I’ve tried for a very long to just simply put on a mask and fake it till I make it when it comes to being okay. I don’t have much energy left for it though. I can tell my mask has begun to crack and the will I had to hold on and hold out has been fading much more rapidly that ever before. I don’t have anyone to talk with on any of this nor have I ever. What I hate most about it, is I hardly feel there is even a reason I should feel like this. I just cant find a way […]
Gee I wonder what it will be like going back to school after an entire summer of no socialization. I theorize that it’s always been this way. Elders say today’s generation have no respect, and teenagers feel like no one understands them, they feel jaded and unique to the crowd. I wonder if I appear to other people as just another bumbling fuckhead, unaware of the inevitable. I think we all just put on fake smiles and think to ourselves how awful and stupid everyone else is. Friends are essentially accepted societal masochism. The only one I hate more then you is myself.
I feel sad all the time. I cant even watch a kids movie without thinking the fake cartoon I see on the screen is the saddest thing out. I just wanna be normal again and this pain to go away, im sick of feeling this way
It started when I moved schools. I thought this would be a fresh start but one of my old best friends decided to ruin it since I was “taking her place”. She told the entire school I sent this boy nudes and that I stalked the most popular boy in our grade who was my guy best friend. Then to make it even worse she told my group “the populars” who excepted me and took me in that I called the head volleyball player in our school fat for no reason. I got home from gymnatics and had no idea this had even happend yet […]
I’m absolutely fucked. No one knows but its true. If your read this through than you’ll know but those that know me they won’t know, i’ll make sure of it. I’m 18 years old, just finished high school and going to be starting college next year. This absolutely should be the best time of my life right, or at least that’s what all those movies made me believe. I’m the one in the family that you probably get compared to. The one who is polite and behaves and has never had a boyfriend even though shes smart and easy to talk to. The reality is […]
An old acquaintance of mine used to have a radio show and once in a while he would pull off a fake commercial and let the audience vote on whether or not they thought it was legit. One of my favorites was “Euthanasia Cruises”. For $2500 you could book passage on a luxury ocean liner that sailed out past the 20 mile limit. Then the passengers could do whatever they wanted for three days and nights – eat, drink, do drugs, have sex with each other – whatever they felt like doing and as much as they wanted. Then after the three days everyone gets […]
it’s so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. its not a mental thing– its a physical thing. it is physically hard to open your mouth and talk. the words come out like your retarded and you just cant do anything about it. we were born to die, right? so i might as well just end it now… its crazy how this world can be so confusing. i try to be someone im not so people love me… i fake a smile so people dont question me. i pretend that it doesnt hurt but in reality im in so much pain its crazy. […]
Has anyone had any success faking being happy? If so, I want to hear your ideas…. PLEASE. Iwork at this job that I don’t like at all and I am so depressed that it is getting hard to get up each day. But, I MUST appear happy at work. Our company serves these rich people and you must be nicey-nice and kissy-butt all of the time. I MUST be cheerful, sunny and bright, no matter how terrible or tired I feel.
I know I’m walking around with this stupid, fake goddamn smile pasted on my face, but I risk losing my job if I do not. […]
I always end up in a depressed state, eating disorder state, anxiety state and so on. Every time I’m in these states, I always end up convincing myself that I’m okay and by acting so fake and by acting like I’m okay, I begin to believe I am, even though I’m still sick.  And when I realize that I’m not okay, I end up back in these states. The truth is, although depression, self harm, bulimia and so on are killing me inside and hurting me, I actually love being depressed, self harming and having an eating disorder, but I end up loving these sicknesses until they […]
Would you go?
To my funeral I mean
If I got the courage
To kill myself
If I knew you in person
You would meet my parents
And my sister
Though she’s a bit mean
When I die
And they put me 6 feet under
And a grave on top
Of the earth for me
If you visit my grave
Not saying you have to
But if you do
Please don’t bring flowers
Unless they’re fake
I like carnations then
They remind me
Of Valentine’s day
I never got a carnation
But I always gave them
To my friends
Because they never got them either
I also like roses
Red to […]
I can’t get out of my own head.
