Even as a child I knew how my life would end, I used to think it would be before my 21st birthday. My 23rd birthday is next month, I cant count how many failed attempts I have had. I do know that I am better educated now, I know what will and wont work, how much I should take and when to take it. I have a generalized date set, it wont be until after my birthday, it would be selfish to do it sooner. I have chosen to overdose, I have the medications I need. The money for a hotel room. I am calm […]
Tag:
Sadness
Me, I’m scared. I’m still a young little girl and I’m going threw things I wish I wasn’t. To adults, they think its my fault. I’m starting to think maybe it is. Its ME who is struggling ,I make myself struggle. I try to “Love” but there is no love for any young girl. Theres only lust. And if you have love, your a lucky son of a *****. I want to feel love. because everyone I date I say I’m in love but I’m n0t. Could it be that I just started dating?. I struggle with pain, anger, sadness and more .  But why, why me. […]
I tried to be happy I really did. it worked for maybe like a month but now I’m right back where I was before comfortable in sadness. I guess since I felt it so much I’ve started to like it happiness is so temporary sadness can be forever…. and I think it will for me I’m socially awkward and not worth remembering I’m the true definition of dust in the wind haha it’ll get better though right? yeah right
ight as well start with a smiling face because im pretty sure i wont end the journal with it once ive finished writing all this , well as the title says where to begin , i guess i should start with positive , i managed to draw Ezio Auditore de firenze  even though i think i messed up slightly with the face and hands , but nobodys perfect , at least now i know what to work on which is a positive XD ……trying to think what else is positive , well ive got my birthday in 11 months lol but its going to be […]
When i want to feel the love that everyone surrounds me with , I can’t . I feel so alone and empty , i wish i knew a way out that does not involve hurting myself . I just want everything to be okay again . I do not want anxiety , fear , pain , sadness, or anything . I just want to be … well i don’t know what i want to be . If i cant be lonely and upset , what else is there?
If you’re sad,
and you’re sad that you’re sad, then you’re sad
that you’re sad
that you’re sad.
And then you’re sad
that you’re sadÂ
that you’re sadÂ
that you’re sad.Â
And so on.
To infinity.
.and.
If you’re happy that you are sad, then you’re sad.
If you’re sad that you’re happy, then you’re sad.
Sadness reigns.
To infinity.
I don’t really feel my emotions any more. I know that they’re there, but my mind just doesn’t seem to process them the way that it should. For example, when I watch the news, and there’s a story about somebody that was murdered, I realise that I should feel something. I should feel anger toward the person that commited the murder. I should feel pity for the victim and his/her loved ones. But I don’t feel anything. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if I’m hanging out with friends, if something happens that makes everyone laugh, I am always the last to join in, […]
the only time I feel calm without the influence of drugs, is here. Fuck, what’s wrong with me? :s
I think about dying, and now, what holds me back is that I won’t get to swim in the sadness that I’ll cause with my death. I won’t be able to lick the tears of my loved ones as they wonder why they didn’t notice my derangement sooner. I wanna be like huck finn, fake my death and attend my funeral. The only happiness I have is others misfortune and oh golly would I love to feed off the negative energy that would be radiating from my […]
Ok..my day was going good, until I walked into a restaurant and saw my ex husbands family. It shouldn’t bother me, knowing they were not the ones hurting me..but of course it still ruined my day. I know in my heart that ive loved all I can..tried the best I can so why can I not get over the feeling of betrayel and sadness. Ive worked all my life..never went on vacation unless I paid for it myself. Took my ex a few places..even out of the country but he never wanted to take his family anywhere..including mcdonalds. His girlfriend and him would keep me […]
My family read my diary, which described all the details of my sadness and my wish to die. I am now on lock-down. They don’t want to leave me alone and I am being pushed toward hospitalization. I now have to move out of my sister’s house because she fears for her children’s safety, not really mine.
