At a Crossroads: Relationships

“My name is unimportant. I am neither male, nor female. My age has no relevance to my grief. Consider me a faceless representation of depression. An anonymous death seeker. A hopeless nobody.”

I’ve met someone. At this point in time I can’t decide whether it’s a blessing or a curse, a cure to my life-long battle with depression, or a catalyst. This someone is special. The way I feel when I’m with them is astonishing. I feel happy, and content with myself. I feel at ease. At peace. And when I am with them it feels like my troubles have slipped through my crooked fingers, and have raced away to another world. It’s a rare occurrence that my suicidal tendencies take a back seat, and allow me to enjoy bits and pieces of this adventure we call life.

It wasn’t long ago that I had similar feelings for another, but another turned out to be cruel and unjust. Abusive. And I have flashbacks. When we are intimate I think about the past digging its fingers into my skin. And when we are romantic, the past once again flashes to my memory. I cannot escape it, it would seem. Afterall, my past relationship only since ended under a month ago. I’m frightened that I’m slowly making my way down the same path. I’m frightened that I’ll once again be put into a situation with which I cannot handle, and one that will send me spiraling down like all the rest. I’m not sure if I can handle another blow like that. I’m not good with disappointment. It eats away at me, bit by bit, until I’m nothing but an empty shell of a former self. The feeling, it seems, is quite familiar with me. It has become a safety blanket in which I can wrap myself and hide from the world. That shell has become both my barrier and my tomb, and although I wish to leap past my failed attempts at romance, I’m terrified that my shell will crack, and shatter, and what is left of my tattered soul will seep through the cracks and be lost forever.

Is it normal to be so frightened?

It’s a peculiar feeling, the one with which surges through my body. For the first time in my entire life, I have found myself being passionate, intimate, and making love instead of just having sex. And for the first time since I can remember, I feel a sense of self; a strength that has long since eluded me and that grips my very core and brings about both excitement and caution.

I do believe that perhaps I may be perfect for this certain someone, and they have fallen for my much too quickly. I am not yet ready to be struck by Cupid’s arrow, nor am I ready to allow another to open their heart to me. I have been told that it could be more than just a crush… that it could be more than just being “in like with you.” I can’t say I want that. Love is evil in every sense. By definition it may oppose its hateful counterpart, but in reality they walk hand-in-hand. I cannot bring myself to accept either into my life. I’ve had too much of one, not enough of the other, and it seems the one is always in abundance whereas the other is always missing in action. If you’ve any idea who I am you’ll know which is which. I dare not speak their like.

I guess the highest amount of fear that resides in my mind is the simple fact that I don’t want to hurt anyone. Not them. Not myself. I wish to be the perfect partner, although perfection and I have never had a very understanding history. I’m not sure what route to take. In both sense, it would seem no matter what I do, the both of us will be miserable.

Perhaps I was just too optimistic about this so-called “love”, once upon a time. I do believe that some are better off alone in the dark, where they can be alone with their thoughts and their feelings, and never have to worry about causing any kind of pain toward anyone but themselves. Afterall, we can heal our own wounds with ease. Wounds caused by others aren’t so simple to find the cure.

I’ve never before asked for advice, knowing all too well I will recieve an abundance of flame wars and trolls, but perhaps this time will be different. I hereby ask my fellow Suicide Project members thus: How does one get over an abusive relationship, and ensure that it will not cause more difficulties in future relationships, if one should submit itself?