I don’t wanna lose it again. The last weeks and months were better, but now I know I’m heading right towards the abyss and can’t seem to change the direction, no matter how much I would like to. I do stuff even though I know it’s detrimental. Like even at this moment I’m listening to music of which I know it triggers my depression. Maybe it has to do with the days getting shorter and the weather getting colder. Or maybe it’s the stress, but that’s usually worse when I have to write exams. Best I can do now is survive another 1 1/2 weeks […]
Tag:
maybe
I’m trying to organize things before I committ suicide. (I was thinking of saying, “do it” or “take the big sleep” or something, but there’s no point in talking around it- my plan is to commit suicide, plain and simple). This will probably be part 1, since I’m sure I’ll think of other things to do.
1. Most important and I know the hardest. Write my son a letter and tell him how very very proud I am of him. Honestly, I’m crying now just thinking about it. He’s 18 now, a man, and a fine one- so at least that’s one thing I did […]
Over a year ago i lost you…
I loved you more than anything and you left me. You killed yourself and you wrote on this site before you did it so now i am.
I cant take being without you anymore. Ive missed you for so long. I thought maybe with time itd get better but its been so long. I just want to be with you. I am so lonely without you. Your family still blames me. It makes me feel so horrible inside. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe i did something. Even though you said it wasnt anyones fault it was a pproblem with […]
Another day of, well, nothing. I can’t laugh, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want anything but to plan my final sleep. I don’t know if my coworkers notice- probably not, they don’t know me that well. I’m trying to decide whether to do it before Christmas, before New Year, or maybe in February. All these are good times, I guess.
Every day is just empty for me, all I look forward to is sleeping and forgetting for one night and then forever. I can forget how I always let everyone down, how I always disappointed everyone- story of my adult life. They […]
dear sp, just a warning. their is a troll on the loose. this one is really nasty. she was using the tag HAYTRED, but is now using GOD. do not bite her hooks. do not read her words, do not take her advice. she has nothing to offer. like all of us, i desire to find that peace, that one thing that will let us enjoy living. myth, maybe. her desire is death, destruction and misery. dont know about all of you, but ive had more than enough of that shit. so avoid her. good luck, peace to ya and keep trying.
I feel so glad to have found this site. I just want to say what I’ve felt for so long without the typical, “It’ll get better! You’ll be fine!”. I’ve attempted suicide 3 times. First time I chickened out of shooting myself, second time I drank 5 energy drinks and took sleep aids and that didn’t work. I’m just a freshman in college…I did this in high school. The third time almost worked I think. I suffocated myself with duct tape. Sounds stupid, right? I woke the next morning. My lungs were on fire and my sides hurt, but I woke up. For a while […]
Not sure how to go about this- I would say I’ll learn as I go along, but I don’t really plan on being “available” for all that long.
Every morning I wake up and ask myself “will today be the day I die?” Knowing that, having that feeling, is like having a winning lottery ticket in my pocket- I can pull it out at any time and stop the hurt and the worry and the stress. That’s probably the main thing that gets me through each day, knowing that if it gets too bad, it will be the final day. This has been going on […]
I forgot what it feels like to write. I decided to start writing almost everyday again starting now. I just wanna get all my feelings out. I havent been here in awhile. 2 months but it seems like something always brings me back. I like all of you. You know what i go through. No one else understands. Yes i should be thankful that i have people in my life when some don’t have any but even if they are here. Are they really here? My parents are oblivious and believes that mental illnesses are not real. My dad once told me that if i […]
Death.
You heard me. All I want from this life, all I’m asking, is to just fucking die. I don’t want no well-paid job, no expensive car(s), no bank accounts full of money… I just want to be exterminated from this world, and return to my place of origin, the place I was before being born, wherever that is…
The thing holding me back? My parents. They might not feel very close to me (well, at least one of them may not), but I love them more than anything, even though they walk on my fucking nerves sometimes and don’t give a fuck about how I feel…
My […]
I am getting closer and closer to the end now. I have already scouted the location. Its very high and easy to access. There are no fences or anything to prevent me from jumping, which is odd because i wouldn’t be the first one to commit suicide at that spot. At the bottom there is concrete. I will try to hit it head first. Should be the fastest way to go.
I have put my affairs into order as best i can. I have written a suicide note. I will probably do it this week. Maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow night. Seems almost inevitable now.