So,
I’m looking for a place to live, but I honestly want to be done with this. I have no where to go and no on wants to claim me. I’m pretty sure no one cares about me and the one person I thought I could count on made me […]
the plan: or how I put the coal in my xmas stocking to good use
I don’t feel much better today. I think my issue is more chemical than I realized. I went out with some friends last night for dinner and it was simply amazing. We had a great time, laughing and talking (i was high though; couldn’t face a human face without raising my mood from my suicide note mood).
I really want to quit smoking but, I remember too well what life was like before. It’s the same as it is now, only I’m ignorant of more things. I smoke and I notice […]
work and play have lost all meaning. The barriers between personal and professional life have shattered. It’s all the same crap now, junk that’s in between me and non-existence. I work and play but don’t put my heart into anymore; nothing feels good. I am Anhedonia.
I can’t live like this, my life is not so bad that I have any “good” reason to kill myself but it’s not good in any way either. It’s been good but I don’t enjoy things.
I can go home after working and sedate myself and do it all over again but why??! FUCK! Friends don’t mean much to me […]
I was randomly going through old poems and found this one I wrote one time on coke. It compares someone who used to be my friend, with myself. How she became homeless, and how it sucks both figuratively and literally. I named it “Drug Trip”. Fitting?
The world spins round
The clouds fall to the ground
Life stops, then starts again in secret
Hide life in the shaddows and watch it dissapear
Return to the light and fade away
Forget the dark, misfit the light, fall
She’s all alone, she hits the bone
Pierces through every nerve
Fall to the ground
Pretend the darkness doesn’t bound
You […]
At this moment I don’t know what I feel. It’s like my chest is being squeezed. I’m finding it hard to breathe. I can’t find the words to express how I feel, neither do I know how to write about them. My mind is empty, it feels like i can’t think anymore and the only thing I feel anymore is sadness, anger, or hate towards myself.
I never cry in front of people and today I cried in school. In front of a bunch of judgamental hypcrites. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, my desire to die is uncontrollable , it emerges at anytime. I […]
My dad hates me – he abandoned me. He never wanted me. dad left me and mom when I was about 2 years old so I really don’t remember – but I have a feeling he used to be fun – I seem to remember we used to play and laugh a lot. But I don’t really remember because I was so young. Mom says he left us because he hates us.
I did see dad a few times … the last time I was twelve … I’m 17 now. when I would see him He smiled and laughed and his eyes twinkled like they were […]
I can’t begin to explain how tired I am of everything. Â Tired of being a failure, tired of the loneliness, tired of feeling like an alien that doesn’t belong anywhere, tired of not having any money, tired of putting on a brave face, tired of my shitty family, tired of having “trusted” friends stabbing me in the back, tired of hurting, tired of being hurt, tired of the sadness, tired of missing the only man I ever loved, tired of having everything go wrong, tired of the holidays … most of all, I’m tired of living.
I know people keep saying that tomorrow is the start […]
Ummm well I kinda am new.. I once on a while read the post in this page.. and I just wanted to say hi… I don’t really know what to post right now.. but all I can say is that I also have felt this feeling of unending sadness.. Ive committed suicide a number of times.. and never have achieved success. I still feel the same way about my life.. I wish to disappear not remember anything.. Yet for some reason Im still here. I do not feel happy, maybe Im contempt that its not gotten harder, my life. Well I just want to say […]
Brothers and Sisters,
I have seen and felt your love in this website. It is encouraging to share with you all, even when at times we do not agree, but that is fine to me. I am not here for you to all agree with me, but to share with all of you how I feel, and what I want to say to you all.
I believe there is always hope for us. We all have heard this many times, and sometimes we become numb to this. However, I still say there’s hope. There’s a small shining ray of light in this darkness. This darkness of […]
This prayer really touched my heart.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
One word.
Obssessed.
With love.
Being loved.
Being cared about.
Being important.
Being noticed.
Prove I’m worthy.
Given a chance.
That’s all I want.
Why am I so different??
I want to be
A diamond in someones eyes.
Beautiful.
Loved.
Cared.
But it’s not gonna
Happen to me.
I’m not beautiful.
I’m not loved.
I’m not cared for.
I’m just someone
In the background.
Unimportant.
Unnoticed.