It all started at a young age… my mother was in an abusive relationship, and I felt helpless because I was too little to stick up for her. I started hating myself, I blamed myself for her abuse. Eventually I began hating her, I despise her, but I still wish I could’ve done something! This is where the self hatred began. I then moved in with my father and have been living with him for around 4 years now. In the past 4 years I have severely struggled in school. I had always been a straight A student, but now I find myself struggling to focus on my homework. I guess I should rewind a little… my father basically hates me now, I’m a massive failure and anything I do/try to do is never good enough for him. All I want is to start college and move far away and start my own life, but how can I do that if I can’t even focus in highschool? I wish I could just make one person happy… Not to mention I found this “AMAZING” girl… She could make me smile in an instant and I knew immediately when she was slightly upset. I felt like I knew all the right things to say and do, I knew just how to make her laugh or smile. I knew exactly how she’d react to the things I said.. I was head over heels in love with this girl… I still am and I hate myself for it…. I talked to her for over a year and started dating, come to find out she was still dating her “ex”…I know she doesn’t deserve my love, but she was literally the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning, I went from getting up at 6am for school to 7:30 and hardly making it to my first class… she was literally my world and I’m so lost with out her.. and I hate myself for becoming dependent on someone… because I know I should know better.. why would some girl want me when my own mother would choose her abusive boyfriend over me?! I feel like a fuck up and I just want to prove to the world I’m not… but anytime I get a good thing rolling something always comes and fucks it up… So back to school… basically I suck… Anytime I try to focus on something random shit pops into my head and I can’t concentrate on the task at hand even though I KNOW I need to get it done… like right now.. rather than spend this time doing my Psychology experiment right up (due two weeks ago) I sit here typing about my pathetic life… Is there a point in time where all the pain will go away? Do things ever really get better? I feel like they have to because if life is always as painful and stress filled as it is currently I know I can’t handle it much longer. FUCK I hate myself so much I can’t even fathom of words to attempt to express the amount of self loath I feel… Rather I resort to complaining more… I feel pathetic and I just want to be happy again, but I fear it’ll never come.
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I know the feeling, buddy. I fell madly in love with a girl around junior year of high school. We went to senior prom together, we kissed, and I wanted to be her bf so badly. Left for college and no matter how I tried, she remained stuck in my head the whole time. I came back home to figure out that she was going through a rough time, so I helped her out. Turned out she only liked me as a friend.. I was so annoyed tbh, I mean I was in love with her for the past 5 years of my life… I’m lucky that we still talk but a part of me still wants nothing more than to be her boyfriend….
Anyways, my point is I relate so much to this, and the only advice I can give you is to just take it one day at a time…. An over thinker like myself tends to think of that future where you are still miserable and alone and what not, but it’s best to take it slow and take it one step at a time. It won’t be easy, but try this: Everytime you think of a distracting or unnecessary thought, picture yourself taking that thought, crumpling it up, and throwing it in a trash bin. That helps me to focus on things from time to time. Also, put your all into your work. That helps me to get through the rough work days, surrounded by people, that drain my energy… Just try it for a day and please, let me know how it works out for you.
Ya as a child it must’ve been horrible to feel so powerless, while watching your mother get abused. I don’t know your situation now but I’d probably have the urge to kick the crap out of her bf.
I remember when I was a kid, around 14 travelling with my single mother. People took advantage of her small size. We were at the airport waiting to get onto a shuttle-bus that was going to take us to a hotel, we were exhausted, jet-lagged and we were in the queue to get onto the small bus.
Out of nowhere this ugly skinny angry-looking Arab guy jumped ahead of us, gave my mother a dirty look and started putting on his luggage before us. The guy literally had 20 pieces of luggage-no exaggeration, so the bus was no full thanks to him and we had to wait ages for the next one. The driver either didn’t notice it or he didn’t care (this was in La Guardia/New York).
You have no idea of the rage I felt and what I would’ve done if I was in my 20s at the time-since I became a bodybuilder, but then he wouldn’t have dreamed of messing with me. Now that I’ve learned about Islam/muslims, I’m not surprised, they’re they scum of the earth.
Totally ran off-topic there, I agree with you-despite the trouble I’ve had with girls over the years, I still think they’re awesome. However if this girl is just using you-don’t waste your time, find someone better…be a friend to her if you want, just know you’re only a friend. Don’t hang in there hoping she’ll see how great you are and leave the other guy for you. Women are very weird creatures, trust me. So just find a girl who’s into you.
I feel sorry for your mother, no woman should have to live that way-but they get brainwashed and keep living in a bad situation hoping it’ll get better but it never does. Help her out if you think you can. I’m sure you can focus on school if you became more disciplined…if you are good at video games (like me) then you have the abilities to succeed in academics.