Recently I found a pretty cool band on YouTube, called Smile Empty Soul. I can relate to most of the songs and lyrics so much, especially to self inflicted, a song that just tells the story of my life.
I’m glad that I found this song, although it makes me see how frustrating my life actually is and it reminds me of all the shit that happened again.
Still I can’t stop listening to this songs with that so fucking accurate lyrics.
So here it is, with the hope that some of you like it as well.
- Hard work
- Self pity
Your eyes, green
Freckled face, in a smile
Walking away, always
Sunny day, I think today
Gone again, again you’re gone
But sometimes we meet
Oh the joy, though quickly faded
Lie in the seat, poetry, jaded
I don’t really know what to do anymore. I tried to kill myself once. I’m sure this time I can do it right. I know what I messed up. I’m just tired of who I am. I’m fat, like 250lbs. I’m ugly. Its obvious. For the longest time I was ok so long as I thought I was intelligent or committed, but I don’t think I am anymore. Sure I was intelligent in High school, but that barely counts now. Not that anything I learned matters, when the only jobs I can get are in a restaurant or a call center.
And now I’m alone. I was dating a guy. We had sex. Then he just stopped talking to me. I guess thats all he wanted. So now I feel this constant aching pain in my chest, and I just want it to stop. Self harming only distracts me so much. Finding guys online to sleep with me so I don’t feel alone doesn’t help that much. Especially when you know they don’t love you, all they want is sex. But it seems nice to not be alone. Idk. I’m probably just going to fall asleep and ignore my problems some more. I don’t have to pay my bills for another, oh, weekish, so I have until then. I got fired so I have no money. Not sure what happens when you can’t pay for medical bills, rent, and a speeding ticket all at once. Who gets dibs on me? I’d rather not be around to find out.
Heart wide open
I’m am the chosen
Lost and broken
So many words left unspoken
Oh how I wish I was more outspoken
I try to sleep but I’m always awoken
Nightmares, eating at my soul, an empty soulless erosion
I have nothing left, I am emotionless
Make no motions
My mind reopens
Racing thoughts it’ll soon be an explosion
Self destruct in 3……2…….1….
From a rock to a brick, sand to glass… what would it mean of the mind or for man to turn his sights to being a brick and/or a glass unto himself? To use his every tool, his every object, and ergo; to use his every existence; his time and his mind! Man sees it within his nature or his ancestral talents that he is able to chisel a statue out of a mere rock yet he cannot chisel himself to such perfection and detail? What has him so fooled that he is not able to see the rocks and sands of this earth and his mind? In his youth he fell and learnt how to walk and now in his experience falling makes him the more dreadful of living! Does not the man who has learnt the most have the most scars, and what of the one who hasn’t any, is he not just like an infant but more foolish? Should man find himself, he shall find true enlightenment – he shall belong to himself!
The Dream Machine (this is just a pseudonym for legal copyright purposes) – do not steal!
My life has been full of it. Complete self destruction and as a result, I’ve burdened the people I care about. Who knew I’d become this, who knew I’d get to a point when I don’t care for my well being at all? I’d be doing everything on this planet a service if I kick the bucket. There’s a very good chance that will happen in time. One more big disappointment for my loved ones to go through and then no more.
My email is always open to anyone to needs to talk about anything:
Or just need a friend 🙂
The Dweller Alone by Stella Benson
My Self has grown too mad for me to master.
Craven, beyond what comfort I can find,
It cries: “Oh, God, I am stricken with disaster.”
Cries in the night: “I am stricken, I am blind….”
I will divorce it.Â I will make my dwelling
Far from my Self.
Not through these hind’ring tears
Will I see men’s tears shed.
Not with these ears
Will I hear news that tortures in the telling.
I will go seeking for my soul’s remotest
And stillest place.
For oh, I starve and thirst
To hear in quietness man’s passionate protest,
Against the doom with which his world is cursed.
Not my own wand’ringsâ€”not my own abidingsâ€”
Shall give my search a bias and a bent.
For me is no light moment of content,
For me no friend, no teller of the tidings.
The waves of endless time do sing and thunder
Upon the cliffs of space.
And on that sea I will sail forth, nor fear to sink thereunder.
Immeasurable time supporting me: That seaâ€”
that mother of a million summers.
Who bore with melody a million springs,
Shall sing for my enchantment, as she sings to
Life’s forsaken ones and death’s newcomers…
Look. Yonder stand the stars to banish anger.
And there the immortal years do laugh at pain.
And here is promise of a blessed languor,
To smooth at last the seas of time again.
And all those mothers’ sons who did recover
From death, do cry aloud:
“Ah, cease to mourn us.
To life and love you
claimed that you had borne us,
But we have found death kinder than a lover.”
I will divorce it fom my Self.
Alone it searches, amid dark ruins for its yesterday;
Beats with its hands upon the doors of churches,
And, at their altars, finds it cannot pray.
But I am freeâ€”
I am free.
Of blood, and weariness, and all things cruel.
I have sold my SelfÂ for the jewel
Of silence, and the shadow of a vision….
I just met someone a couple days ago and already they talking to me about their problems. Second person in a monthsâ€™ time. I must give off some kind of aura or something that people feel comfortable opening up to me soon after meeting me. Itâ€™s true, Iâ€™m trustworthy, I actually listen, I actually give a damn, and I wonâ€™t judge. Probably cause I deal with my own issues every day. I donâ€™t know.
