Suicide, can it ever leave my thoughts? Death and life go hand in hand. The only certainties I can count on. This life just seems more like death…and death more like the life I want, numb, unmoving, still, silent. Beautiful Nothingness. Keaton Henson-I’m going down this ship, and I most likely will drown, but it’s worth it, it’s worth it. I’m 19 now, been thinking of this ever since I can remember. I don’t fit here, I don’t belong in this world. I am in unrecognizable pain, hiding behind a facade. I didn’t feel anything. Is this real. Is this what I hoped for. My […]
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I’ve lost control of everything. I am failing the two college classes that I managed to stay in, I’ve lost my closest friends… I can’t manage to even go to my classes because I literally cannot get myself out of bed. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’ve attempted in the past. I’ve cut. I’ve turned to drinking. I’ve stayed in a hospital for a week. I don’t have anything planned and I don’t think I want to do anything but I just don’t know anymore. I don’t seem to know anything except that I can’t seem to do anything I need to do. […]
I took a nap and had a scary dream. I was in New York City and it was 9/11 , 2001 and I was standing at the bottom and just started running away because I saw the trade center start to come down and I just saw everyone scream and running with me and sirens every where .Holy shit it was so scary. I’m feeling wierd right now because it really makes me angry that like thousands of people died . All these terrorist attacks even today are like out of control. Isis in Paris … Apparently they are in my state Virginia targeting at […]
It’s been for some years now. That feeling of loneliness and sorrow.
Since my only best friend I’ve ever had abandoned me, I didn’t find any real friends anymore. I don’t know why, but it seems that I’m just so very different from anyone else in my class and my surrounding. People think I’m strange. They avoid me. If we need to do group work in class everyone will sit happily together with their friends and I, well, I’m just standing there trying desperately to find someone to team up with me but no one hears me.
No one is on my side and helps […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
It’s been a while, although it sits at bay ready at a moments notice. Just waiting for the next opportunity to form again. Sad existence. No real purpose. I feel like I suffer so everyone else can continue. When I hear of someone committing, I am not sad. I understand that this place is not for everyone. Read a quote that the noise is too much for some. Or something like that. I’ve got more to say but gonna stop now. I wanna see if anyone relates.
A so called ‘friend’ of mine found my blog. My blog where I have no one I know in real life on, and he called me out on it all. He called me out on things that werent what he thought, and told me to ‘stop posting about mental illnesses bc i dont have one’. Can we talk about how inconsiderate that is? Its worse now than when I last fell out with my friends and I dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to head downhill any further. I want help. Ive never said it before but I honestly want help bc […]
Gorgeous, that’s all he knows her as. He knows she has a real name, and that there’s a real face behind that picture, but he likes to imagine that same face laughing, smiling, blushing. He feels something in his chest when he speaks to her, but he feels for the other as well. They are friends, him and her, and their playful banter often lasts hours. She calls him cruel for the compliments he gives, and he calls her Gorgeous. The makeup runs down her cheek in the picture, but when he pictures her, he sees those piercing blue eyes looking at him, or some […]
Ever since I graduated college last year, the meaning in my life has decreased. I’m at a low that I’ve never experienced before. When I was in high school, it was all about teenage angst and being heartbroken from unrequited love. In college I was preoccupied with struggling to get by and remnants of my teenage angst. Now that I’m over my teenage angst and I can see clearer, suddenly life has become so meaningless and so boring. Nothing impresses me. Nothing excites me. I suppose this is called depression? But I have no real reason to be depressed. Sure, I still don’t have a […]
Well, is it?
I can’t wrap my mind around this. You hear christians talk about heaven. Oh such a glorious place, no more pain, no more worries, no hunger, no anything but good.
So if heaven is all that…………..is it wrong to want to go there? Why would anyone not want to go there? Is it a real place?
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I went out on a first date tonight. Which means I left my bed for the first time in a week. I’m not wanting a relationship and even though the guy and I are total opposites it was nice to get out of the house and have some fun. That’s a huge step for me. I seriously haven’t put on real clothes in months and rarely leave my house. Thank god for Chinese delivery. I feel weird coming home because while I did have fun all I wanted was to be back home in my bed with the iPad. It’s my safe place and no […]
my girlfriend and i decided a while ago to have a kid and eventually got pregnant. everything was fine until lately, when she got to the eighth month. she is now starting the ninth. see, both me and her suffer from mental illnesses, and in her case, she felt as if the embryo was protecting her, and so her illness disappeared, even if for a while. knowing she is gonna deliver soon, her illness is back. it was enough when both of us dealt with our difficulties before, but with a baby on our hands, that seems almost impossible. at least, that’s how things look […]
It gets a little easier to let go
I gotta stop being afraid to just step into the fray. Just completely let go.
Even if i fail the pain from the mistake would feel incredibly real. For once.
As nov. 2nd approaches i cant help but think of my recently passed cousin and how he helped me out so much. Was so free. I think about how he was in a car accident and how i want to experience it.
I know its fucked up thinking but what else is new..
Ah well this is just good venting. I’ll be making an hour trip back home tomorrow […]
I’m thinking about going back to therapy/counselling, as a way of trying to resolve my suicidal thoughts.
It’s not so much that I want to change, more that I want to clarify what I’m living for, and if that’s really a good choice.
I keep telling myself that suicide would be a terrible thing to do to my parents, and that my life’s not really that bad, but all it takes is a few days at work to make me miserable, and I start feeling like I can’t go on anymore. It’s become a weekly cycle.
I guess I’m looking to resolve those conflicting feelings – either to […]
Are we?
Few people that fairly close to me are calling me that. They didn’t say it directly to my face. I stumble upon their post on social media because apparently word just got out that I leave everyone because I have depression. And of course, just like any other community or society in these world, most of them thought that depression isn’t real. “It’s all in your head”. “Try and be happy”. “You need to have a reason to move forward”. You know the deal. All these motivational quotes they get on Pinterest/Tumblr.
It does, however, make me think. Do I (we?) really need the attention? Am I an attention seeker? Maybe […]
We’re all going to die anyway. Why talk about our problems. They mean nothing in the end. There’s no point in trying to connect with or help others. There’s no point in doing any of this meaningless crap. We’ll all just cease to exist one day and our bodies will either be burned or put in a box and then put in the ground. We’re all going to disappear one day and nothing that any of us do will matter. There is no point to any of this.
I think the great majority of us on this site has realized that life is pure and […]
Imagine if you will a dark room painted with light and shadow. Objects stand in various positions casting different images, but something is wrong. Shouldn’t the light cast the shadows? No, instead in this case, the Shadows are casting light. The objects, enveloped in the deep black have somehow determined to paint it with some sort of luminescence. But this imaginary construct does not exist, in fact, beyond being impossible, it is metaphorically maddening. Yet, this is the image of myself , of the tears , that fade into black , because they are themselves black , they are the blood of the world that […]
I feel so numb. I feel like nothing around me is real. I should have told my pdoc that I attempted suicide when I had my appointment, but I guess I assumed the hospital told her since they asked for her name and I provided it. But nobody told her and I told her that nothing changed and I was still depressed and she just refilled the medicine I oded on and off I went.
My pdoc is a revolving door of pills. I don’t know if I’m having a mental break or if it’s a side effect of all these meds. Right now it’s keppra, […]