Not hurting my mum is starting to not be enough to keep me living.
I’m scared. Maybe being scared is a good thing, but suicide has stopped being an idea to become a real possibility.
Two weeks and I’ll be 25. Or not.
I cant sleep. I feel more alive in my dreams then i do in real life. When i wake up i sit and cry before putting on a fake smile and going to school. Im a pretty shy kid, i guess you could call me a nerd. got good grades but there not the best and i spend most of my time reading blocking out the real world. Anyways, back to the sleeping problem. I fall asleep around 12 at night and the problem is i cant stay asleep. i dream, wake up and cry, and go back to sleep. most of my nights are […]
My parents weren’t perfect by any means. They made their fair share of mistakes raising me. But their intent was always good. They tried their best to help me all the way to the end.
I know that when I’m gone it will devastate them. They have been living in fear of this for the last several months. It hasn’t been easy for them. I regret putting them through this pain. But it wasn’t my choice.
My brother and sister live far away so I don’t see them very often anymore. They will be hurt, too, and so will their kids. No more uncle for them. I […]
I’m not used to being hated by everyone around me, everyone in my life. It fucking sucks. It also feels weird being totally alone; no one to talk to, no one to care about me, no one for me to care for. Typically, people love me and I’m lauded over my awesome personality and just overall likeable qualities. That’s not my own ego speaking. I literally would have at least one person a day at a very minimum go out of their way to express there admiration of one of my traits. But once again I’ve hit rock bottom and this time the […]
I’ve had two serious suicide attempts:
The first time I tried to kill myself (around age 14) was after my best friend had done the same a week prior and I couldn’t stand living without him. I chose to hang myself, but the beam I used to tie the rope on ended up snapping. I fell, hit my head and was knocked unconscious. My mother heard me fall and found me up in the attic and then called the EMS. I had a huge lump on my head, which ended up being a mild concussion and my throat was all sore and messed up afterwards. I […]
So it’s been a while since I’ve posted properly. Had a good vent.
Honestly, it’s because I haven’t needed to. Things are good. They feel good. Only they don’t really feel good. Not like they should. Not like they did.
Made a new friend. It’s nice having a new friend. Distracts you from your own life.
I have a nice little community, a nice support system, if you will. And we all look out for each other. And they just accepted me in one day. And they treat me like a friend, they are genuinely interested in my life and how I’m doing. I haven’t had that in […]
I dont feel like ive explained myself well enough in the first post , since leaving the basement i feel as if my life has changed to frequently, that nothing is substantial or sustainable, i have had the worst luck and the best fortune all at the same time, so many people have stopped there lives to benifit mine and reverse side of that is so many people have walked over my life to get what they want, i just cant believe i got out, just as i resigned myself to my fate i got freed? tell me that isnt coincidence, this cant be real, […]
I have been planning to go away permanently for sometime now. I had a practise run and everything is set up.
The way it was determined will not make much sense to anyone. What am I even asking? I don’t know.
They sent me to hospital last Monday. I had not been sleeping I was hearing a lot of commands seeing things in my room. But all this has happened before. I admitted to having attempted to end my life but I have bipolar and bpd and I think that they just see all that as symptoms of my shit.
So the next two days […]
Comrades, we live in a world without justice and evil. I want to tell you guys, that are suffering, that its only bad right now, but that is not the case. It gets bad, then good, and suddenly gets bad again. Possibly even worse than before. But it doesn’t have to stop there. You don’t have to give up just because its bad right now. It WILL get good again. Its almost like the eye of the hurricane. Don’t get me wrong, the actual hurricane is hellish, but the eye is the period of a light breeze, ray of sunlight and nature at its most […]
I just joined… Have no one to talk to, so here’s my first vent.