There are a […]
Music & Lyrics By: ?
We Know Full Well There’s Just Time
So Is It Wrong To Toss This Line?
If Your Heart Was Full Of Love
Could You Give It Up?
‘Cause what about, what about Angels?
They will come, they will go, make us special
Don’t give me up
Don’t give…
Me up
How unfair, it’s just our love
Found something real that’s out pf touch
but if you’d searched the whole wide world
would you dare to let it go?
‘Cause what about, what about Angels?
They will come, they will go, make us special
Don’t give me up
Don’t give…
Me up
‘Cause what about, what about angels?
They will come, they will go, make us special
It’s not […]
My disappointment has now boiled down to an unending hate towards everyone. I sincerely hate everyone around me, of course including me. People around seem to give me so much pseudo comfort that I’ve grown tired of it. So what if I am miserable?My brother’s friends’ girlfriend exclaimed to my brother ” Oh your poor sister!She must have been so depressed. Hasn’t passed that exam for these many years.” I don’t even know that ***** in person and she’s around giving butt hurt comments about me. This should pretty much sum up how judgmental are the people who exist in the […]
a happy thought as soon as you wake up could potentially change the whole day, wake up and believe it will be a good day. find something about yourself you love, yes this may be hard, but try. there has to be one thing, maybe its you’re strength or perseverance just anything think of something good something that makes waking up rewarding and the day will be so much brighter. it may sound dumb and it may be challenging at first but I promise it helps, just try it. trying never hurt anyone!
Idk what to say…I guess I’ll talk about what made me the way I am. I’ve been suicidal and a cutter since I being the youngest of ten kids I could never speak up about how I felt. Who’d listen? I was being molested by my big brother…the family secret. When I was ten I finally tried telling my mom what was happening, she promised to make it stop…it didn’t. Every night I’d be in bed and wake up and feel my brother’s hand going up my nightgown. I would kick him to make him go away….I didn’t dare scream for fear my parents would […]
Someone told me a few days ago that their birthday was April 20th and that got me thinking about Columbine again. Of course, thinking about Columbine got me started on death and suicide again, so I watched a bunch of videos with shootings ending in suicide, and looking up suicide obituaries. I secretly thought I was moving forward, but I guess I’m not. I tried to look up how to tie a bedsheet noose, but it’s a lot different than an actual noose, judging by the photos online. I wasn’t even feeling suicidal until I started trying to make it, and then it just hit […]
I see every single imperfection that comes along with me…hopeing that maybe one day I’ll find a way to fix it…but I know I’ll never be good enough….not for anyone else but myself….I’ll always find something else to pick on…
I’ve been fighting this for years. Trying to be happy in spite of it all. It’s always worse in the morning. Feelings I’m sure you know all too well.. Such an intense mixture of negative emotions, feeling hopeless and hurt. Every morning I wake up to suicidal urges. My family keeps me from it. I cry when I imagine the pain I’d leave behind. So I carry on. Not so much living, but existing. I try to live, but how can I? Happiness seems like a myth. And yet I continue to reach for it. But the most frightening thing is that I think, deep […]
And to think that I actually believed you.
You said you wanted me, just me. Now you’re changing, and you no longer want me anymore. Yeah. Leave me. From the beginning, I’ve never left you at all. If I do so it must be because you’re busy. Or I need time alone. You left me. You said I will leave, but now you’re the one leaving. Yeah go on. I like how you lie. Yeah. Go on. Pain is addictive. Hurt me more if you can. In this relationship I’ve never pretended before. I sincerely love you with all my heart. Hah. Who knows, […]
I sometimes feel as if I can not tell the difference between actual reality and the one in my mind. I think the worst of people and their intentions. I want to trust. Especially when people are seeming to earn it and be found deserving of my trust. However I can not shake the feeling that it is all just an elaborate act. I don’t like people. I used to. Not so much anymore. Maybe that’s just because of the people in my life that love me, spend their time and energy on me and have no idea who I really am and how dark […]
Why is it that everytime I turn around someone’s telling me that I put myself in this place? I dug myself this hole and I’m keeping myself 10feet under.. If I could for one day feel “normal” (whatever society considers that) then I would be in a heart beat but I don’t ask to see think and feel the things I do. I don’t ask for the flashbacks or nightmares and I don’t ask for the emptiness.. But whatever maybe it’s something I deserve maybe and fuck being “normal”