New favorite song

“I can’t picture myself as a grown man…
I don’t wanna grow up …
I hate change and everything’s just so …
Rearranged.”

This chunk of the song kinda ruins the rest, because it makes it seem like he’s insinuating that suicide is “childish.”

Credibility compromised; how many will notice this fallacy?

My suicidal thoughts have never had anything to do with “not wanting to grow up,” and i doubt anyone else is legitimately motivated toward choosing an exit, “because they don’t want to grow up.” Idk wtf he’s talking about. Maybe someone told him it was childish, and he was afraid of being labeled as such.

My other thought, upon reading this: “TIL suicide had gone mainstream…”

that may be…

but you know how people are… they’ll hear that line and be like “oh, suicide is so childish! let’s further stigmatize the depressed by prejudging them as childish, because the song is gospel truth!”

I had a kind of childhood and adolescence where i couldn’t wait to grow up and get away. I didn’t like the ways my family did things, or the reasoning behind much of it. Most of the memories from the first half of my life, are distorted by cringing and facepalms. There were some good parts, like my mom planting the seed of independent thought, at an early age… but so much of the other stuff was just arbitrarily absurd, excruciatingly ridiculous.

The idea of growing up, “seeing myself as a grown man,” never upset me at all. I wanted to grow up and be a man and have my own life. The former is debatable, but the latter never really happened. That’s the part that makes me want to die. “I’m half the man i used to be…” and i never got to truly live, i just spent most of my resources (time, energy, the self and otherwise) barely managing to subsist. And then shit happened and i broke down, and had to go live with my mom. And despite all the striving and struggles and progress i made, trying to “get back on my feet,” more shit happened at the absolute worst and most crucial juncture, and it just floored me, and ruined everything… and i’ve been sputtering and shuddering and just broken, ever since.

I think part of the problem is that kids seem to be taught, perhaps unintentionally, that they will “grow up and become someone else.” But that’s not necessarily true. Many of us are pretty much already who we’re going to be, just without the impacts of experiencing all the things we’ve never dealt with.

I’m pretty much the same “person” i was in high school, just with a lot more experience, and some resultant altered perspectives… aka “maturity.”

Some people tend to mistake my expressions of my current conditions as “immaturity,” but it’s merely the result of being unable to continue to “do what you gotta do.” Some people get messed up and can’t continue. That’s not immaturity, it’s a serious problem. Ignoring the serious problems and instead calling people “immature” due to being unable to continue in futility (whether temporarily or otherwise) is pretty immature… and even seems to be common, and exacerbates the problems, instead of solving them.

Which i suppose leads me back to a comment i made elsewhere, earlier: “aka avoid the ones with problems.”

People usually like easy more than they like interesting. I see it taken too far, and people being shunned for having relatively mild or easily correctable issues, just because someone they thought genuinely cared, prefers “easy” over “interesting.” Then again, i’m pretty biased in that regard, since i’ve been on the wrong side of that spectrum for most of my life. How can i blame someone for wanting anything to be easier, when so much has obviously been too hard for me? Even i prefer easy over interesting. But not so much that i’d just casually disregard someone who actually cared about me, just because they had some issues.

Sigh.

lol, yeah… i started thinking “i wonder if this is weirding anyone out…”

It’s okay, i enjoy the back and forth, but it’s not required and you’re not obligated. I figure at some point there won’t be another response, and it will be “that time” again, and i’ll either try to sleep or fire up a game for a while. I’ve been seriously considering a streaming “career.” Other people make it work, why not me? (the market may be saturated, that’s why not me!)

What you just semi-confirmed, is part of why i’ve been so… hmm… flabbergasted? Confounded? …by a certain person’s apparent drastic personality shift, at least in her behavior toward me. I just couldn’t make it make sense that someone could so suddenly and permanently just… “snap,” and be a seemingly completely different person. And it’s surely made me watch people like a hawk, and emphasize authenticity of intent. Which then has me considering that maybe i could get good at poker… lol.

Have you ever noticed people getting aggressive or defensive when they realize you’re “reading” them? Kinda bizarre.

STP was one of my staples back in the day. I like several of their songs. I’ve had echoes of soundgarden welling up from within me lately (esp. “fell on black days”). I tend to avoid music entirely these days though, because it all seems to just hit me too hard, right where it hurts the most. I try not to let me do that to myself.