Taken from Robert Crumb’s Plunge Into The Depths Of Despair (1983)
And if anyone wants these comic strips in a PDF form:
This morning I was thinking of posting my last thoughts somewhere, just in case. I’m glad I came across this.
I will kill myself on an August 15th. I don’t really know the year, but that date will be. I’m supersticious of a certain event and I want to try out if it’s real or not.
The only thing that has kept me alive until now is anime, and will still until the August 15th.
My parents blame anime of my “weird” condition. What they don’t know is that it’s because of them I want to kill myself
I’ve tried so hard to get away from my parents. I saved a lot of money, enough for me to live for three months until I got a job. But my parents stole everything. They are important people, so they put some kind of curfew that doesn’t allow me to work in ANY place or leave my country.
They now accomplish every sick fantasy they have with me. From having a “brilliant child with a promising future and an important career” to sexual/dark things.
I am no longer owner of myself.
I’m so tired. I hate college. I cry everyday. I feel like I’m covered with mud.
Nobody notices what’s happening to me. Nobody even cares.
I don’t even understand why am I waiting for an August 15th if I keep wishing every day I wake to be the last.
Don’t get me wrong. I love myself so much. That’s why I’ve decided to do it: to avoid more suffering and to finally know peace.
I will throw myself off a bridge. I want my body to be as wrecked as possible so my parents will not try to rape me even if I’m dead. I’m not sure if I’ll work but I’ll try my best.
I’ve decided to give peace to my weary soul and shed the shell of human self. I have spent so much time going in and out of the reality of human existence, to realms far beyond the soul. Death and Rebirth without intention. My soul is eternal but this flesh is weak and poisoned. Is there salvation for aching bones and tethered flesh? A mind decayed by substance, a soul that cries for renewal. “Feed me to the bliss of abyss” pleads my soul. When i open my eyes and I realize I am myself again and I look at my skin and I touch it and I am real I want to scream, “Wake up you are here again!” Have I lost my mind? I don’t care about the answer to that question because no matter what I seek death.
About a week ago I found this site and decided to tell me story. There were some people who advised me to reconsider my suicide. The last couple of days I have been thinking, over thinking and rethinking the idea of taking my own life. And I have come to the conclusion that I will do it.
I know what it means to be death, there is no coming back or any way to reclaim your body. Iâ€™m calm about taking my own life because death, in my eyes, is a way to finally let everything rest.
â€œIt’s not suicide if you’re already dead insideâ€.
Before I finally leave this hellish and unfair world behind, I have decided to rewrite my goodbye letter. I took my old one and burned it. My new one is going to be a book. A book… really?Â Yes, a real well written book.
I see it as a way to finally be able to tell my entire story of the past years. From the moment I fell in love till my last day on earth.
I have chosen February 12th 2014 as my last day. Tomorrow I will resign from my job, so I can fully focus on my writing.Â Tomorrow Iâ€™ll start to count my days until the last days tick away. 200 days should be enough to write a book, I think.
Every couple of days I might post something on here about my progress. Having dyslexia wonâ€™t make the writing much easier but that wonâ€™t stop me.
After studying leastÂ painfulÂ suicide methods for many weeks now, Â I came toÂ conclusionÂ that properly done partial suspension hanging is the least painful way out. Â And I do have a proof. Â Â This morning Â I tried my noose that I made yesterday from strong leather belt with strong, large D-ring style buckle (one of those “Lewis” designs), Â to “try and see the fit”.
I had the noose hanging from a staircase railing, put it around my neck. Â I lowered my knees and the very moment when I felt the noose closing tightly around my neck veins (without choking me), Â I realized that this would be “it”. Â My mind said “OK, ENOUGH TRYING, STAND UP”.
But I could not stand up anymore. Â Feeling no pain or stress at all, I must have lost myÂ cautiousness in maybe 2 or 3 seconds (!!) and I was very likely on my way out for good. Â But this time I came back. Â I found myself Â laying on the floor where I must have dropped after one critical rivet in the belt buckle broke and the noose gave in. Â I remember Â waking up to reality from a truly stunningly beautifulÂ dream I did not want to wake up from. Â I found my glasses on floor right besides me. Â Next time, soon, I will make sure the belt I use will be fail proof. Â I found one at home already.
Now my story “WHY?” Â if anyone is interested in reading it.
I am a male over 50, worn-out, ill, depressed, unemployable with no income because last November I completely lost my business due to lack of my own self-preservation arising perhaps from my medical condition.
My medical condition is bipolar combined with depression. Â Bipolar was very likely activated 10 years ago by maxed dosages of Effexor prescribed to me by family doctor after I completely burned out from work load.
