I am so confused. Why do i constantly think things will get better. I swear i will never think like that again. What’s the point??? I hate me…so i know you hate me. No surprise. Fuck this shit. Fuck trying.
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get better
I don’t wanna get up and go through the motions of my day, I just wanna sit here and cry. I don’t really have a reason to cry, which makes it even worse….I just cry because I’m me. I cant tell any of my friends about how I think about dying all the time, which makes me feel even more alone and hopeless. I don’t really want to get better, I kinda like to feel this way, I like being sick and don’t want help. I just want someone to cry with me.
Today has been painful.
Every time I came out of my darkened room the light made me ill within 5-10 minutes. Each time it happened I made my way back to bed, hardly able to walk. Talking to my mum made me ill. Every time we talked for five minutes I’d have to lie down, confused, with my body aching all over. Any sensory stimulation makes me worse. I think I could cope with all the physical effects of illness if I wasn’t already severely depressed, although the way it affects my brain feels unbearable.
All day I’ve been looking forward to the eclipse, but because of […]
I am still here.
It seems as if it is just one disappointment after another. I have everything I need to “punch in my ticket,” yet instill I hesitate. My friend said something is keeping me here, keeping me from committing the final deed. I don’t know what it is but I want to find it. I am tired of the monotony of life and just want to be okay again. I have been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist on and off for about three years now and it doesn’t seem like it is working. I don’t feel intense emotions anymore and all I do is sleep […]
I’m tired. Tired of everything. Well not everything. I’m not tired of the times when I feel some sort of happiness, I’m not tired of the times when I’m alone and no one bothers me, but I’m tired of the rest of it. Tired of people relying on me to help them with things that I cant even help myself with. That was always the case with my former best friend. She seemed as though she was in the same situation as me, although I never really saw her looking sad or wanting to die. We are no longer friends but at the time she […]
I’ve been feeling a bit better lately. I got a few calls for job interviews and even though I don’t have a guaranteed job yet I don’t feel as anxious about it. I just stared on antidepressants and counseling. My counselor is very nice which I’m glad because I was very nervous with her being from the same hospital at the horrible doctor I’ve talked about before. Even though things aren’t perfect and parts of me are still sad I don’t feel as consumed by it lately. But I’m also very fearful, it’s hard feeling for me to explain. I’ve been depressed since I was […]
It all started at a young age… my mother was in an abusive relationship, and I felt helpless because I was too little to stick up for her. I started hating myself, I blamed myself for her abuse. Eventually I began hating her, I despise her, but I still wish I could’ve done something! This is where the self hatred began. I then moved in with my father and have been living with him for around 4 years now. In the past 4 years I have severely struggled in school. I had always been a straight A student, but now I find myself struggling to […]
i was supposed to be dead by now but the ATF system was down so i couldn’t buy a gun then i went the next day and it was up again and i bought the gun but they didn’t have .22 bullets so i went to another store and it turns out that there is a shortage of .22 bullets in the us right now i call 10 different stores and finally find a dicks that has some in stock and i go and get them. a couple hours later i prepare for my beautiful death and take out the bullets and line them up […]
I’m contemplating, stewing, thinking, and I can’t see any exits. I’m poor; well-educated (I have two Bachelor’s degrees in different fields) but not in the right fields, too old to retrain in a new field, and crushed beneath a depression that I can’t get out from under. Soon I’ll be evicted, and my car will be repossessed; I’m in arrears on both, despite working every day. I can’t afford my anti-depressant medication. I can’t afford therapy. I’m divorced, have been for a while, and haven’t been on a date in years (not for lack of trying, but I’m a bit heavy, and I have the […]
There are some things about life that I absolutely love.
There’s hope in my heart that things will get better.
But I know that’s just wishful thinking.
I’m ready to leave this place behind and see what’s waiting for us on the other side.
I’ve hurt so many people that were nothing but good to me, I know this will hurt them more but at least It will be the last time.
I’m scared but excited I don’t know if i’m strong enough to go through it all again.
I’ve over dosed and ended up in hospital twice.
Most recent was two days ago.
I’m […]
i don’t why i’m still trying to get better even though i know i can’t.
i have no friends no bf no dreams
why am i still trying ?
As of right now I list a lot of things that are going wrong with my life. I put in my two weeks at a job I hated and when I put in my two weeks they started telling me not to come in everyday so I’m getting no hours, I still haven’t found another job despite applying at tons of places and I’m financially screwed. I was forced to move back in with my family in order to get away from the latest in a string of abusive relationships. I owe my college over $3,500 for dropping out and can’t go back to school […]
i wish could go back and do things over but i cant. its to late to much has happened, no one will help me. i had a chance and already it gets fucked up. if i could go back i would have done it differently, but its to late. god is laughing at me for sure now. i just hope i get to what i need to do before someone else dose they would make me suffer. im almost glad people think i have an std. im afraid to get tested because if i do and people find out i dont and if they get there […]
I haven’t been happy in almost 2 months everyday it seems like I’ll never be happy again I’m still trying to get over my ex And I have other problems I keep thinking that life’s going to get better but when I’ve been waiting for a while I do think about suicide and cutting myself I haven’t cut myself in a few weeks and I also want to run away from home I want to cry but I try to hold it back and I feel like I have no one to talk to about all this I don’t think I’ll be happy anytime soon […]
I have been told by many “you’re not alone, things will get better” and I’m not saying this isn’t true, but can someone tell me the steps they have taken to feel better? Because I’m oblivious to what I should be doing. I’m taking my meds, going to talk therapy, I’ve talked to whoever will listen, I’ve tried just thinking positive, but negativity is all that runs through my veins. I don’t mean that in the sense that I hate everything and everyone. I say it in the sense that I cannot see any good in myself or my life. I’ve always been like this. […]
I keep trying to tell myself that it’s alright, but it just doesn’t feel like it is. Everything is continuously getting worse, & I don’t understand why?? Like I try to get better but I’m just to the point where I don’t care if I’m better or not, you know? My grades are slipping & it’s not even half way through the first quarter. I wake up in the morning just wanting to come home & go right back to bed. It kind of really sucks, but it’s fine, I guess. Oh well. I don’t really have much to say. I just really needed to get that […]
Hey guys sorry I haven’t been writing on here in a while. My junior year of college started a few weeks ago. This past weekend was rough 2nd E.R. visit in two months ( both for different reasons), feeling shitty, Accidentally cut my foot open when I bumped into a glass candle while shopping at bath and body works. The bottom end of it landed on my left foot broken part down. Thank goodness it only left a small scar on my foot, ended up being betrayed by a friend at church that I thought I could trust. Now I keep seeing photos and statuses […]
Is suicide actually selfish if you’ve tried everything you know of out there to get better? Isn’t it selfish for others to stop you if you have tried everything? To stay living in torture just so that others can continue on as normal, how’s that fair?
What’s keeping you alive to this day? What’re you living for and how did things get better for you?
Are you glad to be alive today?
Also, under what circumstances pushed you into the attempt?
“Rory, what’s the weather like in that head of yours?”
“In my head?”
“Yes, what’s the weather like?”
“The weather is…ill.”
“And by ill, you mean?”
“I mean…the weather does not bode well for how I’d rather be feeling.”
“So what you’re saying is, you would like to be happy but thoughts prevent you from such happiness?”
“Sure, you sound like you already knew that.”
“To an extent, but I’d like to hear it from you. Tell me all about this ‘weather’.”
“It’s cloudy, like it usually is. I can’t see or feel the sun against my skin. I can’t hear the birds singing. I can’t smell anything but the inevitable rain soon to […]