tonight, I finally understand where all this pain stems from. My excuses for running away from someone I like are “they don’t really like me in that way” or “I am not good enough for them”. If I look back to my childhood, I realize that my mom gave me mixed signals about love. I was loved if I was obedient, and I was given the cold shoulder if I disobeyed. I was not taught how to love or what real love […]
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excuses
The panic has started to set in again as my mum has repeatedly mentioned that I have to go back to college tomorrow.
Despite threatening to not even go into the building, she’s still insistent that I go. She warned me about if my personal tutor rings her again if I’m not in. I can’t go in. The Others are still there. They’re in my class, and I’ll die if I go in. I’ve ran out of excuses to stay off.
I’ve had multiple panic attacks this weekend just thinking about going in. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I need to get out of […]
Faced some harsh truths this weekend. I’m probably just as, if not more heartless than I perceive those around me. The deep angry hatred for everything is growing. I’m conflicted. How can I be so full of hate and be so empty?
I’ve committed some unspeakable atrocity. In the name of self righteous vengeance. The sad reality, I’m not capable of hating anyone more than I hate myself.
My, wife, surely abuses me. But I guess I deserve it. I’m a terrible person. I’ve done and do despicable things. I have nothing good to give anyone.
I tried to kill myself long before her. I will again whether […]
Love, is just an excuse to accept abuse.
When the tides of life sweep you up like a tsunami no matter how good the ship is you either abandon it or drown but that is a joke because they are one in the same. I tried I really did but this year I am going to kill myself. I feel 5 years past due with the first attempt being at 15 now at 20 I am still plagued by all of my past grievances plus adult issues and I realize it’s a never ending shit show. When you go day by day making up excuses to live you just kinda start to wonder […]
This time of the year is literally so hard. It is hard for me to concentrate. I hate making excuses for myself but I just try to close up this time of year. Daddy has been gone for three years now and it doesn’t get any easier. I miss him so much. There are so many anniversaries this time of year. Nov. 29th, 2012, the day I had to call the cops on my own mother because she tried to fight me in the street. Nov. 30th, 2012, the day my daddy died in my arms. Dec. 8th, 2012, the day I planned, all by […]
I was going to write once I got back from work but my mom decided to make it a movie night since I wasn’t feeling so good.
So on my way to work I was feeling really sick. I was feeling really lightheaded, nauseous, and at the same time my blood pressure was really high. For a minute I thought maybe, just maybe I was going to have a heart attack and to be honest, I wouldn’t have minded if I did. When I got to work I didn’t know if I really wanted to spend the entire day feeling like this so I told my […]