i have had the day from hell. sexual abuse, alone, no family, saw my mother, her denial of what my father did to me, i ended the day with loud music in my earbuds and finished off the brandy. it helped. it numbed. im not a drinker but sometimes i do. what csa has done to me is not pretty, i am always suffering, i want to find a painless way to say goodbye wont think of god, wont serve the devil, either, cant see her anymore, life so painful, nobody knows, every day, ive had enough of being so alone, nobody knows, no, nobody
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nobody knows
I haven’t posted in a while and I don’t respond to shit so I’d understand if everyone just waves this off. I’ve been hearing voices for a while now first I thought it was me just being stupid and it wasn’t constantly so I ignored it. I thought it was my subconscious for a while but then it got worse and I keep getting sharp headaches which follows by the voices. I still don’t know if it’s me just acting stupid or if this is genuine, but they keep getting worse and worse telling me to kill myself or to hurt others. I use to […]
(I apologize in advance for any spelling errors, I suck at using a touchscreen)
Ok, well my story is probably nothing special, I just need to get this out somehow, but as you can probably tell I have suicidal depression. Their really isn’t much bad about my life, I just really hate myself, I literally (actual literally, not figuratively literally) have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I hate my personality, I hate my gender, I hate that I’m asexual, I’m 16 and I watch My Little Pony, I’m incredibly stupid, I hate how I look so much that I can’t stand looking in a mirror and I […]
I’m gay, this is the first time I’ve said it to others. I’m to scared of living with myself if I come out because of the people around me, but I feel like I’m dying on the inside. I have people I care about and people I love, but I don’t want to put them in this situation of having to deal with my gay ass. I have a gay friend I like but she’s the definition of a hoe, but she has her moments. Then I have a straight friend that just leaves me breathless every time she speaks. I want to just be […]
I stopped posting here while i waited for some supplies. I got things situated and waited. So here’s the story.
Tonight, i drove an hour and a half to pick up 100$ worth of high grade heroin. Ive never done it before in my life. My daughter is with my mother, i am home alone. I am cleaning house and organizing things to be found that need to be found. The grief that struck me in the truck on the way home was like nothing I’ve experienced in my life. I have my death in my pocket. To stand on the precipice, look down, and […]
Is it bad that nowadays I find myself not caring about absolutely anything? I don’t have any drive or motivation in my life, and it seems sometimes like things which used to interest me, now cease to exist in my daily life whatsoever. This all began at the beginning of this year (I’m currently a Sophomore in high school). 15 year old me wanted to fit in, be accepted into a certain clique, hang out with new people, do well on my exams, study hard, and to generally just view the world from a whole new perspective for once in my life. Before this year, […]
I really don’t see the point of living anymore, I have a box inside my closet full of unfulfilled suicide letters…I was just to coward to go along with them, I really hate myself for letting my life continue like this it should of stopped a long time ago I give other people advice about how they should continue there life and how they just need to keep there up just a little more, But meanwhile I’m thinking of a way to die. My bestfriend thinks she knows what I’m going through, She doesn’t know the half of it nobody knows but me. I just […]
I’ve been in a place where I didn’t want to be here like I was in every ones way like I had no place to fit In… I still am, but many people that have the most perfect life, family, friends, relationship. don’t understand why we cut our wrist why we starve ourselves why we lock our self up for no one to see just to be alone forever. Nobody knows how many times we cry in our rooms when no ones watching…This lifestyle that we are in isn’t a choice we didn’t want this for our self or for anyone but perfect people […]
extremely depressed. I hide it in so that nobody knows. I don’t want anyone around me to know because It would just be a burden to them. Lost the love of my life and now have nobody. No one to talk to. No one to tell how terrible I’m feeling. Just alone.
I was up all night, feeling like the worst person ever. And why? Because I’ve lost my SS card and birth certificate. I was/ am mad because I had had it in a box, sorted that box and now, poof! Lost them!
