The last few days have been the worst in a while. He doesn’t like my scars and said its a deal breaker if I cut again. he doesn’t like me smoking or drinking. he hates that suicide crosses my mind every day. ive been so depressed, and I am forbidden from using my coping strategies. I tied myself a noose last night, just in case. I held the blade against my skin and managed to resist slicing. I beat myself with a belt tonight to try and feel something again. He doesn’t like how skinny I am, even though ive put on 5lb for him […]
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last
Do you guys also drive sometimes to be alone, and think. I found myself doing it alot in the last year sometimes I drove 2 hours, sometimes more sometimes less. It was quite expensive, but I had enough money to pay for it, so there wasnt a good reason for me to stop it. I always listen to music and my windows are always rolled down. I was just wonderin if a lot of people around here are doing it?
Slivers of life
Shaven off
Slowly taken
By a knife.
She shouted silently
As my last was gone
I fell to my coffin
For everyone to mourn.
To be in pain
All day long
Was my duty
In this plain old song.
Wasting away, peacefully so
Dieing my death
Finally you’ll know
As a follow up to my last post…
I feel so alone. He’s out with some other friends and earlier today I had to tell him about 20 times I don’t want to hear it and he actually said he thinks it would be good for me to get over him if I knew he went and fucked a random girl. No I just feel like my heart and soul got ripped out and stomped all over. It’s like he thinks my feelings can just be shut off and end on command. It’s like I’m not human at all. I feel so alone and like I […]
So I’ve been stepped up to “Home treatment” team. Which is laughable because the situation I’m in at the moment means no one can actually visit me at home, because it would actually cause more stress and end in too many questions (can’t really explain more than that).
They’ve basically said I can meet with the home team once they call me (should be tonight or tmro) and I’ll have access to the crisis house in my city if they feel it’s needed.
I just want to die. Its getting worse.
I’ve been honest with my partner they know I’m suicidal, they’ve said I should find something to […]
Hey everyone. 🙂
I know it isn’t long since I last posted, but it feels like much longer. Over the past few days I’ve been really wanting to write a post again. I’ve managed to write emails but when it came to writing something here I haven’t been able to. Most of this will be things I’ve said before, but I wanted to get them off my chest again.
I feel that my mental state is stagnating, although I still think meditation is helping. The same goes for keeping in touch with a couple of people from the site – it definitely helps to talk to people. […]
I am drained. I’m tired and exhausted of living in a body and in a world which I don’t care for, nor belong in. I have never really felt comfortable here, never felt a belonging that wasn’t as disingenuous as it was ephemeral, the only meaning, or purpose I have experienced, has been under substances, or even worse, from the euphoria of a biochemical imbalance. The only exception, the truly comfortable place, is this place in my head that I’ve known for quite some time; I would leave by my own hand. I hate myself and all of myself. All of the bits.
Although I […]
I’ve lived on the edge my whole life. Never had any stability, never had any sense of security, never felt like there was a tomorrow. I’ll be 38 next month and I’m just so, so tired.
I barely survive week to week. I’ve barely had money to eat when both my jobs won’t/can’t give me the hours I need. I work 12 hour days that add up to only 4-6 hours of pay in total. But that’s not my point. It’s just never getting ahead, never being able to save anything, never moving forward.
My biggest fear is that the man I love really wants to move […]
since i was here last, things have been getting steadily worse and worse in my mind. i’m lonely as ever, but can’t go outside or talk to people because of my social phobia. i still live in my little shoebox of a room, where i’m on the internet all day, every day, because if i don’t have that connection i’ll be completely alone. all i want right now is love, something i’ve never had. i want a boyfriend. but i’ll never be loved because i do not look like a model, and it sucks knowing this. it hurts to not be touched or anything, it […]
It’s been a long time since I was last here. About a year and half, to be exact. I thought I was really getting better but in the last few months, everything seems to be spiraling down again. I’ve read that it’s therapeutic to write about it, so hopefully this will help me.
