All I ever wanted was to be excepted, I made friends with some of the cooler kids, got a girlfriend, got a car, but it’s all gone now. People change, my girlfriend cheated on me, and I wrecked my car (douche bag shouldn’t have turned out in front of me…). I decided to follow in my fathers footsteps and become a welder to make him proud, maybe he’d except me, but he never did… He thinks that I’m just some dumb kid who breaks the law, just like every adult thinks. I used to hangout with my girl, or my boys on a Friday night, […]
Tag:
Fears
One year and 40 days ago I started a diet.
That diet quickly took over my entire life, exposing mental disorders that had been hidden before.
One eating disorder showed so much more… generalized anxiety disorder, a mild form of ptsd, cyclothymic disorder (mild form of bipolar).
My family had been perfect, but when it fell apart i didn’t know how to express the pain. I pushed it down for over 4 years.
All of that pain suddenly came out in the form of starving, throwing up, and cutting.
Slowly, I lost myself.
I had to pretend I was okay, I had to be perfect.
I lied to everyone.
I fought help at […]
When you cry im there
Tears, im here
You scare I fight your fears
Why cant you do it in return.
You say so why am I.still in your life, why am I an asshole, the making fun of name calling when your suppose to be the love of my life. The abuse hits for every word but I stick around cuz you are my world.
Stop
Dont do it
Im here
FOREVER, iloveyou
Words you say when im on the edge but do you mean it or is it cuz you dont wanna be left alone, maybe you just dont wanna witness the dealth […]
Sanctuary by Paradise Fears.
This song is incredible and I can’t explain how much I recommend you listen to it. It’s one of those songs that understands you and makes you feel just a little less alone and gives you hope and comfort.
There’s a speech in the middle and the words are so inspiring and comforting. Just please, please listen to it even if you just want to hear a good song.
I found this song when I needed it, and I really hope it helps you as well. If you’re looking for a sign that things will be okay and you’re not alone, this is it.
I love the rain…
because it soothes my skin
it cleans my slate
it cleans within
my love and hate
because it cleanses my youth
and brings me life
it tells the truth
and renews my strive
but… most of all
it hides my fears
and helps me stand tall
and hides my tears
“Unopened Love Letter” (submitted)
Dear Mangled Heart,Â
I don’t even recognize you anymore.Â
Where have you been?Â
What have you been through?Â
We used to be so in tune.Â
“With my brains and your brawn…” Ya know? Now it’s like we’re strangers in the same room.Â
You’ve grown old. Cold. Distant.Â
You used to be warm and inviting. I was the cynical one. You’d let anyone in from the weather – if only for a while – and when I’d be concerned about the security risks, you’d just smile at me and say
“They need me.”
Heh. I never understood.Â
But I trusted you. I knew you. And we were […]
I have this friend, he’s awesome. And sometimes I actually let him in, emotionally. I don’t do that to anybody. I hide my feelings fairly well unless instigated. He’s getting fed up with my lack of concern towards myself. I wish I could just be like, “I’m really just venting, let me freak out. It’s fine, I’m not going to cut up.”. But alas here I am, getting all guilted up because I can’t change who I am. I’m completely worthless. Don’t try to tell me I’m not, I know the truth. I can’t literally remember a moment that didn’t end in guilt or shame. […]
A soft rain falls over my mind
The water gently caressing my thoughts
Small humble droplets, each inclined
To soothe my fears
And hide my tears
To ingeniously disguise my faults
To me the inner shower gives
Not destroying hope or false happiness
But just the sustenance to live
Barely scraping
Barely making
The minimum barely providing this
The friendly wind blows steadily
The rain oppresses my mind’s parasites
Wind and rain combined heavenly
Offer solace
Shaky embrace
Unable to set my dead heart alight
Anesthetic does not heal the gun wound
A grain of rice does not feed the starving
A few feet does not matter on […]
Here I find myself again, with tears streaming and a heart that aches. I have no idea what to do. I feel lost in a world that is passing me by, crippled by the fears of the unknown that consume me. So many paths lay before me and I can’t even take the first step, the pain inside crippling. Betrayal, anger, hurt, hate, love, loss; all consuming thoughts.   I don’t want to be here.  I feel tired and broken and the task of putting the pieces back together is impossible; even if I could, I would never be the same. My life can be seen […]
I want to live, I really, truly do. It’s just that right now, I feel like I’m surviving and life is simply passing me by and I have no idea what to do about it. I mean, I want to die right now because my life means nothing and I’m worried it will forever be like this.
