I’ve been through so much only to reach this point again.
Got through my mother hating me my whole life, I get she has problems but not letting your 11 year old participate in family anythings, I mean what the hell. And then I was still expected to function like a normal child while my savior, my dad was sneaking me food. I’m past that now, she did horrid things to me but I’ve forgiven her.
Wow, forgot to mention the fact that my parents were (father occasionally) raging alcoholics put on earth by satan himself, thanks man.
Got through my dad beating me later on in my years, 15. What a fun time to be alive that was. Dated some guy who had 10 years on me. He didn’t like that I was with him so he beat me, all of the sense that still makes to me.
Was with a 20 year old when I was 15, I can’t even describe all the pain that I went through with that.. He tore me apart, took about 50% of my willpower to keep going on. It’s been some months since I’ve heard from him now.. can’t get someone out of your head when they pop up throughout time to remind you that you’re nothing to them. Just some little virgin who loved him.
Anyways, main reason for this thing (I’m just fed up with life) was that I got to wrestle a gun out of my dad’s hands.. He doesn’t want to live, he lost his wife and 2nd child due to what he’s done.. (Divorced) she gets some crazy amount of money from him and he just feels like has nothing. So here I am, back with the man who fucked up my faith in humanity and he’s telling me I don’t care. I do, I do so much. I feel like if I kill myself maybe there can be progress with my broken family. If I die maybe he wouldn’t hate so much as he does now.. I tend to doubt it. But if there’s even a chance..
I think I’ll be doing it after I see my ex, just some vacuous 21 we shall call Damien on here. I just want to hold him and I’ll have all I need. I can just do it finally.
No matter where I’ve gone I can’t be happy, so it won’t be too much of a drag. I just hope it doesn’t hurt too bad…
I’m 18 in 4 days, getting ready for college and driving just seems like more stress anyways. I’ve had enough of it. I hope it works out the way I would like it to.
I love sleep, seems like eternal sleep to me..
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4 comments
Forgive my armchair pseudo-analysis here, but the title of your post suggests that what you want is to find a way to be happy, not to find a way to never be able to experience happiness. How can you know if this next chapter of your life, college, won’t afford you that opportunity?
Are you going to a local college or one that will provide you some distance?
And I disagree with your simile of death to sleep. Sleep, and the benefits thereof, are something that we experience. One won’t experience death. At least, that’s what I’m banking on.
we do experience death… as long as you’re referring to the cessation of the biological processes which result in awareness. It’s after that final moment, there are no further experiences, because what allows us to experience anything, has expired, and no longer functions to allow any experiencing.
In that way, it is kinda like sleep… except you don’t dream, and never awaken. You won’t know time is passing, or even that you’ve ceased to exist.
“biological processes which result in awarenes”
Note that currently no such process is known by biology or by any science of nature. Awareness is mostly a metaphysical term.
I wonder that if awareness in all it’s vagueness can once appear, then why couldn’t it reappear in some form? To what property of the world is it tied to?
things that aren’t biological, are not shown to be aware (and no, artificial intelligence doesn’t count… but even still, AI ceases as soon as the systems facilitating it, cease).
It is… indisputably obvious, that awareness comes from the biological systems which comprise our bodies.
Awareness is produced by our cells replicating and dividing, aka “growth,” according to our genetics. It is a product of a biological “machine.” The only reason we are aware, is because we are alive and close enough to correctly configured, that our systems produce that awareness. Without those systems, the awareness cannot persist. That is the whole point of why death is death, and why people fear it: once something dies, it no longer operates in any discernible way.
To then leap into the assumption that it somehow “carries on,” beyond the required systems which both produced and enabled it… is just utterly disconnected from anything shown by reality. Or, it could be accurately deemed “delusional” or even “schizophrenic.” (because schizophrenia is predominantly characterized by the inability to distinguish between reality and fantasy… in which state schizophrenics tend to act on their fantasies, which is why people call them “crazy,” and find them unpredictable and frightening; you never know what kind of profound bizarreness is happening in another person’s mind… and if they act on things they’ve imagined, you have no way of preparing to handle that, because you can’t see it coming, because it’s all in their head, and not in reality, where it can be observed by many persons, who can then confirm that it’s not just one person seeing it, so we can all then agree that any particular thing is “real”)