Why do we pick days for suicide? I have been trying to plan mine for a fucking year, maneuvering the date around birthdays or special occasions. But then I realized, it doesn’t matter what day it is. It doesnt matter if we leave a note expressing our apologies to loved ones or telling them how much we love them. It is never going to take the pain away. Suicide is selfish and I’m not going to bullshit myself anymore. It just is. But people make selfish decisions all the time, not revolving around death. I’m choosing this for me. For once in my life, I’m choosing to be selfish. And it’s so bittersweet. I have bouts of peace and fear, of a twisting sensation in my chest… Not to mention I can’t try to end it during the week because God forbid if I fail, it will fuck up everything. I can’t miss work and I won’t be able to hide an attempt like I’ve done in the past. I think its going to be the oxy I have in my drawer with some alcohol. Respiratory failure isn’t that bad…I’ve been down that road before. Only this time, I am not saving myself.
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4 comments
I hate that you’ve reached this point. I hope you find your peace.
Thanks, this is my last resort. Nowhere to go but up I guess.
If you plan it you don’t mean it. It shows that you care enough about the day. That’s just enough to keep you going. The day you don’t plan is usually the last day.
Oh, trust me. I mean it. I don’t care about the day, I care about the people the day effects. They are the only thing that has kept me going but I also don’t want to fuck up anybody’s life on a continual basis. At least this is the last fuck up. The times I didn’t plan, shit hit the fan so this time I’m making sure it works.