How do you get the confidence to just live? It seems to me that living takes a lot of strength. To me, the difference between living and surviving is simply that feeling of being alive. I don’t feel alive, but I’m surviving anyway. So yeah, I don’t feel alive […]
So today was a disaster. Â And it’s only starting. I was supposed to see my doctor today. Â And as much as I have been dreading it, today, when I didn’t have it, I realized just how much I had been relying on it. Â Just trying to hold on until there was help. Â But there isn’t any. Â I cried and cried. Â I missed the train. Â I had cut myself in the train station bathroom. Â Then while I was waiting for the train I felt the blood moving down my leg and realized I had to do something to stop it or else I was going to […]
My tears are gone,
I have spent so much time filling the ocean,
So that the seven seas,
Become eight.
Who can answer me better than me,
I don’t know how to shout,
So instead I love myself,
Because who else would do it?
I have this infatuation,
And it whispers salvation,
Because I can’t save myself unless I am saving others,
So when my job is done,
Saving becomes a distant plan,
My brain has had time to breathe,
But how did I know that it would be snuffed in the fumes of carbon monoxide and failure,
I am high on disappointment,
Have you ever felt like Peter Pan?
I once flew to Netherland,
And it was there where I learned the […]
I do not pretend I am not in pain when I walk through the halls of the university. Then again people do believe I am full of life, energy and charisma but what they do not know is the reason I come every day with long sleeves to the university. I am done with the concept of living for I know death is already part of my consciousness. I will not go to my Judo classes with long sleeves anymore and suffocate. I will not enter a classroom and pretend the murmur of the people talking to one another does not cause me paranoia.
Should I […]
Why do I act? I act in so many ways that I don’t even remember who I am. I’m just so tired of it. The same thing happening over and over again. I thought I had gotten over it, but I was wrong. Maybe I’ll never get out of this slump. I’m just stuck waiting for someone to pull me back up on my feet. Can I not mange to out of this on my own? Why can’t I? I’ve tired so many times….but I’m about to fall again. I want to stand on my own and face my fears. I want to stop acting……I […]
I’m at the point of my life right now where I’m between childhood and adulthood and pretty soon I’ll be entering the real world. I’m scared about what I’m going to do with my life and I feel like I have nothing to offer in life, that I shouldn’t even be here right now because I’m useless and can’t do anything right. I feel pretty insignificant and scared to tell anyone about it in fear of the reaction they’ll have when I tell them. I’ve already gone through three therapists and none of them have really helped, or more like me thinking that I’m fine […]
I have horrible anxiety. I’m not completely sure why. But it’s controlling my life. Or rather it affects my life. Greatly. Anyways, the reason why I’m so anxious all the time is because I was abused, raped, and neglected as a child. Even though, technically speaking, I still am a child (I’m 13). The neglect had ended 3 years ago. But the abuse and rape went on until this past fall. Now it’s done. It’s gone. But I feel like it was just yesterday………… So, ya. I have been diagnosed with GAD. But I counselor said I don’t need a medication for it. I also have alot of crazy and creepy fears. These […]
I read. I read the stories.
I see. I see your problems.
You feel the pain for someone dieing, or getting abused. Loving someone that doesn’t love you back. Loving the devil them self?
You don’t die, not yet, you’re scarred.
Scarred of reactions. Pain. GOD. Most of you are scarred of GOD! The other half of you are scarred of what a family member will see. Don’t want them traumatized. Don’t want them to end up like you.
[…]
 I’m stupid. I can hardly get a C in a class. My dad calls me a flunky, failure, stupid and a *****. I’m not pretty at all. I eat a lot but I’m not super fat. Every one picks fun of me, I’m aways wearing black. My boyfriend and I have been going out for about seven months and still nothing has changed. I haven’t changed. I smoke and I’m only 15. I like to think of older guys. People scar me. I have to many fears. My best hobby would have to be researching serial killers. My parents say I’ll be one.
Â
 Any one who […]
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