Now my own business that I had been building for the past 20 years by working hard almost day and night is completely gone mostly due to my own very wrong gross mistakes and trusting wrong people. Â All my assets are completely gone with nothing but small maybe 3-month cash reserve fund left. Â Â I have 3 children now at High School living with my high-income ex-wife who now lives with a new partner. Â The house I left to my wife and kids after divorce is now worth $1M, almost paid for and my wife + her partner make $150K+ a year. Â So my ex, kids and the family “on the other side” will be at least “reasonably” all right after I leave. Â With no income and no real employment in foresight, I have no other choice left but to go on welfare.
Not being able to pay hefty child support for the next decade my drivers licence will be taken and endless jail terms will follow. Â That is the way it is in this society. Â Â If my ex-wife could only say, Hey, you are sick with no income, and I am making good income, so don’t worry about child support, maybe for a year or two or until you get better and recompose yourself, Â I WOULD BE ABLE TO CONTINUE LIVING. Â Â But that is not how this legal system works.
So I have no other choice but to go for good unless I want to face lengthy jail what I don’t. Â I will be Â going soon. Â Very soon. Â
I should be happy with the camera my parents gave me but I’m not. Not at all and that makes me feel really bad. I’m an awful brat who doesn’t want presents. I am happier with the 2 books they gave me. That would have been enough, I would have been fine with a hug or a cup of tea too.
They have asked me several times if I wanted a new camera and I always said no. They still gave me one. A Nikon, if they would ever listen to me than they should know I hate Nikon. Now I’m jealous of every one with a Canon. I can’t do anything with this camera. The old one is better, that’s bad. Do I want my parents to know about this or not? Probably not, I don’t want to hurt them. They think they made me happy with it, I don’t want to ruin it for them.
I should be happy and thankfull. Does this gift mean they try and care or that they just don’t know me at all?
I knew they don’t know me already.
I’m crying now, I’ve been feeling bad the last few days. Actually I never feel good but the last days were really bad. Aging doesn’t help. It makes everything worse.
And I know no one is reading this anymore. Why even bother?
Dying sounds better every day.
I started cutting again and I don’t care about it. It was probably a few years ago and I thought “Why cut if no one cares?” knowing it is not an attention seeking thing. I guess it was for me when I was 14 but I still hid it. No, I didn’t even have to my parents didn’t saw it anyway. 20 now. Yuck.
So yesterday, well. 2 days ago now was my birthday. The list of congratulations get smaller every year. Only confirms no one cares. Ironic how strangers do message me to say happy birthday.
Haven’t heart anything from my “best friend”. That one person I’m always there for. She cares less about me than my parents and that is almost impossible. I was sick on my birthday but no one believed me and they laughed about it. My mom did call my family to call me sick. Some still came. I cried thay whole morning in my room.
It was a pathetic birthday but my favourite of all.
Science shows that people with the most birthdays live longer. I know people with the least birthdays are the happiest.
Are you still reading this?
People think I’m happy but I can’t even fake a smile.
Yes, I feel guilty. For the camera.
If you have read my last posts you know how I got here…
Yesterday I lost my new job. The job was not for me, but it was a job. I have been so morbidly depressed over the loss the new life I had found, the loss of my home, and the loss of my things, being trapped living in a hotel room, I tried to work at this new job. It was not a fit for me. Under normal conditions I would have made it work, but I simply could not. I literally tried to hide my tears back throughout the day.
I cannot stop thinking about what my life just was and what it should be. How good it was.
Now I am off to a new city in the morning. I am driving 1400 miles to start over, again.
I have limited capitol, no medication, so source of counseling. I will be without a net.
This is sink or swim.
I hope I did not see my mom tonight for the last time. I have told them I have been suicidal but I don’t think they really understand that I have really been this way for 3 months.
My dog is sick. I must get her to a vet asap even tho I cannot afford it.
Leaving in the morning. To my death, to a new life?
I am scared. Really scared. Fear of death has kept me alive. Now we will see which I fear less,.. death, surviving, or homelessness.
Please just give me a Chan Marchall eulogy
If I was ever anything at all, it’s all breaking news to me
Breaking down in a rage, just to apologise
It’s really so strange watching all these strangers sigh
It feels like I’m living through my last days every day
On your strongest of days, you couldn’t make me feel any less insane.
Wish the ongoing theme about me, wasn’t “He’s just crazy”
Wish I knew safety
Wish nothing phased me
Wish I felt more than just feelings of unrest
Wish the darkness didn’t cloud me
Wish I wasn’t an emotional wreck
I don’t think I’ll be able to relate to any song more than this one. I can’t listen to it without shedding a tear and I cried like a baby when I just typed the lyrics up. Sorry I don’t know how to embed videos.
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