I am a construction worker..
But I am also an artist.
Everyday some one comes up to me at work and reminds me of this. My work is complex and truly beautiful to the untrained eye.. Kinda like my life!
But everyday I work alone.. And I am reminded of that too.
I’m always being asked.. “Are you alone?” “don’t you have any help?”
“Do you always work alone?”
My response is always the same..
This is my life, it’s what I do…
It’s all I know!
Everyday reads of poetry.. In my words and in my actions. In the way I hold my self […]
Tag:
my life
Now, I’m gonna be completely honest here.. Please don’t think I’m weird but..
I was sitting over there a moment ago, and I glanced over here..and when I did..
My life flashed before my eyes..
And when it did, I saw every morning
With you by my side..
I changed my mind.
Everything disgusts me. I try to be like everybody else but I’m not. I constantly feel disconnected and lonely and sad, if I hear about abuse in third OR first world countries I feel sick inside out. Racism, Homophobia, inequality of wealth, torture, rape, misogyny, death, illness, makes me shudder inside out. The fact we are brought into a boring world where nothing is fun and we get old and deteriorate, and bullied for always being ugly and never good enough DESTROYS me.
I never got over that I was raped and sexually assaulted more than once by different people, or this abortion I had where […]
Nobody knows what, if anything at all, happens in this hypothetical afterlife. However, knowing what I know about the current world or realm I am in, and where things are going here, and knowing that the better part of my life is already behind me, I am looking at it much like this; if there is an afterlife, maybe I can become a ghost and live forever in a younger and happier state, maybe not. Even if there isn’t anything beyond this, well, zero is greater than negative numbers. In essence, no life at all is better than a life of pain and suffering. At […]
It’s oddly werid really,
how the sorrow comes back after every laugh,
The slight stinging sensation,
Prickling my numbing hurt.
I loved her, I really do,
She was my all , my everything , the love of my life,
and everything that I could ask for,
I promised to protect her forever , and yet it was me who made that promise a never.
I hurt her, I caused her worry, I made her grieve,
All because of my twisted thoughts, my twisted ways and twisted being.
I ruined her, her present ,her future,
And there’s nothing I can do apart from saying a miserable ” I’m sorry” that can never help with anything.
She smiles, she […]
For me, the expression “you are your own worst enemy” holds a lot of truth. It’s a painful reality that much of what limits me in my life is my own feelings of unworthiness and self-hatred.
But where do these feelings come from? How do they influence us? And how can we push past them to live a life free of the harsh attitudes of our inner critic? I will never know.
Well, I am going to write about what has occurred in my life; when my depression started etcetera. I don’t really care if someone reads this or not, I just really need to write it down. I was in a abusive friendship with a girl who lived 3 doors down from my house. I met her when I 3 years old and stayed best friends with her for 10 years. I know what you are thinking. An abusive friendship from the ages of 3-13? Well this “friendship” contained of me feeling like complete and utter crap 24/7 because of the friend mentally destroying me (intensely I […]
I’d never felt more suicidal than I had felt today. I was so determined to put an end to this life within the next couple of weeks. I thought that since I had stooped so low I might as well try heroin, it’s not like I had any further to fall. So I chased the dragon, not intending to kill myself at that point but just for a release. It didn’t feel orgasmic or incredibly intense at the time, just relaxed like I could nod off at any time. So I thought that was that and I went to bed. All of a sudden I […]
I can’t pay my bills because my new boss decided we didn’t need an in-house I.T. person. Forget that I’ve been at this organization for over ten years, have almost 30 years in the business and am only paid about 60% of the market rate for my role. Forget that I have been a one-person I.T., E.H. and S., Telecommunications and Facilities department plus doing all the document control and a million other things. This narcissistic pig was Board Chair before they became an “interim” Executive Director when my former boss quit (or was forced out, nobody’s talking about it) and although I’ve been well […]
You’re birth exsist through my pain, fear, and loneliness. You’re always putting me down and telling me to end every bit of life I try to grasp on. You always echo the problems in my life ” you’re dad fucking hates you if you died tonight he’d kick you in the whole he digs himself” or ” she turned you down because you’re an ugly piece of shit you arnt good at anything all you are is a fuck up to society somebody kill him now. I try giving in to him but I get scared 2/3 of me want to die but something […]
