I felt better for a while and then it rushes back. Like a long lost lover with a toxic relationship. A battered person unable to leave the relationship with the abusive partner. I struggle to breath tonight as suicides embrace becomes stronger. I want to let go, give myself over to these strong clutches. I am exhausted living in denial. Seeing through the fog unknown memories. Struggling with childhoods demons.
I want to share my story here in brief. I have everything in my life parents, good job , had higher studies but I am a very sensitive girl. I always wanted to have a true lover who can caRe for me more than anything, who can do anything to make me happy simply who can love me deeply. I have boyfriend but I don’t think he loves me that much. He thinks about himself . We had fights n I have tried attempts after that. I hurt myself physically but he is still same. He can’t wipe my tears off. I want to kill […]
Around four years ago I’d just encountered my first heartbreak. It was awful. She was my German girl and I was her American boy.. But, it wasn’t meant to last, I’m afraid, as she cheated on me. Tough break, kid lol. Anyway, I was a complete and total mess. Food held no taste. Drink held no joy. I basically just smoked cigarettes and played guitar 24/7. I’d eat just enough to get by, but only because I was constantly hounded about no eating.. Christ, I wrote some terrible songs lol. They were horrible. Lol I didn’t know that then, however. But anyway, this went on […]
I’m not sure why I’m feeling the way I am. When I made my decision and came up with the plan, I felt relieved. When I took the first step and bought a burial plot in the small cemetery where my father is buried, I felt I had accomplished something concrete. I already have rough drafts of my letters written, and decisions made on where and how. I’m just waiting for one more (unwanted) event to occur, after which no one will need me anymore. Yesterday I went out and ordered my headstone, which looks just like my dad’s, except that I wanted to put […]
In regards to suicide I will say this. Though life can provide us with the indulgence of our favorite things, with friends and lovers, with the company of people who make our hearts soar, life can also provide us with troubles, thoughts of failure and doubts of our own virtues. My heart is impaled with sadness and sometimes I go through life a ghostly figure nothing to look forward to except the warm embrace of sleep. When a person’s life is infected with the disease of depression and some days are a struggle to live and most nights a struggle to sleep, it is suffering. […]
Back in the days made imaginary, loving you was ordinary.
Grown now I miss how you held me me down.
Word of your eternal kiss had filled me with pure bliss, who was I to dismiss you in my future?
A rare guarantee made by life, I had pretended to be your wife, isn’t that suppose to be forever?
I found a new lover we took the vow to be bound, however the day without sound will come and you’ll tear it all apart.
To you, a promise made with the heart is a waste, based from the idea of time.
No matter how I love, you’ll remind, ” AshCoveredAngel you’re […]
So recently I met someone. were officially dating and well its nice. He calms me and keeps me grounded, but i still feel like I’m going to drown, part of me feels as if i have to go, as if even if things get better, my mind and soul has chosen, and that my year is almost up. I haven’t shared with him my plans to go, i doubt i ever will. I hate how everyone thinks that he has managed to fix me already, i seriously don’t see how you can fix me. You cant fix monsters.
anyway, here’s a short story since i haven’t […]
I saw all of this news about ISIS beheadings and Ukraine in despair, and to be honest, I don’t really care about it anymore. I almost wish that ISIS would take over and America would get involved in a nuclear war with Russia, because that would increase my chance of dying. Why fucking bother with humans? We’re never satisfied with what we have. I am no exception. Life feels so unfortunate, like a losing game. Whichever path chosen leads to death and disappointment. Fall in love only to fall out of it or want to cheat because one lover is not enough. Of course, that […]
Entry 3
Beer beer I’m drinking beer. I’m gonna get drunk and overcome my fear.
I couldn’t afford it but that’s okay I don’t need money where I’m going anyway. Only a gold coin to pay the man so he can ferry me far away from this land.
All the bad memories and actions past, I’ll make them end very fast. The daily stresses and endless fights will surely be over after tonight. I’m done and spent I’ll tell you that. I don’t have to worry this beer will make me fat.
Goodbye mum goodbye dad I’m so sorry that I was so bad. Goodbye lover who was only […]
My dear,
Find what you love and let it kill you.
Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness.
Let it kill you and let it devour your remains.
For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.
Oh dear, my sweet one, loved you so much once and will forever…but never shall we meet again.
You seemed so full of sweetness at the start
But like a big red rose that’s made of paper
There isn’t any sweetness in your heart
Paper Roses
Paper Roses
I have been in hell for a few months and stumble here by chance. I’ve been looking suicide and stuff and came across this little paradise people just like me….in hell every waking hour and desperate for a bit of peace. I downloaded the peaceful pill book yesterday and was horrified and both amazed at its simplicity of it all. I’m in my mid forties, have two growing kids, a failing marriage, and a lover which I adore and have been seeing for a year and a bit for it seems he’s getting tired of me and I’m getting tired of so much unhappiness. I’ve […]
I stand looking at myself in the mirror and what do I see….?
One bloody mess.
I hate everything I see….
I seem…. so unreal to me
….I’m in utterly disbelief….
Hands bloody…arms bloody… face bloody….
the blade is my best friend and my lover.
We go together like ice and vodka..
I feel I’m in hell… I’m tormented in this shell..
I slice open, watching my flesh strip away…
While my mind goes into a relaxing place….. I feel good now… well almost… let me go a little deeper… almost there!…just a little deeper…now I’ve climax into one unemotional mess… now I hate myself…For […]
What would you do to change your life?
What would you sacrifice?
A brother, a lover, a friend, or a mother?
What would you give to save your life?
What would you change to save your life?
What would you say at the end of time?
Another, no other, to cover or reveal?
This was to change my life.
I’m looking out on the sea
The sea of destiny
And wherever the wind takes me
I’ll be dancing free
So now I’m done
My life goes on
Will it be the same?
Will I miss you?
And is this true?
Can my life change?
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