I have been suicidal for about a year now and today was one of the better days but sometimes I get this numbness like I can feel physical but not mentally. It scares me because I freak out and I don’t know if going to feel mentally anymore and I hurt myself then I feel mentally again then I think why in the hell did I just do this? If I don’t try to do anything it gets worse and it happens at the most random of times and it hits me at the times I’m not prepared for it. Does this happen to anyone […]
Gee I wonder what it will be like going back to school after an entire summer of no socialization. I theorize that it’s always been this way. Elders say today’s generation have no respect, and teenagers feel like no one understands them, they feel jaded and unique to the crowd. I wonder if I appear to other people as just another bumbling fuckhead, unaware of the inevitable. I think we all just put on fake smiles and think to ourselves how awful and stupid everyone else is. Friends are essentially accepted societal masochism. The only one I hate more then you is myself.
Just when I think I’m starting to feel better, like a punch in the face it reminds me how depressed I actually am and that what I really want more than anything is to not be here anymore. These feelings will be here forever
I spoke with someone tonight about feeling suicidal. It made me feel better to know it doesn’t make me crazy. I was told to do things that distract me when I feel that way. I can see that, but again… how long do distractions last? I want the thoughts to go away. Not creep into my mind ever again. I don’t want to keep feeling this way period. Not just suicidal.
Everything I do is worthless,everything I feel is useless,everything I hope for is always a cruel mirage and my soul is so full of pain I don’t feel like I have any strength anymore to keep forcing myself to live,what for? in the end life just hurts you,people take advantage of you the more sensitive and empathy you feel the worst and unlike they say it never actually gets better is all a lie it just lifts you up with a false pretense to throw you against the ground while it laughs at you and there you go again like a masochist standing up in order […]
More and more as the days go by, I am realizing that the only way i can feel normal or ok again is to not feel at all. I am getting worse and worse and all this pain consumes me more every day. Heres what i need and even though i know none of you, i have no one else i can turn to and trust so hopefully one of you can help me. I need someone whom, when i finally let go, will contact the few people in my life that matter and give them a message for me. yes, i know i could […]
So I swore I’d never post here again, that my last post about being tired wasn’t going to lead to another. That it was a one time venting thing. So why’m I here again? Good Lord, I don’t even know. Maybe it’s because I want to off myself, but am too afraid to do it. Maybe because I’m all talk, and just desire some kinda of attention, even if its just negative attention. Perhaps its a plea for help, so people talk to me. Maybe its so I don’t feel as miserable and alone. I created Tumblr for the same reason – as an outlet […]
I don’t want to do this, nobody understands that. I just want it all to end, all the pain, all the hurt, all the angry. Nothing seems to be getting better.. All my friends and family make me look like a terrible person because how unhappy i am and how much i want to die.. That’s the reason i haven’t done it, i just cant take this anymore and i don’t know whats wrong with me and why i am sad? I hate talking about my feelings because no one knows what to say to me and they all get so mad because i wont […]
Fucked up fact about me, people that care and try to help me annoy me. So what kind of person does that make me? I have dark thoughts and I don’t feel guilty about them either and sometimes that worries me. I want to love someone, I want to care, I want to feel something good but I can’t. I feel nothing but hate, annoyance, and anger, nothing more and its eating away at me. There aren’t any good parts of me left, I’m glad no one likes me that I matter to no one I’m glad I pushed them all away. Because if they […]
I want to cut myself so bad right now. It’s like the longer I go without, the more intense the urges become. I should reward myself for going almost 3 weeks without any bloodshed. Positive reinforcement, or whatever that psychology theory is.
It might sound weird, but I almost miss the smell of the blood, the feel, the sight. I could get so much red out of just a few small wounds.
Why do I miss it?