Every day I come home to being screamed at my family hurting me calling me worthless ect. I was just so tired ive been bullied since 4th grade I am a junior in high school and all the bullying bullshit hurts some people don’t know what bullying can cause to you I have scars all over my body but yet I liked the pain I felt when that raz0r would cut my skin and the blood drip on the floor I ran to my room and I got the razor 1cut,2cuts,3cuts,4cuts I looked down I was in my own puddle of blood I was and […]
The thing that i hate about therapy is that every time you walk in the first thing they ask you is “how do you feel today?” and honestly when my therapist asks me that question i can never find the answer to it. I do not know how i feel, i am left speechless from such a simple question. Every time they tell me there is something wrong with me, i feel like i am an outcast, being left out from many things because of my depression, taking two different kinds of pills just so i can be normal? What is that? Taking pills to […]
So I feel I have hours maybe even just minutes left to live in my life. I am to the point where days are not even possible anymore. I have given up. My body is done and my mind is done. I can’t live through any of this anymore. I have everything in place and all I have to do is do my first step and then the last step that would finish me off for good. At this point I feel the only thing or person that could stop me is that one girl. Who I thought I could trust and tell everything to, […]
I find out Thursday if I’m going to lose my house in the divorce. He has spent well over $100,000 of my money and jerks off to “Rape Galaxy,” yet is a very prominent person in the Jewish world. I’m not starting my life all over again at 50. He can have the house so my daughter can continue to be raised here. August 8 can’t come soon enough.
It’s the little things that matter most in this world. The smile from a stranger.. Good advise from a friend.. A fond memory of weekends spent laughing and nothing else.. It’s the little things we share together that mean something. And it’s the little things lost that create the greatest void and the harshest confusion.
When you left, you vanished into thin air..and when you did.. You forgot your towel.. It was just sitting there, so I figured you would come back. But then after a short while, I discovered you left your phone on the table. That can’t be right…you sorta forgot to give […]
Today was the first day in several months I woke up NOT feeling severely suicidal. I’ve been trying really hard to break through these feelings of worthlessness and find a way to make a life for myself no matter what the cost. But it’s clear to me now that everyone absolutely fucking despises me and I deserve to be in a box underground. The first thing that happens is I log into facebook and my brother’s wife (one of the only people in my life) logs off IMMEDIATELY when she sees i’m online. Second, I ask a customer service person where to find royal mail boxes […]
An: This was a poem that I wrote when I was nine, I have no idea why but this poem draws the emotions of me who is present now. I’m becoming a tad mad with my bouts of sudden despair overwhelming me for no apparent reason and it is affecting my work. I have an examination this entire week and yet I keep doing something else and am being apathetic to all the things that used to concern me. It feels as though I’ve awoke to find that I should cease to exist because I am a waste of space and all efforts are just […]
An Overall Feeling Of Untapped Anger Ludicrous Expression Of My Burning Nauseous Stomach And Dissociation That Pierces My Soul And The Lust Of The Universe A Sedated Feeling Of Sorrow Contempt And Hatred Low Octave Starvation And Slow Sweet Whispers Of Foreboding.
I’ve lost it. I’ve gone completely insane. I had stuff here, now it’s gone. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe it never happened. I have a hard time thinking. It’s impossible not to sound like a whiny, punk ***** when I try to explain my situation. I come off as pretentious, hypocritical and mean-spirited. Maybe I am. Sorry for the spam, but I just […]
In my head i died two months ago
I had moved to the big city, crowded with too many people, living in a small bedroom , all so that i could accomplish my long life goal of succeeding as an artist. But my illusions broke like a millions of shards of glass when i came confronted to the reality that i didnt had any more of my hard earned money to keep this dream alive, and after giving so much energy, i found myself at 24 years old, alone, broke, and with no one to speak to with no more energy to spare. I had 2 […]