I’ve decided to live so what do I do next? I got the closest to succeeding that I ever have. And maybe if he hadn’t knocked on the door I would have fixed my initial error and went. It scared me though and I feel ashamed of myself as I always do. I can’t leave my kids like that.
Since I have decided that suicide is not an option I feel even more trapped than I did. These cycles are killing me. It’s like being rolled downhill in a tractor tire.
If […]
been a while since i been here. hope everyone is doing ok, or at least staying alive. I hate having suicidal thoughts…but here they are tonight, first time in a while. im quite lonley, and i need a better job, or my gf might leave me. I already only have one friend. crap, im scared of being homeless,in jail, or dead. maybe as a 29 year old black male without a good job (although very educated) i have just seen all the good i will ever see in life? maybe…i should just take the easy way out. i hope this mood passes quickly.
The feeling when youre holding a razor in your hand, tears pouring down your face and youre just staring at it… so close to relief, so close to that feeling you used to rely on. My arms are starting to tingle again burn and ache wanting to feel the slice of the blade and see the blood first pool then trickle down my arm. but he texted me… as if he felt the need to contact me. maybe it was a coincidence. maybe ill still cut tonight. god i really wantto cut but if he were here with me i would settle for his sweet […]
So I ended up here because I thought I might meet people who think and feel like me.
Every single post makes me feel as if it was mine. But the thing is that here or in real life I’m not able to confront my fears of being rejected and meet new people.
So I thought maybe if I stated my centers of interests I might meet someone who share them.
1. I’m a BIG HUGE fan of Ken Follett.
2. I’m a pianist and I love music above everything else (not only classical but also rock and alternative, my favourite band being Coldplay)
3. I love reading and building […]
It doesn’t seem like such a bad thing now. I thought it was. It is not. Suicide is still an option. Not a crazy one. So many other people feel the same way. I don’t feel like it is a bad thing any more. I felt ashamed for it. I probably won’t go screaming it from the roof tops, but it is not abnormal, exactly. Why are so many opposed? The same people that think about it themselves? I have heard that it is selfish. Maybe they just haven’t felt what I feel, what I’ve felt before.
I want to take my life but I am too scared to do it. I’m not scared of what happens after. That part seems more of a comfort than anything else. I am more afraid of the act, of the pain in whatever method I chose or the consequence of failure of the attempt. I’m afraid of ending up a vegetable or worse that the people closest to me actually see me and I have to look them in the eye to answer their questions.
I wish there were clinincs that we could go to. You just walk in, fill out some forms, pass an evaluation […]
Life at home is Sad. My mom is losing it and all I can do is watch. She’s always had health problems but I didn’t notice the mental ones till I got older. Very forgetful, indecisive, and prone to fits of mental break downs. She has a good heart. But she doesn’t have the strength or funds to raise my baby bro. I’m afraid of his future.
I made the choice to join the Corps to better my life, maybe “die for my country” while I’m at it. I made it through training and felt on top of the world. I thought the way my mom […]
Coming up on that date, August 30th, that night last year when I should have (and maybe actually did) die.
I still go back there often not to remember that night but for other reasons unrelated.
So what has happened in a year? I believe I am here for a reason. I found out some people care, some don’t. Overall, I could still be happy leaving this world,, although I have found someone to love, and someone I know loves me, which makes things different in a […]
I refuse to let whoever the fuck is running things up there, the satisfactions of watching me, suffer, wither and die an early death by suicide. I refuse to give up, even though I have all the odds against me, even though I can’t love myself, cause there’s always regression to the mean; Things can’t always be good, but they can’t always be bad either, it has to mean out. I refuse to let my future loved ones down, by swallowing the pills in my hand. I refuse to give up on myself; i refuse to die unhappy, alone and young. I’ll fight […]
Part of me still hopes for a safe resolution, maybe find someone that is not a religious crack head to try to repair me? Is just false hope, I know that. I’ve known that for some time. I wonder why I kept holding on to this noise. I knew that everyone was going to walk away, to move on.
Everyone moves on, in the end we are nothing but memories that linger in time and eventually fade into nothing. Unless you find one of those people that can never forget. If such a thing even exists.
