Often I sculpt people
Who aren’t there
To create memories that don’t exist
That make me laugh at nothing
Often
Pretend that someone is concerned
That I actually knew you
And that the choir knows my name
At night I imagine
That I smell your hair
I hear you breathe
I slip into your womb
Always
I wake up alone
With a fractured skull
And empty space
Still in my wheelchair
Unable to move
While the diva in my head
Sings long arias
Of self abuse
That I twist into
Lullabies just to survive
In the doctors office
I open the magazine
I fail the […]
I keep analyzing myself and trying to find a more accurate way of defining what goes on in my head. By definition, It is almost like some violent form of ADHD. There are these sort of sensory gates that feed information to the brain. For someone with ADHD, those gates never close. There is this constant, overwhelming stream of information being fed to the brain at all times. So from what I can tell, (correct me if I’m wrong) a normal train of thought […]
Howdy!
so this is my first post. I’ve stumbled across this site a few times but never posted. I’m currently an inpatient on line of sight in a psychiatric hospital. I’m 30, I’m a doctor and I’m married with two kids. So plenty to live for. I’ve a hold load of baggage which I’m not even going to go into.
ive been in hospital sectioned for 18 months. On Friday I nearly died. Despite being on line of sight (1:1 obs all the time) I tied a ligature to asphyxiate myself. I used a bed sheet and it was very quick. I was resuscitated and […]
I Fucking hate you. I really do. Because I can’t tell you what goes on in my head. I can’t. If I told you that I can picture myself painting the most beautiful mural I’ve ever seen as I splatter someone’s brain across a wall, youd never speak to me again. Youd never see me the same. If I told you that I love you in the same breath, you would fucking hate me. But it’s only natural to hate a sociopath. Right? […]
Here I am, don’t rock me like a hurricane, just hear me out. I have been dealing with some of the most difficult shit that I have ever had to deal with in my entire life and I am completely done with all of it. This life and this bullshit seriously arent worth the endless hours of agony and the energy that it takes to continue on.
At times I don’t even know who I am anymore. From one minute to the next it seems as though I am forced to deal with more drama, insanity, and childish crap than a middle school principal.
I […]
I know everyone is caught up in their own life, and I get that. Still, people are so clueless to see when others are not well around them. They ask me if I’m okay constantly due to my demeanor, because I don’t smile or laugh anymore. I use to wear that mask for everyone. I’d go to work or visit family and put on that ”happy mask” and I’ve come to the place before my end, where I just don’t give a shit anymore. If they want to ask questions, that’s fine, they’re entitled to. Doesn’t mean I have to answer, but if I do […]
I have occasional voices in my head and they tell me i have till i’m 27 to live, i know i’m a bit mental, anybody else? I’m not massively suicidal but it’s when the voices come back it starts
So, to make this simple, i fucking hate myself. I am not (and will never be) content with who i am. Nothing is actually wrong with me, i would just thoroughly enjoy killing myself. I am only posting this to relieve myself of hatred, or at least attempt to. I don’t care for sympathy. I do not want help. Nothing will ever stop these thoughts, no matter what anyone tells you. I have more friends in my head than i do in real life, simply because we share the same interests; death. The absolute ONE reason i am still alive is my boyfriend. I don’t […]
I have a handle of vodka, antidepressants, and a razor.
I haven’t properly slept in a little over a week. I’ve probably slept about 4 hours the most.
When I do sleep, I get these nightmares of the same thing. When i’m awake, I see the creature everywhere I go. The voices in my head won’t shut up.
I just want to be free. Is that too much to ask? I feel like a zombie half time. Sleep is my enemy. My mind is hazardous.
I’m tired of crying, i’m tired of sleepless nights, i’m tired of being being tired. I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore.
I always play out something in my head like for example, if I imagine myself going to my room to put curtains up I imagine seeing a face in the window… But I never see them just imagine them and it’s always the same monster just different at times.. It’s always a white face or mask with black hole for eyes or just souless pitch black eyes or something on the stair case… Someone touching my feet when I’m a sleep or when laying in bed i imagine seeing a shadow crawling around on the floor.. I get sculed at for leaving the lights on […]
Like most people here I have reached the end of my rope. My world is crashing around me and I cant hold on anymore. In the past year I have lost everything about myself. I look in the mirror and I don’t even know who the person staring back is. I have gotten so good at pretending that everything is ok and that I don’t cry when I am alone. The thoughts of suicide that use to be few and far in between have now taken a permanent residence in my head.
