Today I woke up and realized how unhappy I really am. The pain I feel is so intense that it hurts to the core of my being. I sit here and look at the walls so much grief here I lost so much my home my kids my ex my life. Its all gone and I don’t have another start over in me I really don’t. Ending this life is all I have left. I simply can’t do this anymore . I have made my final plan to just end it. I can’t live without my family anymore I failed them and myself. No […]
Tag:
Grief
I died. It was no accident. I rented a nice hotel room. Then I swallowed a lot of pills that would dissolve my liver and brain. I cut my arms open, and took enough aspirin that nothing but my failing heart could stop the bleeding. And so I died.
Then I met God. He was everything they show in the movies. A giant of a man, long in years, with a flowing white mane and long gray beard. As for his face, no matter how I tried to look at it, I could never quite see it. And he asked, “Why have you […]
“My name is unimportant. I am neither male, nor female. My age has no relevance to my grief. Consider me a faceless representation of depression. An anonymous death seeker. A hopeless nobody.”
I’ve met someone. At this point in time I can’t decide whether it’s a blessing or a curse, a cure to my life-long battle with depression, or a catalyst. This someone is special. The way I feel when I’m with them is astonishing. I feel happy, and content with myself. I feel at ease. At peace. And when I am with them it feels like my troubles have slipped through my […]
“My name is unimportant. I am neither male, nor female. My age has no relevance to my grief.
Consider me a faceless representation of depression. An anonymous death seeker. A hopeless nobody.”
I’ve spent my life doing everything for everyone. I worked my ass off for ungrateful bosses. I threw my social life away to finish worthless years of schooling. I pushed away possible love interests to better the odds of my friends. My entire life has been a waste of time. A waste of space on this decaying, dying world. There is no hope for mankind, and just the same, there is […]
Everything seems to be slipping out of my hands right now. My relationship with my boyfriend, who was also my best friend. My relationship with my parents. My mom has just left the house. I am here trying to drown my grief somehow. I dont know what to do. I have younger siblings I should take care of right? But I need to be taken care of. My boyfriend is not understanding. he doesn’t even know what else I am going through. Im so lost and confused.
A boy in my school committed suicide on Tuesday…he hung himself…I’ve been destraut about it since I found out. No one ever knew he would try to..no one even knew he was upset with his life. If I had known I would have tried to talk to him. I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember and have wanted to die for years now. Obviously I wouldn’t encourage him…I would have tried to get him off the ledge. He was a great kid. Everyone knew him and loved him even at our huge school. But after this happened it got me thinking…how horrible […]
To all who’ve loved me.
i leave this is in wake of my soul, as it has left my body.
I give you my utmost apologies, that i know will never suffice for the loss or troubles i’ve given you, in my life and in my suicide. I would not leave a note if it weren’t for the urge i feel even now to assure you that it was by nothing you’ve done, that i’m leaving my life this way. To my family and friends find solace in the fact that were it not for you, i would not have even made it this long. You loved […]
An email I chose not to send (altered to maintain anonymity):
I am going stir crazy. I really want to see you, but I can’t find a good excuse. Mom is psychologically abusing me, and I don’t think I can take it much longer. She constantly monitors me. She waits until there is no noise coming out of my room before she falls asleep. I don’t even think she sleeps most days. That would explain her insane need for productivity. I have no one to talk to at home who will listen to me and support me. I am trying to see my therapist here without […]
I watched a “19 Kids and Counting” episode yesterday that’s given me new perspective on life. It was about the mom who was pregnant with her 20th child and she went to her 18-week ultrasound appointment to find out if it was a boy or girl but then the u/s tech told them the baby did not have a heartbeat. They were devastated, of course, and it was so sad to watch. But on the other hand, it was neat to see how the family banded together through their grief and supported one another. (That’s kind of like this site, huh?) Anyway, seeing how much […]
Maybe in heaven, there will be understanding.
Understanding of the motives of each and everyone.
Understanding why they feel the way they feel.
Maybe it will be more than understanding, maybe you will get a first person glimpse of what it is like to be someone else.
Connecting of each other to form a peaceful, heavenly bond.
Madness, disappointment, RAGE, hatred, disgust, FEAR, sadness, grief, humiliation, shyness, cowardliness, regret, sorrow, loneliness, Physical pain, emotional pain, stress, turmoil, suffering, HOPELESSNESS, nonsense, will be overcame.
Maybe in heaven, things will all make sense. It will all PUZZLE together.
Why there is pain.
