Sometimes I physically cannot talk, I build up words into something huge in my mind and I try to speak but just can’t at times. This usually happens when someone higher up in the social hierarchy of my school greets me, just a simple ‘hello’ pulls me into this panic and I try to reply and I open my mouth and I feel myself sweating and no sound comes out at all, even though the ‘hi’ is on the tip of my tongue and I know that it won’t matter in just a short while. It scares me because it’s rude not to smile and […]
Tag:
Fear
Why?
Why can’t I face my problems?
Why must I always hide?
Why must I always lose trac of my effort? dammit why?
No matter what it is, no matter what I do, no matter what I was thinking barely seconds before, why must I always deviate from what I’m doing???
Whether studies, sports or whatever the hell I actually do nowadays, I just don’t seem to care, I just let myself surf the flow of the waves of thought instead of maintaining my course.
And, when I realise it, its always too late, relationships always destroyed, failing grades, competitions lost.
Every-fucking-one of my teachers or guardians or bosses are angry at […]
What’s the point of even trying anymore? Â It’s clear that things will never change, these rash and stupid emotions that plague me daily will never stop no matter what drug I take or how high I get. I used to think it was just a phase, just something people go through but now I see that i’m not capable of being a “normal” person anymore, I have seen the world for what it truly is and no matter what therapy I try I can’t change how I see things. I turn 20 in august and I have so much fear of another year going by […]
Even so.. a soft kiss from him is like that of a child’s innocence.. why does it feel so forbidden?.. such a thing like a first kiss is like a mark that shows ones rebirth yet ones own self destruction. I am a whore, a greedy one at that. I have stolen such innocence, many in fact. In my eyes the virtue of men has no value, no meaning. No one gave pity or sorry to mine, my own stolen virtue. The only thing that seems to ever matter is that kiss, the first kiss. A kiss that was taken because of my sheer stupidity […]
I had never heard of this sight until tonight. I saw a friend post about it on Facebook & instantly thought that it was a sign.
Let me just begin with a little bit about me. I am 18, I live in a town I hate, & I hate most people. I’ve never really blogged, but I’ve always wanted to. It really helps me to write & I need to have a way to calm myself down. I really don’t know how to explain myself because I don’t really know who I am anymore. I don’t want to hear that I’m too young & that I […]
I need to know that something in me is still striving for an existence. I need to know that all of me has not given up hope. I feel as though I am drowning in a sea of no emotion, and will soon be so overcome with boilng rage, that I will begin to hurt others. I fear for what is in my mind. I fear for how I will turn out. I tell myself that things will get better because I want so badly to believe it so. I want to believe so badly that things will be okay, and it will all work […]
The worst fear in my life is not that i will lead a lonely life but that the loneliness will drive me insane.
Even when I am in the midst of a huge crowd, a familiar crowd of friends and relatives, that feeling of loneliness creeps in and sometimes pushes me into that unholy pool of madness… where the first impulse is to hide from everyone, the second is a strong desire to run away from everything and everyone,and then i get caught up in a feeling of despair… at how helpless and useless i am and then the doubts about why i am here to […]
So i decided to share my suicide story with you. Â I am 26 year old male from Europe. I had on-off strong suicide thoughts since my early teenage years. I hate myself a lot. i don’t think i should live on.
The reason for that is that i always end up in some really bad, shitty situations. Mostly due myself and my own stupidity, Â laziness or my weak character. I mostly live from one emotional disaster to an other, some shit always happens to me, and i freak out and can’t take it easy. And i effect people around me, a lot of people got […]
This is my story, I would kindly like to ask you to not put rude comments. When I was a child I was mostly forgotten about. My sister had all the attention. My parents were both alcoholics, that forced my sister and I to be our own parents. I was probably about 1-3 I couldn’t take care of myself so my sister had to. My mom was a horrible drinker. She decided to pick us up from school one day drunk. As we drove back home my sister, she looked at me. Her face full of fear and turned around that’s when we heard the […]
One of the worst nights I’ve had in some time. I cut for the first time in months. I just can’t take it anymore. It feels like I roam the earth each day as a zombie, and I just don’t feel alive anymore. Fuck it. I just don’t want to do it. I would love to be the owner of a small pistol right now, and after seeing how everything has played out, I find it very unlikely that I will allow myself to live for much longer. I know no one cares, but I needed to talk about this, and I have no friends […]
As long as you have 1 reason life is worth living. I lost that 1 reason. I’m not really sure what is holding me here, but I think it might be my own fear. I don’t know how many posts I will have since I’m getting pretty determined at this point. I think I might just crash my car into a wall. “Better to love and lost then never to have loved at all”, that line is wrong. It is very very wrong.