I saw the signs and yet I ignored them. There is no one to […]
Hey everyone,…
I ‘m new Here.
And…
I’m lost right now….
Everything goes wrong in my head for 7 years… It goes up and down but i know now nothing will never be fine. I think I’m a lost cause. Last year i décided to see a therapist for the first time and I must take now neuroleptics for my anxieties.
Since 7 years all i wanted to do was get away from the others… I never trusted anyone. But last year something changed, and I could finally have a true friend… Someone who was here everytime it goes bad, someone to talk to, someone who […]
Question: If no one is here to save me from the demons, and supposedly I can’t rely on others am I all alone?
I have fought the monster in my head called depression for so long. I am sorry that people have tried to save me and that it wasn’t enough. I am trying to restrain myself from the pills that sit next to me on the table. All of those medications that tried to make me better, THEY DID NOT WORK. The depression has worsened, I fake a smile and try to be anyone but the fucked up, messed up, person I am. I seem […]
Does anyone else have conversations with people who are long gone?
I mean, I’m doing it all the time now. I’m not even thinking up the other side of the conversation in my head, it just comes out, reply after reply after reply to ghosts. To an outsider listening to me, they’d assume I was just on the phone.
I’ve had different variations of the last fight I ever had with him. Versions where I was on the defensive, versions where I attacked… Why did I have to stay silent when it really mattered?
If I’d spoken up when you asked me to leave and not come back, […]
Well, I’m still here.
The last time I tried to do this it was so easy to get away and to be alone for hours, with no chance of anyone checking on me.
Woke up this morning, I didn’t eat because I didn’t want to. Nothing tastes right anymore. Had a shower, the warmth of the water felt nice. I forgot myself in the heat. I’d wait until she left, get the belt and go. Only she wanted me to go with her to visit relatives. After a shouting match she apologized to me and left.
Excellent, I’d been set back by half an hour, but that was […]
the song you were thinkin of by bob dylan is Highway 61 revisted, i know how songs can linger in my head and bug the fuck otta me untill i figure it out; if you’re the same way, i hope this helps:
Soundtrack (The Bootleg Series Vol. 7). It was written by Bob Dylan.
Oh, God said to Abraham, “Kill me a son”
Abe says, “Man you must be puttin’ me on”
God says, “No”, Abe say “What?”
God say “You can do what you want Abe but
The next time you see me comin’ you better run”
Well Abe said, “Where do you want this […]
i dont know who i am any more. the people and things that i used to enjoy only serve to upset me. the magic is gone. i have no friends left and no will to make another. what purpose do i have? i cant find satisfaction any were let alone peace of mind. its like a constant screaming match in my head. nothing feels right any more, nothing feels real. im tired. i just want this to be over. i cant pull the trigger ive tried so now i just lay in bed at night crying hoping i wont wake up in the morning. this […]
the song you were thinkin of by bob dylan is Highway 61 revisted, i know how songs can linger in my head and bug the fuck otta me untill i figure it out; if you’re the same way, i hope this helps:
Soundtrack (The Bootleg Series Vol. 7). It was written by Bob Dylan.
Oh, God said to Abraham, “Kill me a son”
Abe says, “Man you must be puttin’ me on”
God says, “No”, Abe say “What?”
God say “You can do what you want Abe but
The next time you see me comin’ you better run”
Well Abe said, “Where do you want this […]
If it all worked out we would live in a different house.
We would live in a different town.
This is a brand new start; clear body, broken heart.
I’ll come visit you when I get the chance.
Breathing’s not easy when you’re underwater.
I am drowning and you’re keeping me under.
Close your eyes, sleep outside. it’s warmer than in here.
I’ll be fine, I’ll run and hide. I wish I could stay here.
You’re still in my head. my mind’s convinced that you never left.
I’m counting down till I see you next.
I still compare everything to your silhouette.
How can I forget what is […]
Yet again the voices in my head have won another night.