the only thing that’s been keeping me here so far is my family, and the chance that they would really go through a lot of pain and grief if i died. but lately i find that living for other people is not enough anymore. i’m barely hanging on as it is. each days gets more and more hopeless. more and more i just want to end it, and sometimes i doubt the people in my life would really mourn me all that much anyway.
Where do i start well first and most importantly i love my family but sometimes i feel they dont love me back.I have been having these thoughts for a while now,everything in my life is just gone wrong.For one i cant find a girlfriend but that’s mostly because deep down inside im really afraid of rejection.My sister is on dyalisis and needs a kidney,so me and my mother take of her together because my sisters father was deported a while ago and he has never took […]
I think about myself and the world but l can’t understand why we are here then l decided until I’m alive never,never think about this things again.
Even though my life is like a black hole and l want die but life doesn’t stop
But when i was near to the death my friend from the school give me a message about their music concert
I don’t want go but he insisted and l think that is not bad to do something new therefore while i wasn’t sure about that, l went and when it began my heart began to throb, Music is wonderful it’s my reason for […]
I ain’t shit, I am pretty sure that everyone around me knows that. I flunked out of college when I was only a semester away from finishing. I recently found out I got fired from my job but yet don’t know why.. I worked so hard, I was working almost three weeks with no days off. I received no recognition, no appreciation, no love, they were all shitting on me. I am sort of happy I am no longer working for a bunch off people who shitted on me constantly and never gave a damn about my feelings but i dunno how i’m going to […]
All my life, i’ve been hopinh that the future will bring something good. So far my life has been filled with pain, I know it may seem how I have it easy compared to other people with real problems, but every time it comes, it hurts so much. Mosts nights I spend crying myself to sleep. This has happened for the past three years. My only hope and is that I have someone to be happy with, she held me up, she made me feel that I wasn’t trash, that I could be something, that I was human. Even with her being around whenever it […]
Recently me and my girlfriend broke up because of the things I have done in the past. I came up front and told her the things I did while we were together. So she decided to leave me. I’m not sure if she’s going to completely walk out my life just yet, but she has been ignoring me for a week now. My heart is just aching so bad from this situation. I wanted to tell her those things because I didn’t want to lie anymore. I’m so in love with this girl and she’s trying to walk out my life. Lately I have been […]
If you were supposedly being fooled by everyone around you and only you were the one that was gawked at? What would you do if you felt as though your every thought, feeling, written or spoken statement, action, and the like were all being not just recorded by thouse trying to hurt you but judged as well? How is it that you would deal with the fact that at not quite 40 years old, you feel worn down, exhausted, used up, and spent? If you felt like your entire exsistance was spent on a completely uphill journey at full steam ahead and you were just […]
Here I am, don’t rock me like a hurricane, just hear me out. I have been dealing with some of the most difficult shit that I have ever had to deal with in my entire life and I am completely done with all of it. This life and this bullshit seriously arent worth the endless hours of agony and the energy that it takes to continue on.
At times I don’t even know who I am anymore. From one minute to the next it seems as though I am forced to deal with more drama, insanity, and childish crap than a middle school principal.
I […]
you kno what .. you wanna know what really fuckn sucks is when you think you can trust someone but they backstab you .. are you fuckn serious right now .. i guess this is gods way of showing me who i need in my life and who i dont ..
fuck friendship fuck love bc i get hurt in the end anyways
Last night as I started to go to sleep I felt fear. It was odd because I had spent an hour on the phone with a good friend. I think the contrast of my talk with her and my empty apt and life was too much for me. I finally journaled about it and that helped some. But it was late and I was still awake- again for the umpteen time.
Finally I realized something. I was fighting control. Control of my emotions, control of sleeplessness. Fighting the feeling I am not whole, never will be. And maybe half dozen other active fears. :-< As I […]
Okay so I’ve been asked to share my story and here it is.
I am a 17 year old female and I have cancer.
I was diagnosed about this time last year and I was told that I have a 75% chance of surviving. In November I had my right leg amputated, just above the knee. I am still on chemo.
When I was about 13-years old, my best friend died. This had a major impact on my life. I couldn’t eat, sleep or even talk to anyone. My parents started taking me to a psychologist but it didn’t help. I was taken to a specialist and i […]
I feel stupid. Maybe this whole being intelligent thing isn’t for me. Everyone in my family is smart, so that means there is a chance I am just stupid right? Maybe if parents understood how depressed I feel than they wouldn’t say these things to me, like “don’t you understand college will be 10x harder, or why are you taking those classes you’re never going to do well in them”. I think the real problem is I carry more on my shoulders than they think, so they should just back of. If they weren’t so on top of me, and making me feel like sh*t […]
I was born in Surrey, British Columbia on an early spring morning. My mother, being accompanied by only her parents was resting from the harsh birth just hours prior. My mother was married just weeks prior to her admittance into the hospital and with some surprise, my father entered the room with another woman. He wasn’t one to stay with the same woman for long before he’d discard the relationship to move on. The first two years were hell, I was abandoned in my crib for elongated hours with nothing more than a sippy cup of apple juice. My biological parents were incapable of […]
I was told today that my parents want to take me out for lunch sometime next week.
Well, less of they want me to, more of I have to go with them.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, but I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less. I hate leaving the house now. Scratch that, I hate leaving my bedroom. It’s pathetic.
Well, if all goes to plan, they won’t be able to take me out, except in some weird Weekend at Bernie’s style escapade.
And of course I’ve added all of this to the cumulative message I will send him. I feel like he needs […]
I know everyone is caught up in their own life, and I get that. Still, people are so clueless to see when others are not well around them. They ask me if I’m okay constantly due to my demeanor, because I don’t smile or laugh anymore. I use to wear that mask for everyone. I’d go to work or visit family and put on that ”happy mask” and I’ve come to the place before my end, where I just don’t give a shit anymore. If they want to ask questions, that’s fine, they’re entitled to. Doesn’t mean I have to answer, but if I do […]
I just turned 23 years old and im a Girl. and i have suicidal thoughts on and off for years. I believe it started in high school. It all began from my dad. He wis an alcoholic and bi polar and did steroids and a manic depressant etc. He didnt take his medicine for bi polar. My nightmare Of a life began in middle but it got really bad when i was about 15. He would get drunk and go in my room and lock me in there with him while he would get in my face, lay on top of me, throw me on […]
take a blade to my wrist,
let it slide down my skin,
let it cut and show the red powerful blood
let that blade end my life, allow me to go in that cold dreadful bath
let me endure the pain i was meant for, let me endure the death thats meant to be
don’t allow me to be in pain, if you care so much allow this to happen
at least for me. let me lie down in the cold bath and let the blood trickle down my arms and wrists allow the blood loss to kill me
Im currently 17 years old. Almost 3 years ago, i was involved in a fatal car crash with my 3 best friends whom i loved more than my own family. i grew up with them and spent every chance possible with them from the time i was born until that fateful night. I feel as if its my fault. We always agreed on doing things before we did them. Its like we were all one person. We were as close as you could possibly get to someone. I got a text message inviting me to a party. I brought the party up to them and […]
I’ve found myself wanting to post something on here at least once a day. I don’t really have anything to add, nothing happened today so I’m just going to put up one paragraph I’ve just written. I’m writing a cumulative note to any and all of my family, comprising of my thoughts leading up to the big sleep. I want them to understand as much as possible.
Enjoy.
“I don’t really know why I’m writing this paragraph, and there is a high probability I’ll delete it once I’ve finished writing it. You see, I’ve taken to just writing, its cathartic for me, but it’s almost like a […]