I feel as if I don’t even have problems.
I tell myself that they aren’t real, that I make them up.
I fight with myself to stay alive daily.
I am my biggest fear.
I scare myself of what I do to myself.
Destroying myself.
It’s as if my insides are eating me up.
Just taking me down from where I don’t want to.
Sometimes I don’t win against myself and I get hurt.
It doesn’t hurt anymore but still.
I try to stay alive for the loved one’s around me but,
it hurts trying.
Trying just makes it worse.
Last night was really scary. I’m 18, I’ve had suicidal thoughts off and on for over a year now, but lately they are pretty relentless. Yesterday I was having them all day, I’m not even sure why. I also just relapsed with my eating disorder. Every day I either restrict calories or eat and then make myself sick. I threw up twice yesterday. When it came time to go to bed I could not think about anything other than killing myself. I started to drift off and as I did I started picturing everyone who knows me going to my funeral and reacting to my […]
I look back over my shoulder
All I see is a past not worth remembering
And in my heart I know that I’ll never escape
The fear of my body growing colder
I see myself in all my pain
Hunched over the bathtub drain with
My blood pouring like rain
Down my arm to the sewer with all those who felt the same
And today I fight to keep at bay
The thought that demand I slay
Myself and those around who dared spout the lie that they cared
And end this life I hate today
So simple the old ways
To give in to hate and relate to life in the most brutal of ways
To berate myself […]
This is a journal entry that I wrote on the night of my 18th birthday a little more than a year ago. Recently I revisited it and I wanted to share it with you, both to hear your thoughts and to reaffirm my own. Here it is:
I’ve been thinking a lot about depression and by extension suicide lately. I’m not thinking of planing my own death (or rather carrying out the plans that I’ve already made). I’m just trying to think about it on an intellectual level. This is difficult because Suicide and depression are matters of emotion but I though I would try anyway. […]
we are forever in the moment as 1 this dream a shared illusion  an eternal cycle of being and becoming and non being untill we find what we are looking for without fear our trueself we follow the trend and look outward but we seek in the wrong places 1 does not follow any religion but quoting jesus “the kingdom of heaven is within”  for we are like elastic bands we drop ourselfs into shit make ourselfs feel and experience negative things untill we finally break and release that energy and let go surrender our egos and fly and be free oceans of bliss and […]
I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore. The fear of being alone seems to consume me. These girls who say they love me, they can’t be serious. How could they love me when they haven’t tried to know me. I’m not trying to lead them on. I’m just too nice to tell them what I really think. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. I’ve been thinking about death again. But is death what I want currently? I don’t have the desire to sleep except when I wake up in the morning because sleeping is much easier than going through the day. Sometimes being […]
A lot of people say that Suicide is cowardly. I disagree. The one thing that is a constant source of apprehension and fear in humanity, is death. No one knows what happens when you die. Is there an after life? A heaven or a hell? Are we reborn? Or do we simply disappear?
Many of us are preoccupied with our own death and the preparations there of. We write Wills years in advance, we buy life insurance, we go to church and pray in hopes that through redemption we will obtain a better place in the afterlife that may or may not exist. We as […]
Well I’m here at the lake, just me my gun and what’s left of this case of rocky tops. For once I’m finally at peace, I watched the sunrise an set an besides that I’ve done absolutely nothing today and loved it. I’m ready this time no panic, no fear everything is just dare I say peaceful. My heart is pounding as I write these last words but not racing just steady hard pumps, I’m a bit anxious with anticipation about what’s going to happen after I pull the trigger so I’ve sat aside any preconceived notions about the after life and just take it […]
By this time, like I said previously, my life literally felt as if it was crumbling to pieces.
Ever since that one night, my mother’s “friend” had made a habit of having some sort of sexual activity or sex in itself every night, my mother being “oblivious”.
That summer though, my father decided to move back to my end of the country with his fiancé and her son. I was not that thrilled about it.
For two years, nothing really changed. We had a routine developed and everything was once again as stable as it could be. We moved a few times but that’s it. […]