I’ve just needed to get this story off my chest. It’s been two years, and I’ve only told two friends and my councilor. This isn’t much of a story, but when I begin to think about suicide I remember the saving thought that I had. A lot of the time we feel so alone in the world. It can be for many reasons, but I think what I learned is, you’re not alone. No matter what you want to believe to make choosing suicide easier, you’re not alone, someone will still feel grief for you when you pass. For some people that’s not much of […]
So, suicide is a weird thing.
I don’t mean to offend anyone with the above statement so allow me to explain further.
Every day since it’s entered my brain that at some point whether in the near or later future, I will most certainly be ending my life, there has been a war inside my mind. Now, there has always been a war inside my mind. The devil and the angel on my shoulder..the good wolf and the bad wolf, we’ve all heard those examples and cliches, but all in all they sum it up. The good voice telling me I’m great and awesome and offer the […]
I’m so sick of just waking up to what the world has become now. I’m just a ball of hatred building up it’s sickening that society is so absolutely fucking pathetic. I could die right now and no one would even care. I look at the positive, but their are not many things pleasant to look at. I don’t have friends and am not close to anyone, people are all the same. People honestly disgust me on how they act there is no one decent on this fucking world its just self preservation.
After studying leastÂ painfulÂ suicide methods for many weeks now, Â I came toÂ conclusionÂ that properly done partial suspension hanging is the least painful way out. Â And I do have a proof. Â Â This morning Â I tried my noose that I made yesterday from strong leather belt with strong, large D-ring style buckle (one of those “Lewis” designs), Â to “try and see the fit”.
I had the noose hanging from a staircase railing, put it around my neck. Â I lowered my knees and the very moment when I felt the noose closing tightly around my neck veins (without choking me), Â I realized that this would be “it”. Â My […]
I guess we all have different reasons for being here. For me it keeps coming back to the same thing: I’m not convinced that life is a good thing.
All living things are born with some sort of survival instinct. But has anyone rationalized why we should want to live? I think it’s just some sort of selfish programming, like the desire to take whatever you want. In the case of taking things (stealing), we’ve learned to suppress that instinct. Mindless carnal instincts like rape & violence are mostly suppressed too. But still there’s that ridiculous “self preservation” thing that nobody ever questions.
Maybe I was born […]
Sex: No matter what trends come and go, no matter what the politicians, priests and parents tell you, sex will always be a priority.Â Scientists rank it as #2, just behind self preservation.Â Religions can tell you it’s good or bad, government can control it or liberate it, parents can condone it or forbid it…all in all, you’re still going to have sex.Â It is the primal urge that supersedes anything that anyone could ever teach you.Â It is the “animal” in us that refuses to die.
Drugs: The drugs referred to in the phrase “sex, drugs and rock and roll are considered “recreational drugs”.Â Most […]
THIS WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN IN APRIL 2012. I was still a lurker here back then.Â I didn’t have the confidence to share this.Â Â It paints a pretty accurate picture of where I was at back then.Â I thought someone may be interested.
MyÂ therapistÂ is correct.Â The two underlying threads of my life have been seeking approval, and escapism.Â When I don’t get approval, I need to escape.Â I can’t give myself approval as I feel it is not warranted, therefore my only option is to escape.Â If not getting the approval in my relationships that I feel I need, I usually escape by withdrawal.Â However, I have […]
Death dwells in the shadow just at your shoulder. You invited it in, you dined with it, you bathed with it, you lay with death.
Consumed by and consuming, death becomes both a path and a destination for you.
You write a final letter, a final note, and gulp down a bottle of pills, hoping it will all be over soon…
But not long for as you soon take you final step…
You call for help.
But wait, this makes no sense?
Why would you wish for death, plan for death, and attempt to kill yourself only to give up and try to save yourself in […]
It’s so strange… I mean, the way I feel… Am I depressed? I would say yes, but I ain’t that sure thats the right word to describe it. I got problems, many problems, but I’m forced too much to hide the real me and the things I really feel and I end up thinking that pretending it’s fucking okay for the sake of everyone keeping his quiet balance in his life. That’s fucking unfair, I can’t sacrifice myself just to prevent the people that surround me from breaking their peace.
I can’t convince myself that this is simply my life and this is all about […]
I sort of don’t want to write here, because whenever I read other people’s posts, I realise that I have so little to really complain about.Â But, at the same time, I just find it so hard to continue living my life.Â Again, and I know lots of people write this, but I don’t really want or expect any kind of comments on this post, I just need to say these things, because I have no one else to say them to, and I’m tired of the same shit just cycling around my head all day and all night.Â So here I go, getting it […]