Right now I’m only living because I am alive.To not waste what I consider a magnificent oportunity to discover,feel and enjoy everything that moves your heart.Yet no matter how hard I look,no matter how hard I search,I can’t find the rope to guide me trough the maze.I feel so alone…Everyone around me seem so far away,like I was in a different dimension overlaping his one but I couldn’t be touched.I can’t find what moved my heart anymore.Everyday seem wasted.I think: “If I was going to do nothing again,I should have stayed in bed”…Worthless chatter “It’s finaly geting hot outside!”…”I love the cold…”.Everybody looks at me […]
Tag:
Loneliness
Since i was a kid, i was taught to always treat everyone nice, be helpful, and loving. That true joy comes from making others happy, that if you are good and nice, good things will reflect back on you, that the harder things are the better chance you got to prove how strong you are in fighting against the evilness of the world, i was trying to be the super hero which will spread love and care.
Myself always came second, didnt matter, as long as i can make those who i can happy, I can stand against those who hurt me.. The pain began ever […]
The more honest you become with yourself, the less honest you can be with others, because you the more you sound like a nutcase.
Wheeee
I love my bycicle, it’s so worn and loyal. Getting rusty, and it’s a couple notches too big for my size which makes stopping and restarting a hassle and the front brake’s busted.
I daydream about getting straight out rammed by a monstrous car (then again what car isn’t a monster? Is there something uglier and more insulting than concrete?), a mangled bloody mess of broken nerves and metal lying on the pavement, a brainwave sliced by a cog.
An acrobatic improbable tumble where […]
How do I continue in my meaningless existence when I feel as if I’m on my own? I’m sure all of you who read this knows exactly how I feel, though I doubt anyone will read this so I’m just wasting my time as usual. Sigh. I am going to start using this as a vent, because I have no one to talk to that actually knows my pain, and those that pretend to or pretend to care are just inane and useless to me now. I am utterly alone, I go through the day with a fake smile plastered on my ugly face and a degrading […]
There have been several good episodes in my life, but as I look back I realize that the good ones would last just for a little while and the worst ones go on for years or will be there for the rest of my life.
A little more than 8 years ago I had a terrible car crash – I should be grateful about having survived with almost no injuries, but sometimes I wish I had died instantly instead because even prior to that I was a lonely freak and later on everything just got worse and worse.
So then I went to university and slipped deeper […]
Never thought I would be on a site like this. But you people would understand the most, or maybe not. You wouldn’t actually know what I go through, or much less what anyone else goes through. You have no idea of what goes on in people’s real thoughts, their real emotions, struggles, and actions. All you can really do is just read along and try to find a connection, a answer to whats ailing you, a hope that the person that wrote this would find a answer themselves, a answer that would cure the damages inflicted on you. But I’ll tell you this, they’re no […]
August, 5th will be my 28th birthday. My previous deadline was my 30th birthday, but I just can’t wait that long. Now I’m struggling to wait even my 28th.
I can’t find a reason to go on. I don’t care anymore about my future or work or studying or hobbies. I thought that I could at least be useful to people with the same kind of problems, and that if I can’t help myself, helping them could be my purpose in life. But who the hell I’m going to help, I can’t get close to anyone.
I feel so hopelessly alone. I don’t have real […]
i have been betrayed by my so called friends am mad at the world and lost all hope for trust and this is developed into despair and depression. Everyday is painful I am reminded of how much this hurts every time I wake up in the morning and I ask myself how come am not dead yet. when i contemplate suicide something happens and i end up postponing it. For example, I might get a random call or visit from a friend and I have to “act” like am ok but this kinda makes me post pone it till later when I am trying to […]
Hate, depression, constant crying, constant suicidal thoughts, constant self-harm. Who am I? I wish I could remember but the image of who I used to be gets fuzzier, and fuzzier. Had I known I would feel such loneliness in the future, I would have ended my life on that faithful April 27, 2006. I’m surrounded by many who claim to love me, yet in my mind I’m trying to deal with the fact that I’ve been abandoned by everyone. Maybe I have and everyone is just pretending to be nice, all I ever meet are extremely nice people, and I can’t help but love them. I […]
I silently slip out of bed and turn on the light, I creep over to the bench and grab my lighter and pack of cigarettes and shove them into my pocket. I walk over to my bedroom window and slide it open, the cold mist outside creeps It’s way inside sending a chill down my back. I look up into the night sky and wonder what time it is. I open the door of my room and close it quietly hoping my mum dosn’t wake up. IÂ walk down the creaking old stairs. Downstairs I go into the dining room and look up at the […]
I’m one from a very good life. I’m 20, been in a good relationship for going on 5 years. I have friends who love me and a family that’s never split up and always been tight-knit. So, what’s wrong? Why do I just want out? I’ll go long periods of time where I feel okay. (No, not great and not bad. Simply okay. Like I know I exist and I’m fine with that) yet when I break, its hard. I’ll have the worst mood swings, going from absolutely rude and waspish to bawling my eyes out and feeling alone. Incredibly alone. The past few days […]
Laying in the pure darkness
Paralyzed with pain
Screaming yet unable to breath
No one waits for you
No one wants for you
Enduring the days
With measured tolerance
Blocking out the pain
But the night comes
And there is no end in sight
Watching others’ joy in one another
No one thinks of you
No one cares for you
The bitter loneliness
Cuts deeper than any machete you inflict upon yourself
Not understanding how you are worth so little
The ones you love
Don’t even see you
When you hand them your heart on a silver platter
Not caring, they crush it underfoot
No one stops for you
No one knows […]
Suicide has been very much on my mind for a long time. For as long as I remember, the thought of putting an end to my life would come up whenever I experienced pain, confusion, unhappiness. Pouf! Jump off the window and put an end to all that! That urge to jump into the air remains with me. I do consider other ways of killing myself from time to time, sleeping pills, hanging…hanging particularly appeals to me despite the gruesome sight of someone hanging from a rope. I don’t think I will act on those feelings. I have a child for whom I am responsible. […]
You think you’re the loneliest person out there?