In July, my boyfriend of seven months, Alex, broke up with me. He was everything I had wanted in a person and I woke up everyday with an overwhelming amount of happiness that I thought the years of suicidal thoughts and depression were finally leaving my mind.
If only I knew how wrong I […]
“A Broken Jar”
So here goes,
One last letter now. One last attempt to make sense.
Who have I been writing to? I’m not sure anymore.
What have I been trying to accomplish?
It’s a mystery, I guess. Self-made secrecy.
Things get cloudy and now all these stories and
The struggle as an undercurrent, both get blurry by the minute both get blurrier.
So, which voice is this then that I’ve been writing in? Is it my own or his?
Has there ever been a difference between them at all?
I don’t know I don’t know.
One last desperate plea. One last verse to sing.
One last laugh […]
If all goes well this may be my last post here. I think I finally found someone, we’re talking about a plan of action.
I’m writing this to thank everyone here and give some constructive criticism. You are all good people from what I can tell, helping random anonymous strangers through there roughest times while going through rough times yourselves in some cases. I see this as a place that welcomes the strange, and the lonely, and the scared, with open arms. My only criticism for this community would be the people who only offer support that encourages survival. I will admit that in most cases […]
I am an insult to depression. I am a living effrontery to depressed people.
I make a LOT of money doing a fairly easy job.
I live in a beautiful house that has been in commercials and magazines.
I bought a new car last week because I was bored with my bmw.
I am constantly surrounded by family and friends who tell me how great I am, and can’t tell you how many people I’ve had fall in love with me.
My best friend lets me dogsit his amazing black lab who is the embodiment of love whenever I want because he knows it helps me.
Despite all this, I am […]
Have you every heard the term downward spiral? I think I am more than half way down. One of the foreshadowing thoughts I have is knowing that I am not at rock bottom yet. The realization that I have even more misery to come is almost worse then the thought, that I now look fondly on days I thought was the worst day of my life. Days when I thought life couldn’t get worse are now happy memories because at those moments, I was so much better off than I am today. Try all I want there is no going back. I am getting older […]
No matter how hard I try to live on, I feel trapped. I don’t know what it is but I feel so trapped in life. I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t like it. I hate this. Nothing is okay and it never gets better. If it does ever get better, it just goes back to shit. I can’t do this anymore. I’m giving up for the last time.
I learned about different aspects on sexual assault in my human sexuality class last week, my mind is reeling. Â I think I will have to take some psychoanalysis next semester…
Coercion. Â I always thought that I was wrong.
Coercion. Â How do I keep getting into these situations, why do I attract these types?
Coercion. Â At least the other times I knew what it was, that I begged and cried for it to stop.
Coercion. Â At least I knew that it was still rape even though he didn’t complete his sexual cycle.
Coercion. Â But I felt guilty for so long because I didn’t know.
Coercion. Â I thought that his “persuasion” was just […]
I should have given up a long time ago… and each day that i live… I regret not leaving the last time. I just give up… There is NO HOPE!!! Nothing would change!!!! I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO STOP!
There are these layers within me. The first one is an ugly smile. I wear it when I can.
The second is my humour. Its black and depressive but effective.
The third is a wall of nothing. It stands there as a last outer defense against this world and all of its people.
The fourth is tears. Those pathetic single-tear dramatisations which reveals and inspires the shame of my being.
The fifth is weeping. The kind when you try to keep silent so nobody hears you but can all see the hiccups of your chest. It lasts for a lifetime. Its the thickest, but most fragile wall. It makes […]
been a while since his last post hope his life got better
I know the last couple of my posts have been nature based, but I can’t seem to get away from it (figuratively, not literally, cause we all live in Nature, hehe). I am over-flowering (ah geeze, nature puns heh) with a need to branch out (here we go again) and take the thorns (that’s he last one I promise) from your sides. I wish my words could block the negativity plaguing your hearts- but I can’t. Not fully anyway. I hope you all, my lovelies, took my advice from yesterday and made someone’s day a tid-bit brighter. In fact, I took my own advice and […]