I don’t know anymore.

By: yours truly (a sick in the head teenager)
TW ig idk how to do this lol um sh suicidal thought and questioning everything and also SA

Why? A question I find myself asking quite often. What is the point in anything if its all nothing. In 150 years, everyone who is alive at this moment, will be dead. Including yours truly. Though it is up to us how we spend those years. A sad realization my 13 year old self has come to is, in lets say 500 years, no one will know of my existence and probably yours as well. Unless of course you and I become famous to an extreme extent, or one of us becomes a notorious serial killer(that’s one way of getting your name out there lol). I don’t know why I have taken this sudden dislike of people. I cry a lot, I wish I was dead, I don’t think that makes me suicidal, right? I don’t want to do it myself per say, more like casually have an anvil swing down and crush most if not all bones in my body. I should go get my meds right now.

Wow already one paragraph down only a couple more to go. I have struggled like this since sixth grade. I was extremely bad for a few months and tried to hurt myself to make it all stop. No one noticed. Even when I wore a long sleeved shirt under my jersey in 80 degree weather, no one gave a second glance in my direction. Even when I had to wear my jersey without it , as a cry for help.It did not work. Then fast forward a year, i was at Tori’s house, and had a seizure. Then I went to the doctor, they saw the cuts that were fresh from a few days prior. I was sexually assaulted by my father when I was 7 to about 9. He would come into my room and claim he was giving me a leg massage. Didn’t know my lower private parts were considered my legs. Still have not told many people. To scared to be blamed and carry the weight of being the reason my family was ripped apart. It still makes me sick thinking about it all. Its haunted me alot. I dont know what to do about it, he just makes me so uncomfortable to think he was around my brother too. WHAT IF I’M LETTING A MONSTER GET AWATY WOTH ITY. anyways, next topic death.

The idea of death had always comforted me. The thought in the back of my head saying “dont worry ash none of this will matter one day when we are all inevitably dead. I hate more things then I like. I hate school,my mom, allison, mars, mrsdowner, mrs kurto, mr moulasion, mr grady, my father,my perfect cousin who is just so fucking good at College well i can bearly do 9th grade math. Now the things i love or maybe more like; haley, the best person to ever exist, i would have killed myself by now if I had not met her. She makes me feel safe and loved and not like im some freak monster in the wrong body. Next on the list is books. Reading also makes me feel safe and loved and similar to death like nothing matters because im in their world not mine. Kenneth my brother, hes annoying but I still love him, lastly music, probably the only thing keeping me san, thats all for now on tat topic.

Being bi and trans sucks, makes me want to kill myslef. I wish I was dead, ive decided to post this somewhere sooo hello wherever i post this. Anyways I am bi and quite honestly i dont get the big deal like fuck off you ***** i didnt ask if its a sin i just hate people some times. Also i am a trans male sooo cool ig I WISH MY SCHOOL HAD HUMAN DECENCY AND DIDNT CONSTANTLY USE MY FUCKING DEADNAME, lol. Sorry for this. I have a therapist, don’t rust her though. She gonna go off to my mom and then im gonna end up back at the hospital, WHERE SOME LADY ISNT GONNA TRUST ME TO TAKE A PISS BY MYSELF SO SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND WATCHES, WTF AM I GONNA DO DROWN MYSELF IN THE TOLIET WATER FUCK OFF. anyways have lovely rest fo your weekend.