My whole life I’ve been told that I was smart. Smart enough to do anything I wanted. I would be the one in the family to go the furthest and make everyone proud. Well, here I am, about to fail my first class in grad school. There’s no way out of it now, save death. The final is Monday, and I know nothing. Every time I try to study I look blankly at the slides for about a half hour, then cry for an hour, then I’m so exhausted all I want to do is take a shower and go to sleep. Everywhere I turn […]
Tag:
Faces
A few weeks ago, my friend told me that she had bulimia. The next week I told my friends that I had depression and cut. I learned that another friend had the same problems. They are both getting help, but I still make sure sure that she is not left alone after she has eaten high calorie foods. I find myself looking at my friend’s wrists daily. Recently, I told them that I was hearing a voice that was telling me to kill myself and the look on their faces scared me. I never realized that one month could change everything. I don’t go to […]
I have been feeling really low for years I am a 5’11 African american 22 year old fat girl I intimidate people so I can understand why some people turn their faces up when I enter the room or when I do something embarrassing why they judge me with their eyes sometimes I want to  take myself out of this world so as to not burden my family. My shameful trying face is my problem its fake to me That face of  mine that tries at life the me that is happy feel like all an act to work for an empty place that never exists and I’m starting to feel like even strangers can […]
My world is sinking in
Ankle-deep
And skin, too thin.
Trapped in solitude,
Surrounded by multitudes,
Misunderstood
Left unprotected,
Left too corrected.
Caught in a dream world,
Not here, not there.
Nowhere.
Bullet in my head,
Swinging from a tree,
Buried six feet under,
Why won’t she die?
Â
Ripped and broken,
Torn a sunder,
With a heart like hers,
It’s a wonder.
Let her wander,
In the desert,
Through the mud,
There is no water,
Only sun..
Breaking chains,
Breaking free,
Still feel bound,
To every day.
Breaking hearts,
Broken mind,
Breaking promises,
Need to unwind.
Breaking faces with fists of iron,
And suffering the consequences
From whence they burn.
Time to sleep,
Time to die,
It’s better than this,
Unable to cry.
Foundering in my thoughts,
Left to think,
It’s a crime,
To plot to murder yourself
For less than the dime
You found in your wallet,
Hidden in […]
A stranger hides behind my face,
Someone which no one sees.
A broken soul,
imprisoned by remorse,
longing to be set free.
A stranger walks on by your home,
unnoticed by your eye,
You think its me, when it’s not,
My faces’ clever lie,
Chained to darkness,
but not by choice,
Punishment befitting my sins,
Regret and bitter judgement,
ever closing in.
It steals my name,
It wears my clothes,
this stranger,
that everyone knows.
Her story
Why wont he just come over. I thought in my head. WHY! WHY! WHY! The blood that keep dripping from my arm wouldn’t stop. In the back ground the song Easy by Rascal Flatts was on. I looked at the clock and seen it was 10 o’clock. I dropped to the groundn and started pulling on my hair, screaming and balling my eyes out. I am curled up into a ball not being able to move..
“I hate you!â€
“ I know I’m sorry.â€
“You don’t know mom! You are putting me in her just like a animal!â€
“I’m trying to help you!â€
Then the door slammed open. […]
I’m just going to write and I’m not going to bother writing well. I know I will die of suicide, I just know it, since i was 12 i had a bet on with myself that i wouldn’t make it past nineteen, so just two years to go and it should be over. I’m not even going to bother going through all the shit I have been through, starting when i was four years old, and yet i tell people it all the time for the joy of seeing their faces. I’ve been raped and abused both sexually and emotionally (suprisingly the emotional abuse is […]
How to start,while my hands are shaking and i finally made myself cry after a long time of trying to be strong and keep it all inside me. It sounds like another lame and pathetic story about how misunderstood someone can be. Honestly i had my moments of searching for attention but this time i just want revenge. I promise this will be my last selfish act towards everyone i know. I really wanted to make everything right again but when my own mother says that i am naive and stupid how am i supposed to feel about myself, how i am i supposed to […]
Worried faces stare at me,
I try and hide the agony,
Buried within, so deep inside ,
So deep that I no longer cry.
nothing helps to cure the pain,
blood from my wrists like crimson rain,
so sad and helpless what to do,
When you have no one to turn to.
