I’ve had enough. I’m done trying to prove myself. Or trying to please you. “Listen here you little *****,” is that what I am to you? A *****? I stopped being your daughter years ago. Even before I truly realized it. You thought I was messing with your head then? I’m not sick like you. The whole damn family knew you cared more about your boyfriends then you did me. “I’ve written my resignation letter twice Cierra!” Wanna know how many times I’ve written my suicide letter? I deserve to be treated better. I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t clean my room well enough? […]
Tag:
the house
Letter to nobody
I have been started to write a letter or something similar about my thoughts maybe someone will understand the pain inside
I am an immigrant from east, arrived in Belgium for a better life, but the things did not work that way, they just went down the drain slowly. I work in a computer store, giving other people advices about how to run computers, fixing it problems something like .it was fun at the beginning because this is a thing I like to do the whole it thing, but slowly it is not working anymore.
My wife and I arrived in Belgium to make a […]
I’m afraid of life and all the terrible things that can happen to me. My two worst fears right now are (1)being raped and getting pregnant and (2)being paralyzed from the neck down. I don’t really get that much satisfaction from living anyway. I love the guarantee of peace that death brings. Honestly, i jaunt want to escape the world. I don’t see the point in going through the motions of life when I can just end my miserable existence as soon as possible.
I plan on ending my own life as soon as I get my hands on some sleeping pills and have the house […]
I hate living alone. I hate knowing no one is ever going to walk through the door besides me. I hate never feeling anyone else’s energy in the house. I’m going crazy.
Let’s just say, the last six years of my life haven’t been easy.. and now I’m at a point in life where I’m starting to struggle. When I was fourteen, I lost my mum to cancer, and that was when my world started to come crashing down. I went off the rails.. I spent all of my time drinking, taking drugs, trying to shut everything out and for a while it worked. That was until my brother got ill, since we’d lost mum, he was severely depressed and wouldn’t leave the house. He started to act strange and had a few episodes in which he […]
I think a lot about killing myself. Not like a point on a map, but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show that’s never been quite bad enough to make me wanna leave. See, when I’m up I don’t kill myself because holy shit- there is SO much left to do. And when I’m down I don’t kill myself because then the sadness would be over, and the sadness is my old paint under the new. The sadness is the house fire or the broken shoulder, I’d still be me without it, but I’d be so boring. – Neil Hilborn, “The Future”
today i smoked the last of my weed in a awsom pipe i found kicking around the house today i met a new guy whos odvs a shrink but hes a yank and “hip and cool as was in us airborn” hes ok to nice though… today…. today i cryed cos im in tret of loseing the girl i lov theres biger problems in the world than my love life tthat i haft to worry about like my frends who is crying cos she was raped on the 5 haveing been were shes at i know how shes feeling it neverchanges all the people cry the […]
Why does it hurts so much to wake up?
Its because we were having a good dream, or just becuese we return back to life.
Today i woke up and drank the first pill even before breakfast, i headed to the kitchen asking myself if that living full of pills its living at all? Well i took some breakfast and returned ti bed, yes thats where i am, i want to cry and i want to scream, but shhhh, there is more people in the house we are not alone, and as the time go by i still look to the backyard, seeking, hoping to se something […]
How do you tell them?
How do you tell them that you don’t want help?
How do you tell them that you don’t want to find a new job?
How do you tell them you don’t want to find someone else?
How do you tell them you don’t want to move away again?
How do you tell them you don’t want to start over?
How do you tell them you don’t even want to leave the house?
How do you tell them you don’t want to sleep?
How do you tell them you don’t want to be awake?
How do you tell them that none of those things make the emptiness go away?
