I pulled the emergency break on my downward slide. I decided that putting up a decent fight is the least I owe my sons. If things don’t get better, suicide is always there as an option later. So I saw a doctor this morning, and she straight away organised admission to a psychiatric facility for me – and that’s where I’m now. Just unpacked my bag. I am lucky that I have private health insurance, and can use the private mental health system, and as a voluntary patient I’m not locked up. Still, I’m numb and exhausted and just relieved that I will have a […]
Tag:
fighting
Hey guys, I just wanted you to know that you are all loved and you are all wonderful people. Keep fighting the good fight. 🙂
It’s been a week since I decided to tidy up my life and then leave.
its been a mixed week since. Stress like hell at work, but at least no conflict. A few nice thing like a dinner with my best friends, a Christmas dinner with my work colleagues ( who are all really nice), a beautiful moment with my son. I’ve got a gorgeous little pet parrot, and she’s very affectionate, and just about jumps out of her skin with excitement and joy when I come home from work
Yet the the pain does not relent. Even when I was with my lovely friends, I was […]
Why?
Why does no one care?
Why does no one see that I’m hurting?
Why does no one understand that to me, presence is more important than presents?
Why am I still alive if I don’t want to be?
Why does life feel like a stream pulling me down? Why do I feel like it would be a lot easier to give up than to keep fighting?
Why can I not be happy?
I guess it doesn’t matter. Because, if they don’t understand my silence, the won’t understand my words.
For a while now I’ve contemplated suicide. I believe it’s the easiest way out. No, I don’t think running away from problems is going to solve them but I do know that after trying your hardest to solve them with absolutely no solution, running is your only option. And after running and running and running you get tired. I’m tired. Tired of running, tired of fighting, tired of breathing, tired of existing. I just feel like, if I die, everything will be better. I feel like the minute I swallow those pills or that poison or from the moment I jump, everything […]
Every day I wake up with the same thought
Reminiscing about the losing battles that I fought
I remind myself of these miserable pasts
So that I may learn and achieve victory at last
Sometimes I win a battle but not the war
I still go on for what I’m fighting for
But lately I have only met defeat
Making it harder to stand on my feet
Must I give up and accept this fate?
Living in shackles with a heavy weight?
I refuse to live in such a way
But losing […]
I have absolutely no creativity anymore. I used to.
I find it difficult to express myself. When I try to focus on finding a good way, everything leaves me. Anything I have to say is just a basic, simple rambling of words.
I know you can’t force creativity, but I have no muse or motivation. It’s just me wanting to express myself effectively and I’m so terrible at doing things for myself, as I find myself unimportant.
It’s like there’s two sides in my head constantly fighting. One side is begging to speak and to be heard and the other side is saying whatever it has to say […]
I wonder now if it is impossible to kill the darkest part of yourself. I want nothing more than to murder the other part of myself, but sadly it is intertwined with the part of me that by necessity must live. My constant struggle continues in a blur of rage and suicidal desire. What is probably the saddest part of this tale is that I cannot simply “TALK” to someone about this. It’s not like I don’t know how to convey the emotions, or how to tell someone what is going on with me, it is more like an infection. I know better than anyone […]
This is my first post but I have been reading for a while. I have been trying to fight for years but I am so tired of fighting everyday to never be happy. I obsess over how I’m going to end it and when. I’m afraid of a failed attempt. I am so tired of never feeling good enough, having people walk out on me, and just not caring.
I hate hearing people say to just give it time or things will get better. I am 25 and it never gets better for me. I just want it to be over now. I don’t want to […]
I have been struggling with anxiety for around five years now, and I thought I was getting better. And then Thursday rolled around. I took the ACT this weekend, and I was studying for it. It really didn’t seem that bad, until my heart started racing. My head started to hurt, my knees buckled, I started to cry. The normal panic symptoms. The worst part: I was home alone. You think a panic attack is bad. Going through it without anyone there makes you feel so alone and desperate. I hadn’t thought about suicide in two months, and all the sudden, all the thoughts came […]
: to be honest i simply have grown tired of life…. I was hoping that by doing this the right way I would grow stronger … strong enough so that even I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone about the burning inside my soul. the inadequacy that I feel every time I walk into room. The shadow that I cast at dusk… It is a large shadow. It is painted with my suffering and misdeeds. I am truly a monstrosity. I am unworthy to live. and yet… many keep telling me that God wants me alive. that I ought to keep striving to survive , […]
I feel so numb. I feel like nothing around me is real. I should have told my pdoc that I attempted suicide when I had my appointment, but I guess I assumed the hospital told her since they asked for her name and I provided it. But nobody told her and I told her that nothing changed and I was still depressed and she just refilled the medicine I oded on and off I went.
My pdoc is a revolving door of pills. I don’t know if I’m having a mental break or if it’s a side effect of all these meds. Right now it’s keppra, […]
Here I am again, back in this place where only sadness lingers .True, there is some good things on this sight. Stories of triumph and happiness, but even the best among them are shadowed by the disorder we suffer from. We have all bled from countless wounds, and left unhealed they would have killed us. Many of us only have minor bandages upon them, nothing to save us from the slow bleed of our will to live leaving us. I know that we can be saved, we could fix everything wrong with us, but something went wrong with us on a fundamental level. I was […]
I’m sick and tired of fighting for something that’s never going to happen. My body can’t take it anymore. Ughhh.
My sister tells me she is scared that I’m going to kill my self. Maybe I should. Then my family doesn’t have to worry about me anymore.
not sure it’s cuz I’m doing better. Fighting this hopelessness. It’s a fucking douche.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe my friend Rachel is right. Maybe I’ve lost touch with what is real and what is not. All I know is that I am losing the battle. And I feel like I’m hurting my friends. They can’t deal with my shit. I can’t deal with my shit. I want to die. I want to disappear. But I don’t want to commit suicide. I don’t want to do that to my friends and family. I don’t want to put that pain on them. But I don’t want to continue in this pain. I don’t want to keep fighting. […]
I’m a loving husband and father. After taking an a antidepressant and subsequently stopping it a matter of weeks later I developed a rare physical condition for which prognosis is dubious and treatment is extremely painful. It has interfered with EVERY aspect of my life and is debilitating both physically and mentally.
I was negligently put on a benzodiazepine which I’m trying to taper off and is proving difficult, it’s destroyed my health. I have fought this for over a year via physical therapy and various different forms of medication. I look and feel awful, I have had to move in with my parents and can […]
Imagine you didn’t have your iphone no more and all electronic equipment stopped operating after some cataclysmic disaster ( Maybe spillage from a colossal nuclear tank arsenal , will leave you to imagine the worst case scenario).
This means no internet, mechanised farming is no more and therefore we have to forage for food in the wild. The money system has crashed and you cannot borrow a dollar from a neighbour because they are in the same condition as you.
There’s chaos in the streets, killing and pillaging. Fighting over food specks and there’s scarcity of clean water and the air is of course unbearably rancid. Imagine that […]
The only reason I’m still alive right now is because I’m scared it won’t work or it will hurt. I know how I want to go, but it isn’t a guaranteed death…there’s the fact that I may be found, and there’s the fact that I just get really sick instead of dying. I’ve been researching to see if my method will really work or if I’ll just lay there forever with a messed up stomach. If I could be sure that I would just slowly leave, I would do it in a heartbeat.
I’ve said goodbye to everyone I need to. Only two people picked up […]
My birthday gift to myself is liberation…
All others like me, I know this is hypocritical of me but keep fighting the good fight.