Alone and crying, confused since childhood. I’m addicted to the love I never had. I love the ones who don’t love me back. Im stuck in the pain of rejection- for years. I cry for months. Alone in darkness, silent without music. Music haunts my memories. On the outside I wear a smile and life goes on. I move quickly, work hard and keep going. No one knows how I feel inside. They laugh with me and say ‘you’ll be alright’. But at home I cry, all night. My dreams of love […]
As I drift through life and year after year passes me by with out any real direction, happiness or acheivements, I feel like im watching a crap film but I cant switch it off no matter how hard that I want to. You can’t slow time but you can make the most of it, like a lot of people I know do, but I cant seem to do the same leaving me with a lifetime ‘what ifs’ or ‘what could of beens’. I hate where my life has been for so many years and I fear the future so I spend my life reminiscing a […]
my past is bad i was sexually abused and beat. My real dad died when i was two of a car wreck.Ive attempted suicide three times in my life and the last time i almost ended it. I still self harm and its how i cope with all the things that i go through.
People I talk to have said tears before God are prayers that God hears and reaches his heart. If that is true then he feels nothing for me. I’m so sick of being a good Christian girl who is forgotten by God. Seems if when he was making all his children I was just the remaining dust on the floor that he swept and threw away.
They said that when I got sober things would get better , that as long as I did the next right thing God will help me. He won’t though. They say that I’m selfish by thinking of suicide and that […]
I don’t know why I’m posting. I guess because I can’t share this with anyone else. But I have 4 more days to go. I’m both at peace and afraid. I’m afraid I’ll fail. I can think of nothing worse than failing. My method I hope is as foolproof as anything can be but then nothing is ever 100%. My plan is meticulous. But once it starts I cannot stop. Even best laid plans may be interrupted though and as long as I haven’t started I can delay it. I hope I don’t need to though.
I want so much to go through with it. I […]
I was never a popular kid. Sometimes I didn’t have any friends. Sometimes I had someone to go with, I wouldn’t say they were real friends.
After school, I did have friends. Popular ones, in fact. I used to go out every weekend, and just party all night, drink, laugh, go to sleep at 8 in the morning in some dirty apartment.
No big talks (at least no without alcohol being involved), no intimacy. We just had fun. It was kind of mandatory having fun.
So, people has calmed down, settled. I keep some of those friends and now we really speak. And some new […]
you wrote a beautiful story,
Constructed it so perfectly.
You were so well put together,
As if everything came so easily.
Characters so picturesque,
You made a perfect story.
But it was truth and lie,
You wrote a perfect allegory.
You tried running from yourself,
Putting on a different mask to hide.
You put on the mask of a smile,
Behind which you cried.
but with so many choices,
How could I ever find the real you?
You lived the lives you created,
And never left behind a clue.
All alone, you suffered your demons,
All alone, you sat in sorrow.
Never once did you ask for help,
You put up a false bravado.
No one came to your rescue,
Because you never appeared weak.
I would […]
All my life, i’ve been hopinh that the future will bring something good. So far my life has been filled with pain, I know it may seem how I have it easy compared to other people with real problems, but every time it comes, it hurts so much. Mosts nights I spend crying myself to sleep. This has happened for the past three years. My only hope and is that I have someone to be happy with, she held me up, she made me feel that I wasn’t trash, that I could be something, that I was human. Even with her being around whenever it […]
I don’t care about anything anymore. There is no passion left in me. No hope. I used to love reading. I would rapidly devour books. Now I slowly pick through them. I would avidly consume films. Now I get bored and turn off. It all seems hollow.
The world holds no real interest for me. No intrigue. It is empty. Things just …are. There is no purpose to it. No fairness. No intrinsic meaning. Just stars, planets, animals, people, doing what they do. It’s sometimes beautiful, sometimes hideous, but ultimately……empty.
Our civilization is slowly but surely destroying itself, and I don’t even care. We’re on course to […]
I feel stupid. Maybe this whole being intelligent thing isn’t for me. Everyone in my family is smart, so that means there is a chance I am just stupid right? Maybe if parents understood how depressed I feel than they wouldn’t say these things to me, like “don’t you understand college will be 10x harder, or why are you taking those classes you’re never going to do well in them”. I think the real problem is I carry more on my shoulders than they think, so they should just back of. If they weren’t so on top of me, and making me feel like sh*t […]