Pain adds character. Pain breeds experience, wisdom, knowledge, meaning, bravery and resilience.
Pain makes […]
So. There is nothing holding me back. There is no one who loves me, no one who cares about me. The last one who existed on this earth, my father, got run over by a truck a year ago next month. I am a single woman in my 40’s who grew up in an abusive household and will never have a mate or children or a loving home. I want to die more than anything in this world. Each night i lie sobbing on the floor, pulling the side of one hand down the wrist of the other, feeling the cool, smooth sensation of a […]
Ever since June 9, 2008…. I am embarrassed to admit that it may be June 8th of that year, but that day was probably the worst day of my life. A lot of shit went down, that day was like a fucking movie it was so unreal. Some days I tell myself it never happened, as for that is the only way I can cope with it. This world is simply a ball of shit. Hypocrites living out their every day contradictions. Those claiming to be “real” but whose lives are built up on lie after lie, after lie, after lie…. People claiming they love […]
Death is a blessing.
Death is like the night. We hide from it, postpone it as long as possible, shun the darkness, but in the end it is inevitable.
We fear it, but it will forever stalk our waking hours, haunt out most sinister nightmares.
Grief, perhaps, is worse.
Grief is what is left behind for the living to deal with.
It is what will make two enemies allies, what can make love turn to hate.
Grief is the most astonishing of pain, and we see it everyday, in some shape or form.
Maybe you just broke up with your beloved. Maybe you just lost […]
are we half alive when we dream? or do we dream because we are half alive? would life be better if we were in a dream? if we continue as we are when we die.. how do we know some of us arnt already dead? what do we live for? if we have pain and hate and love and death… how can we be happy? tragic things … what makes life all worth it.. if nothing was worth it.. wede all be gone… so obviasly … there is always sompthing worth living for… what if we never felt pain.. even though … life has torn […]
There’s this funny little contraption in my chest.
Right here, on the right side of my body below my neck. I can feel it pumping blood through me, beating life into my veins, but that’s all I need to FEEL.
It’s called a heart.
I’ve never understood how this thing works. It’s just a part in my body, it doesn’t have a mind of it’s own, it’s not its own seperate entity, and yet It makes me feel emotions that I shouldn’t have to ever feel.
WHY???
Take love for instance. When your in love with someone your heart knows it. It swells with this creation of a thing I like to […]
Receiving the phone call, jumping on a plane to LA and taking the elevator up to the 8th floor where my brother was is all a bit of a blur. Walking into to ICU and seeing my brother, broken, swollen, and almost unrecognizable is very clear in my mind. They had to remove the right side of his scull in order to relieve the pressure in his head. His eyes were bulging out of his eye sockets. Blood was slowly oozing from his ears, his eyes and his nose. He was being jerked up and down by the ventilator. […]
Okay so everyone always wants to know what my problem is, why I feel this way or why I seem totally unable to make things better. But for fucks sake they don’t know me, or my history, so they’re in no position to judge! The fact is if they did, they’d probably understand why I want to die as badly as I do. And trust me it’s such a long, sordid and sad story that half the time I wouldn’t even know where to start or how to explain. Sometimes I look at the way my life has turned out and it makes me fume with […]
I’m sure many posts have started the same way mine will; I’ve never written a post before in my life. But things have escalated to the point where I have to say this somewhere…..anywhere. And this seems as good a place as any.
I was married at 18, got pregnant on my honeymoon, so had my first child by the time I was 19. My husband and I had known eachother since I was 13 and he was 15. We were the best of friends until things started changing when I was 16, and we fell in love.
I honestly believed my life was set. We had […]
I’m a 17 (almost 18) year old girl and this is my brain’s rant session.
I’m extremely distant from reality pretty much all day, my life seems so pointless and corrupted that I create these fantasies about people, usually guys, I wish I could affect, but actually am just obsolete to.
After seeing the film Girl, Interrupted, I had a kind of wake up call that I was almost identical to Susana Kaysen who had Boderline Personality Disorder, it made me feel like I could define myself finally instead of being this pathetic outcast. I took a test for this on the internet and it confirmed that […]
im not a bad person why does nobody treat me with respect, the only thing i ever do is try and help people and i get hurt for it im failing in college and i cant catch up im realy not in the mood for living right now maybe the next lifetime
people dont seem to like me all i get is grief and insults people prejudging me thinking you wont like this its not your thing, how would you know are you inside my head and if you are howcome your not as confused as i am all i wanted was to be a policeman […]
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