Ever been so desperate for a change that you jumped head first into a bucket of bleach? Yeah. I got to that point. Desperately needed something new. What is it about small changes that makes me feel better for a little while? Why does that seem to hold me over for a few days? Its still me. So why does it make such a big difference in my attitude for a short time? I feel okay today. Even after waking up to heartbreaking news. […]
Today was so fucking bad it made me realize a lot that I’ve been pushing down and what’s been happening for years is not okay. I feel the only way out is to leave everything and just escape from life
I don’t know how I’m feeling I can usually tell but this morning I woke up and I just feel here my thoughts aren’t really there now it’s just images and words passing by in my head so fast it’s hard to make them out. I don’t know what I’m thinking and that bugs me a lot no being able to feel what I’m feeling
Saw my new counselor today, for I think the 3rd time. She’s nice and all, but I think naïve. Nothing she says really makes me feel any better. Next week she says we’re going to work on the grief I’m feeling over the breakup of my marriage. Sounds like a good plan to me, but I don’t really see myself getting over being dumped after 24 years of marriage. Taking new anti-depressant but its not helping. Visiting with my son tomorrow which is good, but in a way he just reminds me how much the ex hates me. The misery is just a constant now, […]
I can’t be angry at her, at least for no more than a flash.
Because the truth is, I’m angry at me too. I don’t like myself either. I get frustrated with me all the time.
But I’m going to fix it. I’m going to make it okay. Do you believe me?
I just needed to vent.
I am having a hard time… I am going through a horrible break up with the person I loved and I feel hopeless… He’s hurt me so much and I still want him… No matter what… I feel so alone and lost and suicide seems to be a good way out of this mess… I have been through much worse in the past and just want to be safe and okay again but it seems that is never going to happen…
It’s dark.
Real dark.
Some strapped in corners not because they aren’t doing anything, but because they can’t. Some in corners because they really just aren’t doing anything too.
But that’s okay. Don’t you dare feel bad.
Depression does that and it’s completely normal.
It did to me.
You can get depressed about anything at anytime.
There’s no time limit when dealing with depression.
5 years or 50 years. At the end of the day, depression still wins. So if you feel guilty of being depressed about something, for who knows how long, that’s okay. It’s okay.
It kind of stays with you even when you’re better. But […]
Here I am- again. Oh woe.
…. You know, it isn’t even that I really want to die anymore, or that I don’t want to be here, or that I’m thoroughly sick of it all yet again. It isn’t that I’m done with life or trapped in despair or mired in the worry I like to pull from molehills; it isn’t anything, really.
I’m…. just kind of tired. At this point, after everything, it isn’t that living doesn’t seem at least a little worth it. It doesn’t seem impossible, hopeless, or crushing, it seems doable and enjoyable and maybe something that I could manage to be […]
Break me down. Please. Disect me. Cut me open. Just tell me what’s wrong with me. I’ll give you all of the tools if you can just look inside. I’m down on my knees begging you to tell me what’s wrong with my mind. Why am I like this? Why do I want these horrible things? I don’t want to be your burden. But I wouldn’t mind being your little science project. I don’t want the drugs. I don’t want the alcohol. I […]
Mom had decided to divorce dad right after my sister was born. Didn’t do it, went back and had me, that’s when the fights began. Okay, decided to enter schizophrenia and Dad was too desperate to see the future believing life was so much fun. At 27, with a painless method at hand, I realise they are both being held by their children from dying. So we never had parents. I feel like I’m holding them alive at gunpoint, not fair, since they’re vehemently against it, they don’t even want me to earn, although my not having a job adds to it. So since my […]
I’ve always had a number of acquaintances but not many close friends. Relationships have always occurred at a distance – like walking down a beach and seeing people off in the distance. People don’t seem to knock at my door -and I spend holidays alone (hate holidays). I make flippant comments to strangers – some smile, some think I’m insane. I tell my stories to grocery store clerks and baristas – a captive audience who smile but don’t ask if I’m okay. I get phone calls from telemarketers and medical receptionists – would you like to buy some gold – hello Mr Eaton your doctors […]
I’m soaked back into that mood, that one that seems no matter where you are everything is pointless nothing to gain. Nothing ahead of yourself, nothing planned, nothing going as planned, and surely nothing I want is ahead of me. It’s like clock work of suicidal thoughts, it’s hits tremendously hard at times, then there’s the barable and okay. It’s amazing of how badly I can think myself into this, loneliness has to be one of the biggest things, right behind the uselessness of myself. It all just hurts and I need to get it out someway.
I hate it. I got out of my grandma’s house for cutting, and she sent me to a hospital. the hospital was okay, but after I refused to go back with her they put me into a ton of different Starr programs. The sad part is, my middle name is Starr so it’s more depressing than it should be.
I’ve given up on friendships, since I’ll just have to leave in a week. I keep to myself and read my books. I haven’t stopped cutting, even though I really should. I’ve met my soon-to-be foster mother. She’s so sweet, she just has to clean her hose […]
I feel guilty for the way I feel. My life is good, most would call it easy and I have the nerve to be ungrateful. I try to put on a brave face but it’s so hard to pretend you’re okay when you’re not. It’s like every little thing someone says hurts me and digs in. It keeps burrowing under my skin building until I just can’t take it anymore and I know I don’t hide it that well but no one notices. I’ve tried to kill myself before and I take medication and I tell my mom that I just feel empty, but all […]
I can’t feel anything I’m so numb and depressed I go from okay to this every hour or so my thoughts hit me like bricks and my anxiety keeps it coming
Every time I look in the mirror another piece of me is gone.
Today it was my left ear.
But that’s okay, it had started to fade yesterday afternoon.
The more of me that fades away, the more my soul is becoming visible.
Like a little egg of pure white light, it’s hatching.
What colour is your soul?
With a younger close friend. In some pain and alone. Trying to pry myself off the couch – I ve been here before. She’s with someone else I didn’t even know how much she counted until she told me about her new friend. I’m being obsessive and I don’t want to let her go but I don’t want to creep her out either ( maybe too late). I’ve thought of giving up – I’m like scary needy. I know I’m putting way too much on her for my well being but you who have been in this hell know how effective logic is. It’s been […]
I wonder what the journey to death is like.
I don’t necessarily believe in an afterlife, although I like the idea of one.
Will there be a long, dark tunnel to gates of white?
Or a long, dark tunnel to blackness?
Paradise or Nothingness?
My money is on there being nothing in death. But that’s okay with me, if there is no conscious thought after life ends, then I have no ability to be unhappy.
I am trying to escape the influence of those who have hurt me, but it’s like that nightmare where you’re running away from someone and every time you glance back they’re still nipping at your heels, […]