hello. it has been so long since i have even been one here. since april actually. but i decided to come back on.
i feel done with life. im not living anymore. im just the walking dead, like a zombie. literally. i cant concentrate on anything. and ill probably be made to go to rehab soon because i couldnt stop smoking weed. well i dont really care. im planning on killing myself before that happens. i know for a fact that i can never be happy again. thats just never gonna happen. im just completely done. i dont even want to be around my best […]
Tag:
Fear
I am 23 years old. Â I am a new to this forum. Â The reason I joined is because I feel relentlessly hopeless like all of you. Â I feel I no longer have an escape. Â I have burned all my previous ties with my family and friends, and I have not had a social life in over 2 years. In fact, I do not even leave the house anymore. Â I am alone, in debt, and miserably empty.
In High school I had an extremely fruitful social life.  At the age of 18 I was slowly covered by a blanket of  torturous anxiety. The anxiety is strictly social. […]
I get excited on the days I don’t want to die. It’s this light feeling. It feels like I’m at a normal level today, you know? Like maybe this is what it feels like to not be worrying about my emotions. But there’s always the fear. Because I know it will come back. This is the calm after the storm.
Normally when I have a flashback or nightmare I write about it in my journal. Today I decided to post about it on here just so that I don’t have to keep this mess hidden inside me. This is hard for me to write about so I’m sorry if it doesn’t make too much sense.
I don’t usually have good sleeps, some nights I don’t sleep at all. I’m terrified of the dark in fear of my abusers getting me. Last night I dozed off, I didn’t fall asleep, just went into a trance to try to calm myself. Around 10am this morning I was triggered when I […]
For the past two weeks almost every single night I have been standing at the very top of five flights of stairs, contemplating possibilities. Imagining my body falling. Would I face up or should I choose to face the ground? I am still afraid. That is why when I find myself there, hands gripping the railing, it takes me about an hour to move. And somehow through strength or fear, I am still here.
Last night, as I started my walk up these five flights of stairs my boyfriend called me. Instead of finishing the climb I hopped in my car and drove to his house. […]
I guess I should start with a statement of “I know that I”m a really lucky person, and life, while not perfect, had been nice to me.” I am born in a really developed country, and have so many benefits that many other countries doesn’t have. I am gifted and loved by god in many ways (learned how to read a language through watching TV, drawings that had won numerous awards and got me a 60,000 scholarship money, performed dance for the Winter Olympics, top three in my school, an hourglass figure, decent face, and healthy body with no mutations…etc.) But I don’t see a […]
you know this world is truely fucked up.I cant wait til my next time to off myself.I came so close to death a couple days and i got scared as hell that i was probably die.Now i realize maybe dying and fear is a natural thing you experience when you die.Theres no way as darkness starts to cover you that you wouldnt want to turn back no matter what you say.Anyway i took twelve sleeping pills and they saved my ass.The psychiatrist is like are you going to be safe to go home and i told her not at the second but in a week […]
I am a slave, a true kajira…i feel such an amount of pain for i have hidden it…. In fear of others… But why hide who i am… God this sadness hurts me deeply… I am not ashamed… Why should i be?
And what’s the worst you take? From every heart you break? And like a blade you stain, Well i’ve holding on tonight….
by Nat....
written by Nat....
What’s the worst thing I could say? Things are better if I stay..
So yeah. Hi. Today has been… Interesting. As you know yesterday was 9/11. *in comes Daniel* ‘If they couldn’t be saved, then neither should you’… He was talking abut every known terrorsit attack. And you guys know I have that thing going on ith the illuminati and thinking that they’re watching me? Well, that got slightly worse too. Had a mini panic attack. 🙂 (Y)
And so now, I avoid people in the street for fear that they may try to do something to me. It’s a little worse than it sounds… I probably […]
as the blackness blankets this side of the world
fear creeps into my mind
my nightlight dosent protect me
from the monster in my head
he only comes at night
when everyone is asleep
to feed his guilty pleasure
he creeps upon me
i feel him at the end of my bed
coming from underneath
i know not to scream
or ill find a pillow taking my last breath
i pretend to be asleep
 close my eyes as tight as i could
soon it would be over
and […]
the day my mom finally decides enough is enough, and they are over forever. i now can finally be happy and no longer fear waking up in the morning..except nothing is finalized for a couple weeks..damn though my dad is trying to sell the house when he aint ganna be the one keepin it so i may or may not move i hope not hes the issue his ass can get out. im ganna enjoy this new adventure. however it will encounter shreaking from my sister…she does not like this idea..but its time for me to be happy and now thanks to my mom im […]
i think i am most ready to leave this world, when i am alone. when  i’m at school, when i’m walking through a shopping centre, because they’re all strangers, and when i’m home alone. if anyone was to ever witness the things i do when i am alone, i would fear their judgement, and some mysterious way, i would hurt myself enough to never return.