So why canâ€™t I help myself? Am helping others to somehow try to help myself? Am I hoping than once Iâ€™ve helped them, they will turn around and help me? Ah, but they always move on with their life and leave me behind. And when they are talking about their problems, doesnâ€™t feel right to start talking about mine. I keep friendly face on, and be what they need me to be.
I donâ€™t mind listening and helping others. Itâ€™s not like I have anything better to do with my life. Too much compassion or something. Maybe if I could clone myself, then I could find what I need. Preferably a female version of myself.
Is this my purpose? To be a rock for others. To be someone they feel safe unloading their problems on. To be a friend? They always turn into one-sided friendships, cause they are never there me.
So much self doubt that I will survive these suicidal urges. Even my therapist is really worried about me. I can’t get suicide off my mind. Lately some issues have resurfaced that have caused me to start burning again and have me thinking of suicide almost constantly. These issues include relationships(romantic),fear of abandonment/rejection,boundaries,self hatred,etc…I keep having dreams/nightmares about suicide and think about suicide all day long. I watch videos on how to do it,videos about people who have committed suicide,videos about people who have survived suicide attempts and listen to songs about suicide. Several times lately I have had the knife to my wrist ready to kill myself. Obviously I have not done it. But I am really scared that one of these times I will not be able to stop myself. Sometimes these urges happen suddenly and can be very strong. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and also believe I am bipolar. I start dialectical behavior therapy in a few weeks. I do have an awesome therapist(Jessica) and have developed a strong bond with her and trust her completely.
I honestly hate myself more than someone could ever do 🙁 Why did i have to be born in this place and body , why do i have to suffer so much. I am not a normal person anymore, my body is starting to slowly die. I am pale and always cold, i dont go out anymore , all i do is lock myself in my dark room and barely eat anything. I am scared that it will hurt when i do it, but i decided that there is nothing left for me.
I hate looking myself at the mirror , it just reminds me of how i will never be good enough to be happy. I am so depressed that i cant even feel emotional pain anymore, i cant cry i just stopped feeling. There is absolutely no way that i can fix my life, it was ruined since the moment i was born.
I am genetically designedÂ Â for failure , everything in my life is a complete fail. Its not what i do or how i act, its who i am. My time in this world has ended and i honestly wish none ever feels the way i feel right now. I lost my soul.
Its happening soon, i am scared but i there is no turning back.
I hope this is the final revelation followed by action, for what is a revelation in itself? I see a universe inside me and there is a god there, he was’nt there when I was born but with each passing day he took birth and grew stronger. And I am not saying this in a good way. The loop is in me, there is a disconnect in my brain and it is tough to mend it.
The solution is to let me go. Beg for wishes like we always do, but this time beg your own self for things, for you are all there is. Believe me, you are the god. The all singing all dancing ruler of the world. I wish for music to be made by me, don’t ask this of god up above, just request this of yourself. The loop is in your head, the permission and the power lie there. I don’t think there are many believers of god who also contemplate suicide, but I don’t believe in God, and so many others don’t or are unsure, when the belief in the conventional god becomes absolute what happens is you surrender this part of your brain that has separated from you, hence you get released.
The other way to be absolved is to ask yourself to release me. Release me, I have felt it, my request to myself was processed as if it was a demand made by a third person, and I really did feel liberation, since that is my basic nature. Very recently i experienced the depth of my brain, I felt a loss of control and my body was wracked with muscle spasms, this started after I got a massive emotional shock and i consciously ordered my brain to behave a certain way. I am very young at this but for real, sing this song and ask your self to release yourself. To the night, one more revelation, one more try… release me——-
Its been heating up nicely in Pennsylvania. Had some ugly (obvious self harm) scars on my arm since last November. 5 of them, they made me sick. I was so fucked up (drunk) when I did them it was hazey to remember. I used a steak knife because I didn’t have a razor. Really tore the skin apart. (Saw fatty tissue) the next day I was fucking pissed. I let a fucked up shell of the worst of me scar me. The first month was bad. They wouldn’t heal. I thought I was going to have to stich it up myself with fishing line because theirs no way in fucking hell I was going to get stiched from a doctor and embarrass myself & my family. Plus theirs no way my family would pay for something like that. (You made your bed, you sleep in it) After getting to the point where parts of flesh in the wound looked like decaying flesh (because it was) they eventually closed up… it was December then. I could easily wear long sleeve and hoodies around. Everywhere. During this time I knew I had to get rid of them. I read about Mederma, people said it worked. The bottle cost like 20 bucks but I just said whatever and took one from walmart. It made the skin softer and helped reduce the redness a little but not effective enough. I was using it as often as I could too. I noticed that while using it it peeled the smallest piece of skin off the scar. That’s when the solution hit me! Peeling. Out with the old in with the new! Did some reading found out that dermabrasion was effective for scars. Wasn’t about to go to a dermatologist so I broke out the fucking sand paper! Want to talk about pain? Don’t cut yourself. Sand your scars off. You’ll never cut again To make a long story short its almost June and they are getting less and less noticeable. This was a long process of healing and ripping of the scarred skin. I’m NOT planning to wear long sleeve all summer. No pain, no gain. This is punishment that taught a good lesson though. Never cut yourself unless you want to sand your skin off. Or wear long sleeves all summer making everyone debate on if your a cutter or a heroin addict. Or you can never go outside and have a life again. Needless to say if people see your scars they’ll judge you as weak. Not me though because Id fuck up my friends if I had to. Hahaa, They just know me as an insane fucker who does some extreme things. Needless to say. Don’t do it because I’ve had my share of shit circumstances in life and self harm will NEVER help you.