Close my eyes, get some sleep,
Silent tears no longer weep,
feel like nobody has to know
An eternal slumber i will go,
Eyelids heavy drift away,
To a hopeful bright and newer place,
How lost I was, when I found out,
The outcome of my chosen route,
my minds racing, so constantly,
i hardly have time to breathe,
Who knew the choice to just give up,
Would lead to a neverending depression.
Well im only 15, about to start 10th grade next months. To be honest feel like im about to start hell. Having to see the same faces i’ve seen for the past years. I really feel like giving up now. Im so worthless. Really. And im sure no one would really be hurt if i was gone. Most of my friends turned their back on me. Ive always been an insecure little shit. And today i realized im really a big hypocrate. A pathetic brat. im just so mad at myself…… I’ve always hurt the people around me, everyone really. Im sure there isnt even […]
I am still here. I have released this negative energy from me, for now. I still have my hiccups, and that’s normal. I’ve meditated and asked for love to fill my heart. I’ve asked for my heart to relinquish all forms of hate, guilt, and envy; because I have no room for those things. Most of all, I have begun to forgive myself for the loss of a dear friend. We all need ourselves to heal emotionally and spiritually. I have a dream of healing others…I want to save as many people as I can and pay my respects to those I could not…This is […]
My Suicide Story
I wanna kill myself so bad, i cut myself everyday, i wish people knew what i was going through. I live with my dad who threnthed to rearange my face, he said he will put my mouth on the other side of my face, make me blind, he also said by the time the doctors got done i would never be pretty again, Evan the doctors wouldnt look at me. My brother comes next he threw me in my room and busted myhead up against my drew, and then broke my bed. My uncle done worst when he punched me in my […]
I thought I was better. Until this last month. Everything always crushes you with every pound it has. Everyones fake faces and voices and fake friendships even fake family. I recently started cutting and taking sleeping pills again. Sleep is so much more comforting. Even a nightmare is more peaceful than having to talk to and look anyone in their plastic eyes. I’m back to sleeping 16 hour days and cutting in the shower.
Please listen to my music
Soundcloud.com/virtue_official
I really don’t feel like typing all of this out again, so I’m just gonna copy the text I sent my friend then eplain a little maybe
” Idk if I told u what happened Thursday but I don’t really wanna talk about it anymore. And today I was actually convinced that I didn’t exsist until Nick came up to be friendly which he will never know how much that meant to me. I’ve never been closer to a breakdown. Desks would have been flipped and then I’d probly fall to my knees and scream. I couldn’t take being shy in that moment. I had […]
My whole life has been a battlefield. It’s just I am not like most people I know. Maybe I am way too sensitive for the kind of world I live in. I hate the ethics of how the world works, or possibly the lack of. Anytime I get out of my house I look around me  and think “Why do people choose to be bad?”… Yes, many people are simply bad people or just confused. Maybe if we had the answers to life after death, then maybe the world would work in unison, but obviously we’ll never know until we face death. Now I have […]
I just wanna know if this is the right thing to do?
I haven’t been to school for the last three days, I told my mum it was because I felt ill. I deliberatly made myself ill so that I wouldn’t have to go. The reason is, I get bullied really badly at school all because of this boy who found out that I self harmed and that I’m suicidal. He spread it round the school and now everyone knows, I’m too scared to talk to anyone and I’m too scared to go to school. Also I have so much homework that I haven’t done because […]
I always feel so alone. I just want someone to hold me and tell me they love me. I want to trust that my friends actually are my friends, and aren’t just nice to me because they feel bad for me. I want them to come to my room (I live at a residential school), instead of me always going to their room. I want them to message me first. I want to know that they love me. They are all that keep me here; if they leave me, I’ll leave the world. I want their faces to light up when they see me, the […]
I know it will it is just the details I want to fill in. I see knifes and I get ideas. I see my moms diabetic medication and I get ideas. I go to school I walk upon the top of the staircase and I see the bottom and I  get ideas.  I today held a knife and pointed it to my chest. I know I’m not afraid of dying. I’m sick of being treated like shit. I am infected with the misery decease which was stung into my heart by the needle of destruction. I see my money and I see guns online and I […]
My life is so miserable because my parents are separated and my mom and dad doesn’t care about me anymore…. and I am so ugly that my classmates always laugh at my face and nobody wants to befriend with me because im ugly.I dont have friends and i am very poor and everybody hates me because im too shy to befriend with them and they always tease me and embarass me infront of my classmates.When i look at the mirror i always cry because im so ugly that nobody wants to be with me even my parents laugh at may face, im an outcast.I always […]