It all started at a young age… my mother was in an abusive relationship, and I felt helpless because I was too little to stick up for her. I started hating myself, I blamed myself for her abuse. Eventually I began hating her, I despise her, but I still wish I could’ve done something! This is where the self hatred began. I then moved in with my father and have been living with him for around 4 years now. In the past 4 years I have severely struggled in school. I had always been a straight A student, but now I find myself struggling to focus on my homework. I guess I should rewind a little… my father basically hates me now, I’m a massive failure and anything I do/try to do is never good enough for him. All I want is to start college and move far away and start my own life, but how can I do that if I can’t even focus in highschool? I wish I could just make one person happy… Not to mention I found this “AMAZING” girl… She could make me smile in an instant and I knew immediately when she was slightly upset. I felt like I knew all the right things to say and do, I knew just how to make her laugh or smile. I knew exactly how she’d react to the things I said.. I was head over heels in love with this girl… I still am and I hate myself for it…. I talked to her for over a year and started dating, come to find out she was still dating her “ex”…I know she doesn’t deserve my love, but she was literally the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning, I went from getting up at 6am for school to 7:30 and hardly making it to my first class… she was literally my world and I’m so lost with out her.. and I hate myself for becoming dependent on someone… because I know I should know better.. why would some girl want me when my own mother would choose her abusive boyfriend over me?! I feel like a fuck up and I just want to prove to the world I’m not… but anytime I get a good thing rolling something always comes and fucks it up… So back to school… basically I suck… Anytime I try to focus on something random shit pops into my head and I can’t concentrate on the task at hand even though I KNOW I need to get it done… like right now.. rather than spend this time doing my Psychology experiment right up (due two weeks ago) I sit here typing about my pathetic life… Is there a point in time where all the pain will go away? Do things ever really get better? I feel like they have to because if life is always as painful and stress filled as it is currently I know I can’t handle it much longer. FUCK I hate myself so much I can’t even fathom of words to attempt to express the amount of self loath I feel… Rather I resort to complaining more… I feel pathetic and I just want to be happy again, but I fear it’ll never come.