All I can ask for is help at this point. I feel like the further I go in life the more I wish I could just stand still. Fear is all I feel most of the time. I fell it when I’m at school, when I go out, when I’m talking to my bestfriend, when I’m talking to anyone. It’s the fear of being judge, rejected, the fear of not being accepted. Fear is not all I feel though. I fell well in the only way I can put it… Alone. Alone and scared. I feel alone bc I feel there is nothing more I […]
in the
I’ve wasted much of the past fourteen years being lost in the pain of losing someone I cherished more than anyone. Some of you have seen the details puked out here on SP and I won’t go into them again – suffice it to say I gave my life to someone who decided it was more in their best interest to dump me in the gutter and run off with a child molester.
I’ve not had any contact with her for several years, at which time she got in touch with me for reasons still unknown. I made it clear I knew all the secrets, even […]
I tried on Tuesday. Failed. Will not fail this weekend. No energy right now. Waiting for SO to go out so i can go out alone and do what has to be done. My therapist gave me a crisis line, lol. Like I would call. I don’t think so. I’ve done so in the past, jsut feel silly. I’m done .
With every step forward I use to think it was a step away, and in a way it was. A step into the future, not a better future but a future none the less. It’s funny but when the past is dark and you start to make moves into the future, you can believe the future to be brighter, or that the darkness is the past. It’s amazing how easy it is to make yourself believe something, all you need is the desire to believe it, belief in something doesn’t make it true but it offers comfort to believe that the future holds more than […]
Mirror mirror on the wall
Please tell me who I’m looking for
Mirror mirror on the wall
Why do you allow my reflection let me fall
Mirror mirror on the wall
I cannot tell how old or young I am anymore
Mirror mirror on the wall
Your making me sad when I see you evermore
I cannot look in mirrors any longer
With mirrors around there’s no hope of me getting stronger
I delude myself but covering the truth when I look in them
With the help of lies that substances bring whence in my system
Though I am always stuck; are mirrors the illusions?
Or is […]
I really should have died then, Tsukuru often told himself. Then this world, the one in the here and now, wouldn’t exist. It was a captivating, bewitching thought. The present world wouldn’t exist, and reality would no longer be real. As far as this world was concerned, he would simply no longer exist—just as this world would no longer exist for him.
You label me as high functioning. Apparently that is my anchor. The fact I can go to work and attend university. That I present a facade of normality that rivals that of any you have ever seen. I assume, in the way it is delivered, that it is meant to be a compliment. That it manifests in some super human strength to carry on living while I am already dead. The reality is much less glamorous. I spend my work days pretending to bother myself with their petty and inconsequential issues, generally a result of their own stupidity. Then I go to school, and expend […]
iam a 27 year old male…at the age of 21 my mother (who had divorced my father when i was 9) eloped with a man i had never met and left me with no where to go…i ended up roomating with a guy that was a drug addict and had a mental problem..i became greatly depressed as i was already suffering from social anxiety..and fell into heavy drinking..i would drink almost everyday…and i couldnt stop..this went on for years until i had a nervous break down at the age of 26 and i was put on to anti psychotic medications which i take every night…(alot […]
Out of all my friends I am one of the most suicidal unfortunately.
When I admitted to The clinic, my closest friend had already been in here for a month prior due to an Eating Disorder.
When I’d get severely down she’d always say “we can do it together” I always said “no. I refuse to drag you down with me” and I meant it. Jess doesn’t actually want to die, she has an ED that wrecks her life but I can see hope for her. She’d been well once, she can be well again.