Think again,
High school has been the loneliest, hardest time.
I’m not going to go into detail but I’ve always been fairly lonely due to my social issues (self diagnosed, selective mutism)or whatever you want to call it. (I heard my mom talk to someone saying how I was assessed for the possibility of selective mutism, but it came out as negative apparently…
It had to have definitely been overlooked, as I usually didn’t talk unless spoken to, mostly in school and in unfamiliar territory.
People had to come up to me first, initiating friendship. I really don’t know what is the […]
this ache is stealing my face
stealing my name
This break in cognitive function
is leaving me lame
broken and mangled
twisted devices
going through the motion
life can only be perpetuated through vices
because the light is too bright
and the truth is too truthful
drink me down from this ledge tonight
loneliness is a prison with no bars to hold me in
the people all around meÂ
are merely bricks to my invisible prison
and they by their existence profess
my inadequecies
I am alive
but only by technicality
I’ve been writing too many of these lately…
A long and winding road
A winter lonely and cold
I near the end of this fateful trip
The solitude sucks me down
To depths below the underground
No hope of any rescuing ship
A ray of dawn breaks the dark horizon
Illuminating the shattered dreams
Through the purest light I can envision
A place devoid of broken memories
Shrouded in the sheltering darkness
Forgetting and becoming lifeless
Simply let go
Don’t mourn what you know
I leave on the wings of night
I leave you to fight
Never forget-
The sun must set
Take all my love
Carry it with […]
Well geez…. i dont even know where to start. My parents fought since i was little. My sister would cover my ears so i wouldnt hear it. We moved to ohio in the 4th grade from Sacramento and i attended a private school. I was made fun of for being hyper as well as colorblind, being asked if i was retarded or gothic because i like black so i quickly learned to shut the fuck up and keep out of the spotlight. I transferred to public school in 7th grade and it was better but still not good but I guess all the suicide nonsense […]
Maybe in heaven, there will be understanding.
Understanding of the motives of each and everyone.
Understanding why they feel the way they feel.
Maybe it will be more than understanding, maybe you will get a first person glimpse of what it is like to be someone else.
Connecting of each other to form a peaceful, heavenly bond.
Madness, disappointment, RAGE, hatred, disgust, FEAR, sadness, grief, humiliation, shyness, cowardliness, regret, sorrow, loneliness, Physical pain, emotional pain, stress, turmoil, suffering, HOPELESSNESS, nonsense, will be overcame.
Maybe in heaven, things will all make sense. It will all PUZZLE together.
Why there is pain.
Pain adds character. Pain breeds experience, wisdom, knowledge, meaning, bravery and resilience.
Pain makes […]
From the book “Bowling Alone” (http://bowlingalone.com/):
Apparently this book also suggests what can be done so if anyone has read or reads it I’d appreciate hearing about it……
Meanwhile, the author’s research shows trends of increased isolation in America. Â Also:
Joining and participating in one group cuts in half your odds of dying next year.
Every ten minutes of commuting reduces all forms of social capital by 10%
Watching commercial entertainment TVÂ is the only leisure activity where doing more of it is associated with lower social capital.
Declining Social Capital:Â
Trends over the last 25 years
Attending Club Meetings
58% drop
Family dinners
43% drop
Having friends over
35% drop
I sit here and I see all these people living around me. I see their happiness. I see them fill one another up. And I can’t seem to fill anyone or be filled myself. I am a black hole. And there are sometimes where I can barely form coherent thoughts through the pain. Not just loneliness, but pure pain. And no matter what I do, it never gets any better. It’s times like these when I understand why I have to die. Dying will be merciful, a release from everything I cannot be.