I feel guilty for the way I feel. My life is good, most would call it easy and I have the nerve to be ungrateful. I try to put on a brave face but it’s so hard to pretend you’re okay when you’re not. It’s like every little thing someone says hurts me and digs in. It keeps burrowing under my skin building until I just can’t take it anymore and I know I don’t hide it that well but no one notices. I’ve tried to kill myself before and I take medication and I tell my mom that I just feel empty, but all she says is I’m sorry and then walks away. She doesn’t know how to deal with me and I don’t know how to deal with myself. I’ve tried to reach out to her and she doesn’t even seem to care. No one does. That’s what makes it so hard it’s not some deep secret. I’ve been here before but no one else seems to recognize the signs. It’s hard and I just don’t want to feel so alone anymore.
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You cant let things people say get to you. It may seem hard to do, but you just got to let it go they don’t know you and they just don’t understand. Is there someone else in your life that you can reach out to other than your mom since she doesn’t understand/want to help? Because, if she can’t help you need someone else in your life as a positive enforcement. Other close family/friends can notice, but most won’t ask unless you tell them and you would need to trust them before telling them anything. I tell my two best friends most of my troubles and they tell me theirs. This is because family just makes things way to complicated. I also really just don’t want my family to know. It may seem hard, but i’m sure there’s someone.
Well having a comfortable life doesn’t mean anything if you are hurting inside. Think of that billionaire who became a millionaire and killed himself. You really should consider therapy because without knowing your or your problems, there’s little help anyone can give.
I think other people’s words take on far too much meaning and value, when that’s all we focus on. I used to be like you to an extent and would try to hang people on their words-as if it’s the most significant thing ever.
There’s a girl I love and sometimes she gets moody and says offensive things, or she’ll change her normal behavior like refuse to hug me when we leave and I used to read far too much into it. Others treat her like she’s a flake and don’t take her seriously.
I’ve had to learn to do similar things too and you’ll find that life gets easier that way. People usually don’t mean to be nasty or cruel or crude…unless they’re your enemy already. So I’ve learned to take things in stride, don’t read into a person’s words too much.
Think of who they are and how they treat you. I had a falling out with a close sibling recently and even though she said some mean things to me, I know she’s a good person and we both really just wanted to be friends again, so I advised her to by-pass that bs and to have an honest discussion with her and our conversation entirely changed and I’m sure we’re going to be friends again soon. So that’s the sort of tactic I’m advising.
What you are going through are all the classic symptoms of depression, however for you they are not so classic. They are unique and individual to you. When you say that you feel empty inside that is a feeling that goes with a lot of different situations but is very easily related to. Believe me, I know that feeling well.
From a mothers perspective I can tell you that even though I myself have suffered with depression and such for many many years, when my own child was dealing with the same type of emotions, I found it extremely difficult to find a common ground at which we could have a discussion that was both understood and beneficial to us both. Even though the feelings were the same, there was not an identical situation that we could apply them to. I felt even more helpless and was very confused by the whole situation.
Even more recently I had a “friend” of mine call me up and tell me he just wanted to end his life and he was nothing to anybody and couldn’t find a reason to go on. Our conversation was very short because I was in no place to try to convince him to live. I just couldn’t find the words that he needed to hear from me. He is still alive however we haven’t talked since that day.
Sometimes when we are going through the same thing or feeling the same emotions we still cannot connect with anyone else and therefore we feel more alone than we ever have. Please know that what you are going through, although unique and completely personal to you, is understood by many and that you are not alone. If you can continue to find help and answers here on this web site, don’t be a stranger.
I hope to learn more about your journey thus far and be some source of reference in the least for you as well.
I hope that I have helped at least a little. ~cheers