All the things I used to care about I don’t anymore. I used to care about working with youth and becoming a teacher and Changing someone’s life. Now I’ve dropped out of teaching school and my extra curricular activity working with youth.
I feel very unimportant in all aspects of my life. My hours at work got cut, now that other people have been hired I’m not important at work anymore. I stopped going to youth as my importance there dropped off. I used to do lectures there and now I’m not asked to do that anymore. I don’t know […]
did everyone have a good saturday?  well here is the state of my world. i received an invitation to go out hang with my friends whom i haven’t seen in a while. the invite panicked me. none of these people know my current state of mind. and i have no inclination to fill them in. so i am at home alone, which is how i prefer to be these days. what does that say when contact from friends i have had for years makes me panic and cry? probably not a good thing . i prefer to be alone and not have to talk to […]
I remember when we were children
And we wished so much
To grow up already
And to be a grown up
Or most likely a teenager.
I remember when I was a kid
I had the biggest imagination
And I still do, but it’s not as magical
It was this big thing that I loved
I still love it too, but not as much now
I remember when I wished
I wished to be a teenager already
To not be treated as a child
To put on heels and sophisticated outfits
To do hard and difficult math equations
I remember when my hopes were high
My hopes were […]
I’ll admit it, I still think about her every day. I don’t want to. The memories are wrong, twisted. They don’t bring a smile, or a feeling of joy. They just bring me down. The happiest moments of my life, and they are all fake. Oh, at the time I didn’t know they were fake, but now I know. Lying in bed together, holding her as she fell asleep. The love I felt for her, the love she felt for me. The happiest moment. But it was a lie. There was no love from her, no feeling at all.
I burned whatever bridge was left […]
I just wish I can go back in time where happiness really did exist and where you didn’t have to think about smiling bc it just happend when you were truly happy and not having to fake it . I just wish I can go back in time where your sister was your true best friend and had that sister relationship that no one can break , where you told eachother everything and stood up for eachother And cared about one another . I just wish I can go back in time  when your best friends were really your best friends the ones you call […]
So i get blamed for everything when it comes around my friends. They fight they put me in the middle they stop talking “omg its all your fault you shouldnt even got in it the first place” um excuse you ***** youre the one putting me in the middle of this shit so how about you fuck off you fucking ****. Relationship ends they tell me to help them cause they dont what to do i tell them straight up facts of why it didnt work “omg youre not even helping dont even try anymore okay even if i listen itll end and its going […]
My mother is a complete psycho ***** that hates me to the extent of why I wonder I haven’t blown my brains out a lot if times I wonder if I’m even her son or something else to her like property and my dad is a wanna be thug who TRIES to relate to me when he was NEVER there for me and suddenly thinks that he can come back and think I will have no hard feelings towards him my grandparents think I mess everything up maybe it’s true I pretty much have nobody all of my friends I’ve made are on Xbox and […]
I see my smiles in the mirror and I don’t even know if they are real or fake they feel the same now …..reality is now a living nightmare that I can’t wake up from ……I don’t know what is doing on anymore or who I am …..just existing
I suffer in silence but so desperately want to be heard.
Don’t ask me whats wrong because I wont be able to tell you- just know whats wrong with me and tell me it will be okay.
Tell me things will get better.
Things wont get better right? I mean whats the difference between this school and another. Whats the difference between this town and any other?
Whats the difference between the you you hate now and the you, you’ll hate tomorrow.
As much as I’d like to think things will get better when I get out of this country I cant help but realize that the problem is me.
me: […]
You do something wrong people shun you. You step out of line then they punish you. You say something wrong people ignore you. You dress the wrong way people gossip about you. You talk or act different people push you away. You stand up to a bully then you’re the bad guy. You try to be nice then you’re the outcast. You get raped then people say you’re the whore/slut. You’re parents don’t want you then people say you’re worthless. You show your feelings then people say you’re dramatic. You show your depression then they say you fake it. You finally kill yourself…. yet people […]