I am going to be okay. I always am. I even called my crisis line and told them all my problems and all about how I was going to fix them. I must be superman. Well, superwoman. But ya know…
All the negative feelings are from long ago. So sad inside. Hurting so much and nobody, I mean nobody knows in my family. My friends […]
I wish I could hide out. Hibernate like a bear. Or fall down a hole and no one finds me. Like I wanna run away to Mexico where nobody knows me or my past. Then I could be whoever I wanted. Or if I could disappear. Or be a fly on the wall. [because they have short life spans] I just don’t wanna be me anymore. I don’t wanna be here anymore. I don’t wanna hurt anymore.
I wonder what my mom would like for mother’s day. Flowers? Perfume? A hug? Maybe from her daughters! That’s right she doesn’t count me as a daughter. She’d probably like it better if she could sign a certificate to disown me. I can sort of give her that.
My mother has two daughters (half siblings who are in their mid-twenties) whom she has always loved and adored. They got anything that they asked for and more. Me? The COMPLETE opposite. I barely got attention infact the only attention I ever got was negative. Neither of my parents have ever told me that they loved me. But […]
I’m just so tired of this all. I thought that this summer would be able to help me recover, but the thing is that I don’t ever really feel anything except for this sharp feeling in my chest. But lately, I keep on feeling really dirty whenever I lie to my friends about not being depressed, or cut, or do anything that I usually do. I get an urge to just wash myself clean of all this. The thing is, I developed a crush on a close friend of mine. But the thing is, I don’t think that this is a good kind of […]
I mistakenly got excited–not a lot, but enough to allow me to become disappointed when everything fell through and nothing turned out how I thought I would. I do not get excited very often. I loathe excitement and people who feel it a little too often for my tastes. They are more liable to get their hopes up, as well, which would make me feel bad for them, which would then just make me feel bad in general. Anyway, I went home for Thanksgiving break from college and for some reason thought that I would feel better, that being around my family would make me […]
When I’m around normals, I feel like nobody could ever understand the amount of hurt I feel. So I come somewhere where nobody knows me. I share my pain. Some people look at it like they couldn’t ever imagine going through something so horrible. Others look and say “wow, what a spoiled brat. I’ve had it twice as hard.”
Only the dead are winners here.
Don’t we all like to lose?
When I was 16 years old, I was at the peak of a very dark place.
Everything really started when I was twelve. I hated myself, and everybody else hated me, whether it was too my face or behind my back. I allowed people to walk all over me because I wanted to have friends, no matter how little they were actually friendly. Just people I could sit with at lunch, or talk to during class. I hated being alone. I still do. I started cutting a few months after I turned twelve, when I overheard one of my “friends” talking about it with someone else.
I […]
I hate my life. It seems OK looking from outside in but this is not what I want. What’s scarier to me is that I don’t know what I want. I feel miserable and useless and lost and confused. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I am so alone but I don’t want to be around anyone. Doesn’t make any sense. Nobody knows how I feel and I can’t explain how I feel. I wish something or someone would just take me away from this place. I don’t have it bad but I can stand myself. No one gets me. No one…not even […]
I was raped when I was 12, but nobody knows about it I tried telling my parents but I ended up telling them I had lied because I blammed someone for it, who wasn’t who did it, it was my grandpa who raped me and I can’t seem to bring myself into telling my parents because I know they won’t believe me and I would be judge but every day I wake up wishing I was dead praying for cancer or a brain tumor, I’ve tried suicide before but all it did was make people judge me and make me feel worst, I play happy […]
I will sink all the way
But the now at eternal apex
God, I am so alone, abyss
Chained Minotaur in labyrinth
Behind the gates is whom that I seek
Shiva, oh godddess, you are the Queen
A bewildered child of hell in the scene
That nobody, that nobody knows, the pain
I just want to breathe, rectify Satan
Nobody sings
First time I’m saying something about it. I mean today is the day, but nobody knows. I wanted someone to know. It’s an interesting feeling walking around, conversing, interacting with normal life people, while knowing without a doubt that I will die today. I’ve ruined everything I’ve touched. I’ve wasted so many chances, so much time. Of my own, and more importantly, others around me. I’m the catalyst. Remove me, all is well. I’m quiet about it now, I’ll be quiet when it happens. No need for a fiasco. I’ve created enough of those. When you know, you know I suppose. I’ve discovered that clearing […]
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