I’ve been researching more locations in the area that […]
Caring isn’t an option for me, as much as I hate to say it. I can’t just look at someone and ignore their pain. Yes, I may be blind to it at first but as it becomes apparent to me, I feel it as my own. And that’s the one thing I truly hate myself for. Because I’m incapable to hold a grudge or to sabotage someone because of something they did to me. Forgiveness comes easy- almost too easy at times.
I wish I could distance myself from people like people have done to me. Honestly, it would be so much easier and my […]
The past few months have been really hard, with the experiences of my past and the relationships I have with my family now, I feel like I can’t go on with all of this rubbish.
I see a therapist to help me try to get back on track with my life and I take anti-depressants, but I feel like my reactions and emotions with what has happened is permanently seared into my heart and soul. Whenever I wake up and I get that painful stab in my chest, you the feeling of your heart literally breaking. I cry almost everyday, longest I have gone without crying […]
I have suffered from depression for decades along with addictions etc. In the early 90’s, at my last re-hab
without any warning I began to write poetry. It just came to me. It seemed effortless. Fast forward to Robin Williams suicide, the medias response, such as what did he have to be depressed about? That is such a selfish act, prompted me to jump into the fray. I KNOW what the feeling is like that killing yourself is the only way to stop the unbearable pain. So I posted one of my poems on Facebook. Last night I spoke with my sister, who told me […]
everyday I plan a new escape route. This window, or that rope? This blade, or the bathtub, maybe? It scares the living shit out of me but it’s the only thing I’m 100% certain about. Death is the only thing that I feel is real. Death is the only thing I can relate too. Death is the only thing I see in my future. It’s the one thing I know I can do, it’s the one thing I know I won’t fuck up. People tell me every day that I’m selfish for wanting to end my life. but it’s pretty fucking selfish to force somebody […]
I can’t wait for the apocalypse. Maybe it will be Ebola, or Russia vs. The West or North Korea will finally build its first working ICBM. Maybe all of these will happen at the same time.
Then all I need is enough sertraline to make sure I still feel nothing while I sit back and watch the world burn.
I will kill myself in december when I wont get admission in my favourite college to pursue my passion. I have some months in hand. I will ..be so sad then I might fall back again into depression. I mean right now things are okay so u see im alive still after two attempts. But then people will have a reason to see why I died. If I died now people will call me a fool. Im useless I wont pass the examination so there comes no question of admission. Waiting for that precious day.. when I will rent a hotel and there I will […]
I know what you are thinking, you are depresed cause you broke up.
Well yes i am, i started dating my couple on 13/4/2013, as you can guess for me it was quite hard to get a couple i had to decide if i needed a guy or a girl (that was actually realy realy hard to me cause in the inside i want to be loved and protected and cared, but in the outside im still male so i have to wear that mascarade of strongness and self security, so yeah for me it was a riddle, and still, anyway…) i met many people in […]
I’m so fucking done with this household and this “family”. I’m tired of being taken advantage of, of being the only one that works, the only one that keeps the fucking lights on, the only one that carries the fucking world on their shoulders and is still expected to do everything. I haven’t even gotten the chance to sleep today, fuck I’ve only gotten four hours to carry me the last 24 hours! But no, they still need me to do more and run all their god damn errands and run their welfare asses around like I’m their god damn taxi driver. They can all […]
I am neither a black or white sheep, in terms of how extreme a person I am.
White sheep are the normal people, who have their daily struggles but usually they come out on top. Some of them have a good life, some of them bad – but most have a life that they feel is fulfilling and meaningful – spouse, house, career, car, kids – it’s all been done before but doing it yourself feels so different. You make your own life and you are relatively content, maybe even happy. Maybe a few bad thoughts now and then, when it gets to the lowest point […]
I realise things will never get better for me. I’m a an ugly retard with no personality or talent and I have chronic mental health problems (borderline personality disorder, social anxiety). This life is futile, I’m a moron and there is no point to my existence. But how can I end it when there are people who love me and vice-versa? My aunt adopted me after my mum died and she spent years, $1000s, and energy treating me as her own despite my differences and what I put her through. I think it would tear her apart. But what’s the alternative? If I stay here […]