If you feel like suicide because of how life is, I understand. This world is full of liars and corruption, people telling you that your problems are self created, and that you are somehow too lazy or unwilling to fix them. This is untrue. Since you were born, the NEW WORLD ORDER has sought to indoctrinate you, through TV, school, and even the radio. Everything works opposite to what it should. The wars of the world all happen by design, to allow the filthy rich and powerful to profit. 9-11, JFK murder, and the London bombings were inside jobs. If anything, fight the NEW WORLD […]
As I was reading an article about a particular monster of recent events who should not be named, something a former teacher of his said about him got to me. Selfish much? Well anyway. The teacher said that despite getting A’s in difficult subjects he was a second rate student.
This is an enormous fear of mine. Despite getting good marks in school I always feel inadequate. Perhaps I too am a second rate student who just tests well.
Fuck.
I’m just going to write and I’m not going to bother writing well. I know I will die of suicide, I just know it, since i was 12 i had a bet on with myself that i wouldn’t make it past nineteen, so just two years to go and it should be over. I’m not even going to bother going through all the shit I have been through, starting when i was four years old, and yet i tell people it all the time for the joy of seeing their faces. I’ve been raped and abused both sexually and emotionally (suprisingly the emotional abuse is […]
Sorry if this is the wrong place to put this, but i needed to say something to let stuff out for once. My life has not been very terrible, I just feel it was an unsuccessful one. I have known i wasn’t going to make it very long since i was 13, I would try to imagine myself doing normal things like getting a drivers license or dating but i just couldn’t see it or feel it. My father was physically abusive to my sister and mother and emotionally abusive to me, my mother divorced him when i was 2 but she was scared and had an unlucky choice […]
Do you ever get the feeling where you don’t feel dark or especially depressed, but your mind is fixated on suicide and it’s never far from the front of your thoughts? You’re able to function just fine and you don’t feel any sadder than usual, it’s just that you’re constantly planning and thinking about your own death no matter how hard you try to distract yourself.
That’s how I feel right now, and have felt for the past 2 years pretty much non stop. And it scares me, because I can’t help but wonder if this is all I am now, all I’m going to be. […]
It’s 4pm and I’m sitting here drinking liquid courage. I guess I’m just looking for suicidal people to talk to at this moment, because I like you lot.
I feel like you get it. Thanks.
Even though I’m more of a lurker, I’ve enjoyed the words I’ve had with some of you. You make me feel less crazy.
I feel like I snapped today, and now I should just get it over with. Because everyone thinks I’m mad at them but I’m not. I’m just mad at myself. And I wish I wasn’t out of tequila.
I guess I’m seeking a distraction right now.
I’m really, really sad.
But at the same time everything just seems so free right now. I just want to be free. I think I make believe too much. I pretend that I’m this girl who just has fun and doesn’t care and is free. The only time I’m free is when I’m intoxicated by alcohol and/or drugs.
That’s not ‘free’, That’s a prisoner. I’m a prisoner.
I think it’s getting serious again too but I dont know where or how to get help because of trust issues, And also the fact that
When I’m sad, I have no friends.
Now people think I’m happy […]
I am emotionally numb. I recognize that my emotions are there deep beneath but I do not connect with them. Almost as if they are not real. As if I’m possibly inventing them, in an attempt to pacify a need in me to be normal and socially accepted. I don’t know if I’m depressed. I don’t know if what I feel is anxiety. I can’t speak in public and don’t leave my house much because I don’t want to socialize due to my negative self-image and inability to really empathize with others adequately. But is that considered anxiety? I don’t know. Sometimes […]