Ever since I was a little kid maybe just 5 years old I was always extremely depressed. When all other kids were thinking about growing up, getting a job married etc. the only thing I would think about all day every day is “I can’t wait till I die” I always would tell myself that I won’t live to 18 then I said I won’t live to 21. As a kid my dad was very abusive towards me my mom and my siblings. I have a neurological disorder that makes me grown little bumps on my body. It causes me to walk slightly slanted forward […]
Tag:
in my head
I quit. I can’t save people, I can’t talk to people, I can’t love people right, I can’t do it. I’m done.
Fuck everything. Fuck the images replaying in my head. Fuck my fucked up choices.
And no matter how much love and care you give to people they’re going to chew you up and shit you out. They never take you serious enough. There’s a quote I read….”A lot of you cared, just not enough.”
I’m going to start cutting everyone off now. It saves me the pain later. And this God I’m supposed to believe in knows I’m tired of it. Done being strong for everyone […]
Don’t wanna live cause I’m dead inside. Don’t wanna live cause I have a harsh life. Nothing but pain filled with panick attacks, nothing but falling into old traps. I am sick and tired of your little game. The game where you decide to show me pain. The place where I feel alone and I don’t even exist. The place where you…forget about it, never mind, don’t care for me, you got  too many other things on your mind. But your game is over cause I escaped, I suffered 18 years from this terrible pain, but now starts a new age cause I escaped and […]
Hi to all,
Well, it has been 14 months since got sick physically – could not exercise or do anything after a while; things escalated and got worse every day. Now just breathing is so hard, and can’t even move without having terrible chest tightness, stomach aches, dry mouth and other stuff.
Docs first checked me for some general illnesses and after they found not a thing; it had to be in my head, of course.
The thing is not like many here may have; I have a physical sickness which is killing me and the docs can’t find what seems to be the problem, and then the […]
“Why me?”
“Why do I have to live with this pain? (mentally)”
“Why can’t I smile like everyone else”
“Why can’t I be happy?”
“Can I please die?”
My depression started in September 2012. When I applied for university in 2011, I got rejected which I didn’t mind first time round. Later on the year, I applied again in 2012, guess what, I got rejected. That’s when my depression started. I just can’t deal with rejections. My “friends” are busy with their university friends and their new life whereas I, stuck at home, hoping to go university. I have tried applying for jobs but no result. Any way, I applied […]
I run today Litterely moving. The world through my eyes is cold. Full of dark colors. The air is crisp around me thin. layers of mist collect on my face under my hat on my glasses. Â I hold my keys in my hands their sound as constant as my steady moving lump of body mass. I run. Its has been a long time since I have run and I can’t remember why I would do such a thing at the moment.Â
My body jiggles forward my mind moves back in memory. forcing me to quite again to walk I keep moving. I remember wanting to die. […]
This is one of those night I strated to think about future. What is ahead of me? I ended up thinkinging about hope. What is hope?
It means so many different things to so many people. For some people it’s about getting food to stay alive. For some people it’s about getting alive to a school or to a scrocery store. For some it means about getting through the everyday life, even you have everything you need. I’m one of the persons in the last group.
I have a family. Beatyfull and smart wife, two awesome boys. I love my family more than life itself. Â I have […]
I’m thankful for a place where you can vent about the darkness of the soul,
and the tragic sufferings of life.
I am truly thankful for the responses.
I had this idea in my head about how much worse things could get in just one day,
but it works the other was just the same.
If you must go know it’s ok,
and if you must stay again know it’s ok.
I hope you all have the ability to dream,
and the fortune of friends.
Drunken Religion:
On the off chance the inspiration in me
Is genuine and not a result of the chemical mix within me
I present myself to the universe whole
And request forgiveness for the sin that breeds beauty within me when I can’t feel my soul
My inhibitions turn up dead
Life is crazy and I can’t decide whether God only exists in my head
False bravado is the solution when
Cheap vodka is my only friend
The love of my life passed me by tonight
In the dark in the wee hours of graduation night
At first I wasn’t sure it was her and […]
I’ve been trying to get myself out of the suicide trend for a few years. I’m a diagnosed bi-polar, I’ve lived most of my life in poverty, in “a rich country” of Canada. I’ve done many therapies and tried many drugs, but it’s all quackery. what’s Quackery you say? it’s treating the symptoms not the causes. the causes are attachments to others, lack of stable/gainful income, stable food/roof, and women, god women. just god awful bitches every where I look.
