Sometimes it may look like I have enough answers to improve my own life but truth is I’m barely holding myself together..
In a year I’ve lost my girl, my career is over, I lost my place and my will to make progress has run dry.
There are parts of my own sanity that create conflict in myself and between others..that now, I find myself giving into accepting the fact that I need medical help and councilors to guide me in even the most simplest of ways. I have the motivation but i still find myself in the same situation.
I want to live but […]
When I was kind of living all over the place, she stepped in and helped me, even though I didn’t really like her. When CPS came and saw me, I went to church with her that day and spent the night with her. I was TOTALLY freaking out and she talked with me and stayed up with me till 1 in the morning. She laid next to me and played with my hair to calm me down. She took me for the weekend to her home town and we stayed at her parents and met her siblings and aunts. They were totally nice to me. […]
Not usually too into country type stuff, but I’ve been playing a bit of guitar myself again recently and this one struck me. Struck a chord, you could say. Actually I’ve been gaining a new appreciation for country/blues stuff in general recently. Just a matter of separating the good from the overly generic.
Something Salt said recently reminded me that I rarely actually post on here, just comment for the most part. So I decided to put some music on and type out a post. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about…well, the general insanity of the world, particularly the blended up mix of good […]
Here I sat on a bench on a lonely night. The city is busy as it always is, millions of people going through their daily lives. Young couples walking hand in hand through. Others like me walking in solitude, sounds of a festival of some sort sounding in the distance. The stars shining their strange otherworldly glow, a perfect sight to behold. Too bad it’s spent in lonliness I thought to myself. And then she came to me, as I laid eyes on her face, I was mesmerized. Love at first sight, she asked my name and I told her. Then she said, I’m Maria, […]
Ok ok I’m gonna try to calm myself down enough to make sense… I’m a veteran infantryman/machine gunner from the US Marines, I’m 27 next month, and I have a 2yr old son& and baby on the way… Regardless, I lost my job, I’m in Australia with no family, my partner can’t come with me for many months if I leave and I can’t take my son from her… It would kill her. My life has been contemplated in the past and now I don’t know what what to do. I’m not gonna be one of these ones that get into elaborate plans of suicide, […]
I want you guys to know its ok to want to kill yourself and that its also ok if you want to not ‘give up’ (more like give in). I know there are many various spiritual beliefs so i won’t get into that but i want you to know that the only person who can judge you is you. The opinions of your family, friends, the state or ‘God’ don’t matter. You are what matters. If you feel like it is your time to leave Earth then leave, cleanly, without regret. For those worrying about hurting their loved ones. Imagine if you moved to some […]
I am fifty-one. I can’t believe I am still here because I never wanted to live. I want to die. I feel badly when I hear about people dying when they wanted to live and had a lot to live for because I continue on with almost no will to live. I will probably live to be ninety unless I intervene. I’ve wondered if living is my punishment.
Nobody gives a shit. I hear about people who drop dead, and nobody notices for weeks, months, and even years. I worry about that happening to me. Luckily I don’t have any pets.
I must be a terrible person […]
Its like 2:30, i’m still awake for no real reason other than debating whether I should go to work in the morning or just not go and die at a relatively soon timing. I’ve had serious thoughts about not existing since late elementary to early middle school and its just developed into a sad hobby of sorts. I’ve spent at least half an hour to an hour daily recently looking up different ways to kill myself and I think the only reason I haven’t done it yet is that my biggest fear is failing and being unable to make another attempt for whatever reason. My […]
I’m choking on the familiar cold in the air.. My lungs are beginning to shrink with every new breath I take.. I feel the tingling of the frost beginning in my fingers.. And I’m afraid.. Something I know so much of.., yet not enough knowledge could jump start my mind into the painful realization that I’m drowning.. Drowning in the sea and sun.. The water is suffocating but I see nothing but ice above me.. Preventing me from taking another fresh breath of a beautiful nothing called air.. And at that moment I begin to sink.. But I know the sun will melt the ice […]
It’s like fucking 5 o’ clock in the morning, a time in which normal people can sleep right? Well screw that! What a better time than this? This just happened to me.
I was talking to my best friend (and unluckily for me I’m in love with her). That’s why I’m awake.
