As I’ve told you in my previous posts, I’m a nihilist.Meaning I don’t think there’s good or evil, morality, value, ethics and right and wrong, I think that all of this is subjective, and therefore cannot change any objective aspect, I don’t believe that anything like that is real, necessary or effective.Also, I think that the universe is indifferent towards our existence, our lives are but an ephemeral meaningless exercise of futility.Then I try to act indifferently.I TRY, but I can’t get rid of most of my emotions.Today was a living hell, this day couldn’t get worse.Everything simply went wrong, I […]
Tag:
man
I’m so alone. i never want to be around anybody. i literally want to shoot myself in the face right now, because Im already fucked up and i might as well end it all. i dont want to be alive and literally no one loves me. and i dont love myself. or anyone else except my dad. but seriously, ready to end it all man.
Doomed from birth.  Where is the justice in life?
And it’s not about karma there is no karma. I know so because I am one of life’s “freaks”. If I had a past life, I had the same essence, the same personality I have now. Otherwise I’d be a totally different person. I am an innocent creature. Never was a bully. Never was even clever or strong enough to figure out how to bully the bullies. But god made me a freak anyway.
Maybe god prefers the freaks.
http://www.thehumanmarvels.com/
I don’t believe in heaven but if I did- these people deserve to be there more than anybody. And if I were […]
What’s the point of being kind to everybody when the only thing you get is being mistreated? i don’t know if i’m the only human who feels this way but i’m always trying to fit in and make everybody likes me, but everything i get is bullshit.
Today was one of those hard days when you feel alone, no matter how much people you have around you, it may sounds like a big cliche but it is how i feel.
I lost the significance of the word “friends” a couple of years ago, i don’t know what they’re anymore, perhaps they’re there asking you whats going wrong […]
The hardest thing is being so tired all the time. They all say to get outside, that experiences are the rungs with which to climb out of these dark times. My armor is too heavy to lift, the joints too rusted to bend, it splinters off, catching under the fingernails of the people around me- invisible and uncomfortable. When I was 9 my father died. When I was 11 my mother’s boyfriend was verbally and physically abusive. When I was 17, the “good man” my mother left the abusive one for cheated and divorced her. By 20 I was the subject of abuse in the […]
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
A recommended movie to Pass the depressing time. A coming of age movie, exploring a young man’s emotional struggle with depression, anxiety and facing suppressed memories of his childhood trauma.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1659337/
excerpt of the movie https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dV0tzF7YpAc
I’m sitting here listening to my mother and grandparents babble about all the bad news going on in the world.
I already woke up with an anxiety attack which is now turning into anger, and I have to have a clear mind so I drive to the store later and then to the crazy doctor. Really I just want to throw my cup of coffee against the room and punch a few holes in the wall and tell everyone in the kitchen to shut the hell up.
Just fuck man. Am I crazy?
Starring at my food but I can not eat it,
Laying in my bed but I am not sleeping,
Crying in my room and I keep it top secret,
Because people tell me they care but they do not mean it.
I’m cut open, even thought I am not bleeding.
My heart’s broken, so Imma make it stop beating.
Someone runs in the room and screams,
“He’s not breathing!”
I’m rushed to the hospital to have a Doc treat it,
But he cannot beat it, there`s no time at all,
Cause I just popped some pills with some Tylenol,
And 3 bottles of antidepressants, and Zam […]
So for a while now I’ve noticed that I have an “unpleasant” energy. Some people would assume I’m weird or awkward, I feel like I repel people from me. When I was younger I use to believe it was people being intimidated by me.
I’ve been told that I’m an open book. No matter how hard I try to suppress these emotions and try to fake it I show no progress. I work in solitude, where I see people on a daily basis. A seedy looking man walked in and reeked of cologne. He had his top button loose and a greasy looking Elvis curl. I […]
Yes, you’re the person I hate most of all the people in this world. I hate you because you ruined my life where you had the chance to make me the happiest man alive. I hate you because you make me cry every day instead of drying my tears. I hate you because you make me remember all the bad moments and decisions in my life instead of helping me to forget and start anew. I hate you because you hurt the ones I love most instead of making them smile. I hate you because you only think of yourself instead of others. I hate […]
Like you’re second best to a video game character? Like you were never good enough for that woman (or man) you loved? You’re always third-wheeled, unintentionally as well as with intentions? Yeah, welcome to my love life.