I had an idea in my head that maybe if I could suffer my entire life and be in such darkness the opposite could be true. […]
I’m struggling. My brain is in fog. I feel like I’m grasping to get a hold of my thoughts but they slip through my fingers like smoke. I can’t focus, I can’t think, I can’t concentrate. I’m meant to be writing for a big project, but just can’t get a hold. I know that it is in my head somewhere but it may as well be covered in lard for all I can get a grip on it. I know I can be so much better than this but it is all so exhausting, I am tired and I am lost like this. I just […]
My depression has been beyond bad for the past two weeks. I don’t think there’s been more than a 3 hour period where I didn’t think about ending it…ending life. And today, I’ve hit a new low. Not only did I make a mistake that I don’t remember doing, I’m being fired for it. I lost my job that provided my housing and most of my food. I now have to tell my bosses at my other job how much of a screw-up I am and move back home to face my parents. In my family, you don’t quit and you do everything 1000% to […]
So I just found this website o whatever today and I guess I thought it would be a good way to right the things I can’t say out loud to anyone even though I know no one will probably read this. I’ve been depressed for the last 5 years and I finally decided to see a psychologist about it since my self harm problem has started up again and my suicidal thoughts have been getting stronger. The only problem is my mom, I can’t tell her why i want to see a psychologist because she’d freak and never let me leave the house alone ever […]
Well today was a terrible day. Started off good enough, I felt real for the first time in a while although I’m still hearing what people say repeating in my head, idk what that is, but anyway, I told a joke in school, a joke I won’t talk about but I’ll just say it got taken out of context, and of course the dean of students or whatever the hell you call him and now I’m going to have to deal with this shit. Of course it’s on the fist day I feel real and am starting to wish to continue on this happens. Fuck […]
It’s  almost to a point where I wish I was dead just to end the nothing. The deadness inside. So much pain. Pain is all thats left. Pain and more pain. I cling to the pain like a life raft. I’ve shut out to feeling anything else. Its like being colorblind. More like LSD. Pain is like LSD. The colors are brighter more vibrant when tinged in LSD or pain. Every other feeling is like normalcy. It feels dull. The world just isn’t as vibrant. Happiness doesn’t feel as happy. Its tinged. It feels like the difference between color TV and black and white. It’s […]
Do you ever wake up feeling like today is going to be another bad day? Thinking that nothing will change, that it will just be this daily routine of negative thoughts and feelings in Your head? Well maybe you do, maybe you don’t. But me…well this is only just the frosting to the cake.
all My life I’ve felt like i don’t belong anywhere i go. Whether it is family, school friends, outside of school friends, sporting teams, swimming squad, whatever. Ive always felt this sense of isolation and separation from the others. At first, when I was 5, it didn’t matter to me, I just […]
I’ve decided to create an account today, because it is my final attempt to have my voice heard. Efforts will be made to console and reassure me that the world of hell that I’ve been imprisoned in for twenty-two years is worth living; I’m beyond approach. I’m a girl who was born into a highly dysfunctional family, to a mother who showed nothing more than apathy towards me, to a fatherless home. That’s not why I’m here. My upbringing didn’t bring me to the place that I’m at right now.
My mother died when I was in twelfth grade and the depression and underlying psychological […]
I sometimes miss what could have been- some people wont get that and wonder how I could miss something I’ve never experienced first hand, but I guess you don’t really need to understand it. My life is too full of what ifs, maybes, and day dreams of what I want myself and my life to be like. I think I stopped trying to live “here” a long time ago, I live in my head now because facing what is right in front of me is too painful. I cringe at the thought of acknowledging  my life, both past and present. Yet I am obsessed with […]
I stared at my sister laying on the ground, her pale white hands on her throat gasping for breath; my baby sister that was naturally tanner than me was pale and bleeding out from both her wrists and her throat. I didn’t even realize it but I was screaming and I couldn’t stop. I screamed for my sister that was now bleeding on to the tan carpet, I screamed for the fear that was over coming my whole body.
“Dad! Dad! Daddy!” then came the […]
I’ve faded down to the deep blue abyss what’s the point the voice in my head says. I’m too nice I don’t speak my mind I cut to get better i take pills knowing they make me worse I’m just waiting for the last thing to hit