So yeah, things were going normal until she said “I love you” and lots of hearts. For some reason I knew she wasn’t the one who was sending those messages. But then again you couldn’t imagine how happy I was.
Guess what? I was right. I then received a voice message that said it wasn’t […]
The moon and I have a unique relationship. I’m a cancer and cancers are called “moon babies”. I often stare at the moonlight. It’s fascinating to me. My dream life would be sitting on the moon, in the pouring rain, in quietness with my dog. I daydream about life being that simple.
Eurgh im struggling again, I’m sick of my life being robbed due to bipolar and anxeity. I try to be a good Mummy to my four children but with two babies aged 17 months and 4 months I just can’t cope. I’m feeling under pressure to be a good mum and wife, no one appreciates me, I hate what I see in the mirror now I miss my barbie doll looks and perfect figure im just a fat depressed mum 🙁
I’ve thought about killing myself almost daily since I was 12 years old. I am now 25. My plan/methods became more refined as I got older until I reached a detailed, effective plan. I feel as though I am marching inexorably towards my suicide, even if there is still a very small part of me that doesn’t really want to die. Every time that little part gets drowned out by the suicidal thoughts, I seize the opportunity to purchase another piece of equipment or put another affair in order. Everything is almost ready.
How do I know when it’s time to go?
While I’m at it, in support […]
Right now I’m lying here in bed, like every weekend, overthinking, like trapped inside my own mind. I wonder what may be wrong, I can’t find any answer. Since I was a little child, I knew there was something different in me, too shy, too nervous, too sensitive, too depressed.
I grew in a humble home, my parents never went to a school, dad was an alcoholic and agressive person, often came drunk and angry at the nights. Sober or drunk, whatever, he always seemed disappointed about me, and that was confusing to me, because I always did my best in everything. Mom was a victim […]
From how my friends and family treat my sisters is a lot different from how I’m treated. I alway tell my parents I see how excited and more outgoing my friends are around them, and when they approach me they seem bored and more reluctant to talk to someone else.
My parents seem to think I’m just imagining things. They tell me I’m just taking their actions differently, and that they still love me. But I can’t see it. Every time I invite a friend over they smile and greet me, and before long they ditch me for them.
I’m not angry, nor do I blame my […]
I can’t control my feelings, I can’t control how worthless I think I am. I am surrounded by happy people living life and there’s me sitting in the corner drowning my sorrows. I feel useless, I can’t do anything. My so called friends don’t give a damn what I feel, my parents only care about their work and have no time to spend time or care about me. I don’t know what’s the point of living anymore, what’s the point of living if no one likes you the way you. I mean, life is meaningless, it’s a test whether you can survive or not. I can’t do […]
I hit myself in the head and slap myself over and over when no one is around. I hate myself. I cry and scream. someone please help me someone I am going insane please someone help me.
Why do we pick days for suicide? I have been trying to plan mine for a fucking year, maneuvering the date around birthdays or special occasions. But then I realized, it doesn’t matter what day it is. It doesnt matter if we leave a note expressing our apologies to loved ones or telling them how much we love them. It is never going to take the pain away. Suicide is selfish and I’m not going to bullshit myself anymore. It just is. But people make selfish decisions all the time, not revolving around death. I’m choosing this for me. For once in my life, I’m […]
For the past week and a half, I have been walking through a tunnel of darkness, it feels. I couldn’t see and thought I wasn’t going to be able to find a way out. It was disorienting. But I kept trudging, and along the way, fears from childhood pulled at me from the darkness. They nagged at me. “Stay with us,” they pleaded. “Don’t leave us behind,” they cried. So I stayed for a while. They soothed me with their familiarity. So I stayed for a few more days. Then a voice within the darkness asked me, “Don’t you remember?” But my fears gripped me […]
My inheritance is not in the form of material possessions.
My inheritance is not written into my parents’ wills. It wasn’t written into their parents’ wills either.
Our family heirlooms take the form of sertraline, once a day, everyday.
Beta-blockers for anxiety.
Checking. Checking everything. Are the doors locked? Yes. I will check them again. And again.
And again.
I didn’t use the oven today, but I will still make sure it is off.
My inheritance is mood swings and fear. Insomnia and disordered eating. Addiction and self-doubt.
And just as I have inherited my brown hair and freckles, I have inherited all of these things too.