I’m so tired. My body is so tired, I can feel it. I’ve feeling nauseous all the time and my muscles feel sore. I can’t wake up without feeling I’ll throw up. My sight is getting blurry and my head hurts like hell. It’s getting harder to move. It’s getting harder to breathe.
It’s like my body is giving up on me.
Please, not yet. Please. You promised me.
Sure, I sit and think about death and how I would go about offing myself quite a bit. But the actual concept of death is somewhat terrifying. I think what I ultimately want is for my pain to be gone, but not to be dead. I do not believe in an afterlife. I believe that death is nothingness. There would be no me anymore. There would be no me to even experience nothingness. I would not be sitting in eternal darkness, wish-washing in and out through consciousness and nothingness, I would just be gone. Erased. No more. The idea of that is somewhat satisfying. It’s […]
This is my second post. I still feel depressed. I lost my baby and can’t seem to get over it. My dad tells me I’m fat everyday and says I should go to the gym but I don’t really want my bump to go away…at least not yet. I even miss the asshole of the father of my baby even thou he mistreated me and is happy as it could be. I can’t trust anyone. I feel alone. My family is not supportive. I wish to be gone.
Why? Why is everything so fucking hard? I thought I was getting better. I thought my feelings and emotions were returning. I thought I was finally feeling human again.
But I’m not.
I don’t feel alive. I’m stuck in the middle. Between life and death. I was trying to choose life, but it’s not working. I can’t choose death. Not yet.
I want to die, but I can’t. I try to live, but it’s hard. Life never brings anything for me. Death is well within reach, but I can’t end it.
I hate being STUCK. I hate being TRAPPED.
When is the pain going to end?
I don’t want to cut […]
Yesterday I was at the condo unit of my friend with some blockmates. We decided to hang out there. They have 3 doubled deck. I lay down on the top bed near the window. I tried opening the window but they were mad at me. Maybe they know that I might jump out of the window. They know how crazy and mad I am. But I told them I wouldn’t jump. Not yet. And they let me open it but they were guarding me. I opened it and took my feet out. I looked down. I was very tempted to jump. It’s like I can […]
This page is a graveyard. This page is where we come to die. We stop by for a fleeting moment, trying to write something of meaning, to express the void that encompasses our lives. Soon enough though, we get bored of this site to, and we move on.
“Could it be possible! This old saint in his woods has not yet heard the news that God is dead!” – Nietzsche
I survived yesterday. I don’t know how I’ll make it through today.
Yesterday I just slept. Today, all I want to do is get high. Maybe that will help.
It gets harder by the day. I don’t want it to end just yet, but if things keep going downhill every single second, I might not live to see next year. I don’t want to keep having these impulsive moments where I want it all to end now. I’m afraid soon enough I will act on them.
I don’t want to hurt my family. Right now is not a good time to end it. Not now. […]
Just an update my car is uncomfortable it does not have good lumbar support lol I’m sleeping in a Parking garage I’m hungry my neck hurts I have no money and I have a continuous headache I took a shower at my gym because I have not yet lost my membership I spend my day going to different subways until they kick me the fuck out so I can use the wifi to look for shit jobs because my data is very low. I’m […]
Yes, I still think about you every day. Yes, I’m kind of masochistic.
It’s been almost a year from the last mail. Maybe four years from the last time I saw you.
I feel stupid. A little girl who can’t live without daddy. A kid who cries because daddy doesn’t love her.
Even if you caused me so much pain. Even if I remember all that fear I felt when you came home. And all those times you hurt me. Physically and psychologically.
I can’t help it. I still love you. I still wonder what you must be doing, if you’re sad, if you eat ok, […]
This is my last time writing this to someone because I’m ending myself. Nothing seems worth living for except a few things, which are not yet here with me. What are those things? Having my first child. Having my first relationship. Drinking coconut juice, very refreshing. Anyways, here is my pouring out thoughts of you: I still think about you every day. I’m quite sure it’s not the same for you. But I wouldn’t know. Though you could say I’m still in love with you, I don’t consider I am, in fact, I feel I’m near over you. ‘We loved with a love that was […]
Dear Mom,
No, I am not yet trying to commit suicide. Just not yet. Not here. Not in this winter. If I do it, I’ll do it right. I’ll do it at home. Our home. Our real home. Not here. So, chill, I’m still alive. Isn’t that explained why this post is called pre-suicide notes? Hah. I’m sorry mom. I’m sorry for being a failure. I’m sorry to disappoint you. I’m sorry I’ve been so wasted in this world. I’m sorry that I’m being like this. No, you did nothing wrong, mom. You’ve been a great mom. Yes you are. It is just me. I’m thinking […]
I was so stupid. How could I have possibly thought that I was capable of true happiness?
I was doing so well. For about a year, I fell into and out of deep fits of depression. I attempted to take my life twice and no one even noticed. Even the doctors thought it was all accidental….but then, I just stopped caring all together. I figured that the depth of my state would eventually kill me off. I was no longer concerned with living or dying. If there were ever a limbo for humans, I’d entered it. At some point in my state of limbo, a wonderful […]
I think we all have a common trend of abuse… physical… sexual.. I don’t want to die it would hurt the one person that really cared but was too afraid to let me know. I think we all have that person… My bf died in 2011 as I was a senior. Woke up and he was dead. I’m ok now just feel alone and sometimes think about how lucky he is to be above the clouds.. free.. one day when it’s my turn to go but not yet. He was raped at 6 years old and only told me 4days before he took his last […]
Everyone makes painful, frustrating, aggravating experiences. But the question is – are there also some wonderful experiences to look forward to, that make it worth to put up with the bad ones? You can’t define the value of either experiences by logic (neither positive, nor negative). Perhaps, it’s even not possible to describe them in such a way, that people, who didn’t experience them, truly understand them. I believe, the most powerful positive experiences are built upon the feeling of affinity, belonging to this world. It’s not […]
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