Yup, knocked out another one. Apparently my accent plus cider is indecipherable to some so I’ve posted the poem beneath the audio.
Bonus points go to anyone who can find the 3 Doctor Who hommages.
There Once Lived a Man
There once lived a man,
He was strong, he had grace, he was battle-worn,
He should have done something of monumental significance,
Something to be remembered.
Prevented, though, not out of spite or maleficence, but by love.
The could’ve-been-king with his army of meanwhiles and never-weres,
Would’ve been so much but his will was never his own, it was hers.
She stole from him his drive, his motivation, […]
Death is a thought that every once in a while draws me closer and closer. The loneliness on nights where sleep can’t come any faster and I hear that monster talking me into death. No one will miss this pathetic little man. No one loves me, no one acknowledges me, I tend to be ignored by most. I guess I should take my life but what stops me is that life is not mine to take even my own. And so I guess I will suffer until the day comes maybe I deserve pain, some of us do. If I fail maybe tomorrow I may […]
It’s been 18 years.
I’m 18 year old female, a senior in highschool. I’m good looking, creative, intelligent and easy to get along with. But within me lies an everlasting, deep internal conflict, loneliness, and a very broken heart. I have no family, no friends and I just recently lost my lover. I have been framed and spent a year on probation for it, my parents have taken me to court several times (they’re so insensitive they treat family matters like business), I’ve never had somebody I could call up and talk to. I’ve had friends several times before. But all of them, usually in […]
I’ve been through so much only to reach this point again.
Got through my mother hating me my whole life, I get she has problems but not letting your 11 year old participate in family anythings, I mean what the hell. And then I was still expected to function like a normal child while my savior, my dad was sneaking me food. I’m past that now, she did horrid things to me but I’ve forgiven her.
Wow, forgot to mention the fact that my parents were (father occasionally) raging alcoholics put on earth by satan himself, thanks man.
Got through my dad beating me later […]
I’m tired of looking for a partner. in a few hours, I’m going to rent a room at the local motel and do the partial suspension hanging method with one of my scarves. ive already semi- attempted it here in my house. i was on my knees and kneeling forward with the scarf tied around the door knob and on my neck right below my jaw. I felt my oxygen being cut off and I felt light headed after about 5 seconds and I took it off. I can’t kill myself in my house, I live with my mom and sister and I don’t want to traumatize them anymore then […]
Everyone seems to lie, because the truth’s too painful. My mother and father l, by trying to work out a marriage that was doomed from the beginning. My sister pretends she isn’t hungry. My mother lies about the man she loves, the man that’s not my father. So where do I stand? Do I lie and pretend I’m happy? Do I admit that I’m not happy and I need professional help, although I’m pretty sure I’m beyond that? Do I keep on saying I’m just tired, that I’m stressed? I’ve been doing this for too long, we all have. Do I lie again, to myself, […]
i havent posted in about three years and its absolutely crazy how much has changed. i was a deeply depressed little girl but now im a mildy depressed teenager! great. Â Its weird how i can be the happiest ball of fucking light and next wanting to jump in front of a 16 wheeler. I have no friends that i have actual connections with. but hey not complaining cause i love being with myself. and another odd thing about myself which i still cant figure out is the fact that im vain as hell but loathe myself at the same damn time? I think im the […]
Any depressed girls here in the city who want to just talk? Â Im not trying to hook up but I have unsuccessfully on dating sites. Â Just being honest. Â Ive attempted suicide several times. Â I even shot up motor oil once. Â My latest plan is to…. Â well I dont want to give it away. Â Everything thinG I do turns to shit. Â Btw …. guys… Â quit hitting on me. Â (Males) Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â […]
Old man walks through a cemetery
We see the stone, he falls to his knees
Fingers claw the grass as tears fall
The picture of despair, he holds his head
I look at him
The dead man would always hurt him
Why then, so much grief?
I would not respect a monster so much
I always think of the two men, living and dead
The living man would always hurt me
He took my childhood, my desire for life
But I think of what he did for his tormentor
And I wonder,
When he’s dead
Will I do the same?