And then I met Britt. Both these girls were so much […]
Today as I got up for school, my mother came into my room.. telling me if I don’t go to school she’s going to kick me out of the house .. I’m only 16, I can’t drive, I don’t have a job, and I have no friends .. As I finished getting ready for school my mother tells me she mad me breakfast. I informed her I wasn’t hungry, she thew the food In the hallway, shoved me against the wall and repeatedly pushed me, therefore we moved into the kitchen. I told her I wasn’t riding with her, she grabbed me by my arm […]
We all have those moments where we just want to die. This was a feeling that I had that was stronger than ever. Since I was a little girl, I was fat and I have been called fat. I’m not gonna lie…it hurt badly. It made me feel terrible. Those beautiful girls out there were skinny, so where does that leave me? I cried and cried myself to sleep sometimes because I was ugly and fat. As I got older, it was worst. You were judged all the time, whether if it was how pretty you were, what was your weight, or the clothes you […]
I have suffered from depression and anxiety for many years now. I usually never thought of my current situation as being that depressing though. I’m on active duty and my duty station of the last 2.5 years has been the worst, but in the last year I felt like I made the most of it.
Yet, earlier this week, I realized that I do not value life. I don’t value mine. I don’t necessarily de-value the lives of others (I’m NOT homicidal) but the idea of losing people no longer fazes me. I’m really numb to grieving at this point.
My life is not upwardly mobile. I […]
My Body is hurting like crazy I hope my pain has a limit because I’m so tired of it all damn muscles spasms n it’s too much pain I have pills but I choose not to take them my spine n back feel like the springs on a slinky going forward I have a few friends I like to chat with n to maybe help me to get better in a way by making me laugh n at times I just don’t know whether I want to just throw in the towel n say I’m done with life it seems I’ve been waiting […]
Happiness has long eluded me. I lost the sensation of warmth in my soul. I cannot feel anymore. I miss feeling worthy. I miss the gentle touch of another humans embrace.
The only time where I can remember being truly happy was during my deployment to Dubai. I got to meet soldiers from other countries, and I was away from Australia that holds a lot of painful memories. I found a picture in the ARA newspaper today and it brought a smile to my face – it had been taken early march when I did a speech for International Women’s Day. Major General Omar showed his […]
it all started when i was ten.. my relationship with my parents was horrible, i started rebelling, cutting myself for the pain i felt, nobody loved me back then, my mom emotionally abused me 24*7, every moment at home felt like forever, it was hard.my dad was so controlling, he would scare me with his voice, and behaviour, he took away my phone, my stuffs, called me a dirty hoe. my mom and dad would fight, and scream, and she would threaten him that she will leave the house,or they will get separated. my mom also threw plates at me many times. we lived in […]
R.I.P J.M
YOU’RE GONE
They dug him a grave six feet deep within the pallid earthly dirt amidst God’s acre
He is gone – a Priest announced sympathetically. Too young for his life to be over
After the cerise and snowy-white roses were gracefully cast upon his brown coaxed coffin; they covered his ashen body’s casket under a coat of soil, and a tile of risen concrete protection
The patch around his gravestone gradually becoming stonewashed
As the years of that significant date’s memorial’s winter sun shone down upon it evermore
I now realise the existence of the demons he’d been facing
My hands clenched in fists as I realised that […]
Everyone knows me as that smiling outgoing girl who is sometimes annoying but speaks her mind whenever something pops into her head! No one knows I feel so alone all the time, and that I just want more love. I always think about my life in the future, married to my dream man, having my dream family that consists of a boy, a girl, And a pair of twins (girl and boy). But then when I think about it I don’t want anything I just want to meet my maker and live a happy life in heaven.
As I write this, I’m sitting in bed with a loaded 9mm and capt Morgan white rum.
For the life of me I don’t get why I can’t do it, all my life all I’ve whined about and cursed god to do was take my life, yet presented with the opportunity I can’t do it… This is NOT a plead for help nor is it having second thoughts, my life has been shitty since birth! The usual… Father issues, my whole family gives me the cold shoulder.hell, one of my aunts thought it would be a good idea to tell me how my mother was […]
I want to take my life but I am too scared to do it. I’m not scared of what happens after. That part seems more of a comfort than anything else. I am more afraid of the act, of the pain in whatever method I chose or the consequence of failure of the attempt. I’m afraid of ending up a vegetable or worse that the people closest to me actually see me and I have to look them in the eye to answer their questions.
I wish there were clinincs that we could go to. You just walk in, fill out some forms, pass an evaluation […]