This shell I have is tough to crack, no one sees the pain just the smile. I cannot get the attention from anyone and I’m fine with that. But lately I’ve been getting withdrawn from people. Family, friends, work and I can feel what’s around the corner. The suicidal thoughts are ringing heavy and I have to play music louder to get rid of them. Surprisingly no one sees that I am changing and probably heading for the worst what holds me together is my immediate family. The only reason to live has been not to disappoint her. But I am losing touch with relationships, […]
Im so a fuck up in life it always seems that I can’t do anything right i will try to buy thing to fulfill the empty void that i feel or reduce the feeling by putting myself into situation or doing things that i feel will help with the pain but i always come back and i sit here and think why don’t i just end it I could there notting to hold me back anymore nobody would really care you would move on it seems like everyday that past my life falls apart piece by piece I’m spiraling out of control yet nobody can […]
So after the end of last summer, my life turned around….
So I’m off to 7th grade, my first year of middle school. During that time I was bullied a lot. My brother also made this new friend who didn’t like me very much. After that my brother was also kinda a bully to me. And the things they would say and do to me made me feel sad and angry and never deal with it.
So the stress and depression builds. It’s just sitting inside of me like a bo going to blow up. I also have this 7 year old sister who won’t ever leave […]
She’s proud of herself but she won’t tell you why
It has now been a month since she’s last even tried.
The voices won’t stop but today she’s won
She put down her razor and put down her gun.
After hours of thinking silently to herself
She goes and picks up her old friend off the shelf.
Overwhelmed with emotions she picks up her blades
and disposed of the evil that would send her to the grave.
So for the first time in awhile her lips crack a smile
It won’t be easy but in the […]
I was born to parents with a failing marriage. My father is an alcoholic and cocaine addict, now in recovery. My father cheated on my mom which eventually led to divorce. I still don’t know the real reason behind what happened. My father was barely honorably discharged from the military. Since I started school I would take in everything and not do any work and not turn anything in. Before you ask, no I do not have ADHD or any clinical diagnosis besides chronic depression. I am an avid musician, I’ve traveled Europe with a music group..I still want to end this life though. I’ve […]
I’ll be moving in two weeks. I’ll be moving miles away from the place I only knew as home, my friends, my boyfriend, my family. We have to move though, and I know I can’t do anything to stop that. All of the “friends” I told didn’t care, they responded with texts like “Oh.” “That sucks,”. I don’t need someone crying for me, but it’d be nice to know someone cared. We’re moving to my moms’ boyfriends house. He’s a real asshole and I have a hard time making friends. This new state and school will take alot out of me, and i’m afraid. I […]
Like everyone here, im on the ragged edge. I watched a kitten last week for my (gf/ex/dont know where were at anymore) while she was on vacation with her family. Immediately I bonded with that little kitty and it actually helped me to feel a little bit better about things. Just having that companion to come home to. Knowing she was waiting for me. Her chasing me around the house attacking my leg. So I told my mom and sister about it and asked them to keep an eye out for one for me thinking maybe it will help. Today, after work, my sister told […]
suicide should be an option if you have absolutely no answers or other viable options for your situation. I don’t care about “justifying” it to people, that guilt trip only lasts so long. How do they justify trying to keep someone alive that doesn’t want to be nor feel they have a reason to be? they says the suicide people are selfish well I agree it is very selfish that they want someone to be miserable every freaking day just so they don’t have […]
Crying each morning,
Crying all day.
Releasing the sorrow,
Releasing the pain.
Fight to wake up,
Fight to get out of bed.
Fighting the demons.
Inside my head.
Where do they come from,
Why are they there.
Maybe things would be different,
If someone would care.
Most look away.
It’s easier for them.
But I have a solution.
They will see then.
Maybe feel guilt,
Maybe feel shame.
Maybe feel something,
If they remember my name.
Drowning in the sea of my tears
I can’t see anything clear
I can only feel (oh, how I feel)
This huge pain inside me
And before the water covers me all
My heart will make a last effort and cry:
“Please, someone help me!
Don’t let me drown in my tears
Take me somewhere without fear
Where I can finally find
A happiness without any pain”
But no one heard the cry
So I let my breath out and die