I used to enjoy softball. It was hard work, sometimes it was draining, but I actually like. I don’t think I do anymore. Everyone expects something from me. My parents and tournament softball coach think that I can play college and expect so much more than I’m capable of. My high school coach thinks I can’t do anything and doesn’t give me a chance. He expects nothing from me. I can’t deal with all of this. I wish I could go back and start over. I wish I was more athletic. I wish I was more confident in myself. I wish people could see […]
So another poster had posted a Bo Burnham song, which led me to click on other videos. Thought this was quite an interesting song. What do you think?
It seems like for so many people, relationships or family is what keeps them alive or gives their life meaning. I’m kind of the opposite, though. In my adult life I’ve never gotten much benefit from close relationships. Eventually I tend to feel trapped, or burdened by their expectations. And because I’m so hypersensitive, the inevitable squabbles and conflicts can be excruciating for me. So I get very little of the good and all of the bad.
At the same time, I’m not immune to loneliness, as much as I wish I could just go live in an abandoned cave for the rest of my life. So it’s always […]
I self-medicate with alcohol quite a bit.
When I’m faced with stress, often the only thing I want is to put a big fucking wall around myself so that no one can bother me. All my life I’ve been told that it’s not OK to want that, so then I usually start feeling guilt and self-loathing and an urge to do something self-destructive. Plus the original anxiety is still there. Alcohol both numbs the anxiety and satisfies the self-destructive urge, and I haven’t figured out a better way to deal with that combination of feelings.
Plus, when I hear my father’s voice in my head telling me to get over it, […]
When it comes to tasks of any significance, I will always be inadequate. When it comes to intellect, I will always be severely lacking. I am however, skilled in unintentionally feigning adequacy or intelligence. This allows for people to believe that they can rely on me, which is inevitably followed by my inability to meet their expectations. This failure to contribute in any meaningful way to society is one among many reasons that I’ve mandated my own death.
i was accepted to Stanford.
everyone is happy.
So why not me?
pressure pressure pressure
I don’t want to go to medical school.
I don’t want to live other people’s expectations, dreams, morals.
So
i
left.
Heading towards Oregon and I’ve never felt so free.
Ive been suicidal my whole life.
All I wanted was freedom and it was waiting for me right outside my door this whole time.
I finally listened to my instincts and went against odds.
The only thing I want to say to people who are unhappy- is just to do what’s makes you happy on your our own means.
follow your instincts.
Im free
and so the adventure begins.
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. I’ve been pretty depressed and anxious ever since. And my mom just found out I failed 3 of my classes last tri, and she said she’s gonna take my phone and car away if I don’t get better grades. That really worries me because my music is on my phone and I rely on my music daily. Everything’s getting a lot harder to deal with. If I see him in the cafeteria at school, I get sick to my stomach and I usually don’t end up eating very much, if at all. I feel like […]
…That is a lie. There are times when I can go whole hours without noticing it.
But any time I have to do something involving conscious thought, up it pops. My body is hard-wired to react negatively to encounters with reality. Everything is just another sign that I’m inferior. That I will never live up to my own expectations. That I’m a failure as a human-being.
I’m trying to accept these feelings. This despair that smothers me. But it’s exhausting. I get a few hours a day when I feel strong enough to function, but the rest of the time I just want to curl up and […]
I like the idea behind this site, but I’m trying to keep my expectations low before I spill my guts.
Can anyone see my email address? I rarely use it, but I noticed I had to supply an email for here and Gravatar in order to get my avatar.
I’m also curious about how big and how active this community is.
I look forward to getting to know some of you, and maybe posting more about myself in the future.
Im tired of people saying everything is gonna be okay.. It’s not its really not. I’m tired so tired.. My dad won’t help me and my sister out. We’re gonna…. We’ve lost the apartment annd were gonna be put on the street.. And its like he doesn’t care. He helps sometime but this is a dire problem.. And everytime we bring up the topic he just ignores us. He pays my step moms rent and lights but he can’t even spare 350 for a deposit.. I’m tired I’m going to shove this. Knife so far up my wrist vain. They won’t be able to save […]
English: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEgmxilFyaI
Japanese: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idLksB9YUIw
In order to just breathe, I keep meaningful songs in my arsenal until another day comes along. This is one of them, a powerful melody.
“As time is passing on and all my limbs are slowly growing along
The things to love’s a multiplying song
And its growth, is racing at a stupid rate, my only option is hate
So I just have to throw them out with no doubt
And so that I am able to provide you with love
The greedy person that hides inside me
Would soon see, that he would have to stop adoring everything that he is;
The clumsiness was a creation […]
Damn. This night my mom and dad and the rest of my family got together to watch this video about this guy who grew up in poverty and now he’s a doctor or something. My moms like all “you guys are so smart and have so much potential. Your sister in college is working so hard studying and u guys need to work hard to”. She doesn’t get it. I’m an unbalanced human. You know those character in the games that you have to distribute the points to different characteristic for there intelligence, strength, etc. I’m so unbalanced. I’m pretty smart and pretty athletic, but […]
i’ve tried. i really did. i gave everyone around me at least one chance to try and help me. but no one actually bothered. and i can’t tell anyone, because i feel fidgety whenever i tell anyone. because of all sorts of things. i’m detached from the world, i don’t have any true friends who will be there with me 24/7, even in front of my closer friends, i still have to pretend. why? because i’m scared they will all run away the moment they see all my flaws. i’m scared that once people see the real me, they won’t want to be […]
Words that have poisoned me
Saying I shouldn’t be
Shouldn’t be like this
There’s no reason to
Reason to do what I do
It’s been the same for years,
Telling what I don’t want to hear
Telling me to get through on my own
So unknowing, you were ignorantly bliss
While I fell into an abyss,
You, who still filled me with lies, such ugly lies
Look me in the eyes,
There were toxic things you said.
This was your influence
I never thought this way,
Not until […]