How do tell […]
You know what I did and you know what I saw. I know your going to leave me high and dry, I saw you telling her. Everyone’s telling you to leave me I know. I’m tired of the name calling, crying ,memories and the attempted exertion of power and control we have with each other. You win! And you are correct, I am nothing and have nothing. I am sorry my loved one, but I cleaned the house for you and did your washing so it won’t be too hard for you. Sorry mum and dad I didn’t want to leave you with this after […]
I’ve been gone for a while. i was better, or i thought i was better. i guess not. i went to training this summer to be a camp counsellor. i met so many friends and i stopped self harming. i was happy for the first time in years. but now, it’s suddenly hit down like a pile of bricks and i dont even have the energy to leave the house or talk to anyone. i have absolutely nobody to talk to and no friends left who care. i started cutting again. i feel so completely alone and this crushing feeling of sadness won’t go away. […]
About a month ago I OD’d on heroin and wound up in the hospital. Ever since I’ve been getting what I think are panic attacks, where I feel like I can’t breathe and that I’m about to suffocate. Even in A&E the psychologist didn’t take me seriously but I am seriously messed up… I’ve been waiting 2 months to see a psychiatrist after stating I was suicidal because she cancels the appointments but I can’t sleep for days, I have auditory hallucinations (hear people say things about me when they’re not), extreme paranoia and I’m afraid to leave the house. If that ***** has the […]
What do you really care for me bastard? You spend your whole lunch hour speaking to your ex. I bet you never called her an ugly slut bastard. I bet you didn’t come home and belittle her bastard. What am I to you bastard? A means to live and eat until your compensation comes through bastard? Did you ever flick ciggerettes at her bastard? Did you ever pour beer on her head bastard? I’ll show you and your ex bastard! I can’t legally get you to leave the house bastard but once you open that bedroom door this afternoon and find my pale body hanging […]
What a fine day to wake up grey. The color leached from me while I was asleep. I am the uncolored thing moving about the house today.
I want to see red. The only color left is underneath and sometimes I need to see it. I have an itch where the portal lies and I drink coffee and fantasize about opening it with a knife.
I’m sick of the masquerade that makes me invent little accidents to justify the damage to my exterior. Everyone knows I have to open up and let the color out every now and then. And despite the subtle brutality of […]
Life is tough even on our own but I assure you it is much easier solo. How do you please one that cannot be pleased because they secretly yearn for their ex fiancé and children. I did not take them from you, she did. I am only here as a pathetic replacement, I can understand that. I am very aware I do not and can not provide you with the same stability and domestic service. I am a young woman with bipolar and it is hard enough to take care of myself and my house financially let alone you also. I do not have the […]
Have you ever felt so ugly and unwanted, that you couldn’t leave the house? You feel as if everyone is staring at you, wondering why you look this way instead of that way. I worry about that every day, and it’s gradually getting worse. I can’t leave the house most days. I haven’t always hated my appearance, it became noticable when I began to truly notice my appearance. I’m 13, and I have alopecia. During the summer, my hair started to get noticably thinner and now it’s almost completely gone. My mother thought it’d save my confidence if we just shaved it all- which in […]
Two nights ago I nearly died from an overdose. Before I took the drug I was suicidal but as I was ODing I freaked out and did everything to survive. The entire next day I was so relieved to be alive and felt that this was the turning point I needed. That night I felt myself change back, and all the depression and insecurities slipped back in. Today I find myself wishing that I did die because I am faced with constant reminders that I am useless and will never live a satisfactory life. I’m sitting here thirsty, starving and unable to go to the […]
I had court today for my divorce proceedings. We reached an agreement whereby I will keep the house and my daughter will not be uprooted. I am willing to postpone my departure date of August 8 to see how things pan out.
For the uninitiated, narcissism is a personality disorder that has (almost) nothing to do with vanity, as we commonly understand it. In a nutshell, “their behavior tends to be erratic, manipulative and centered around themselves. In some cases, a person suffering from this condition can become both physically and emotionally abusive…”
“Typically, those with this condition are unable to relate to the emotions of other people, and see any form of criticism as a personal attack. They may react with extreme rage or violence in these situations, or turn the words of their perceived attacker around to make themselves look like victims.”
A little background: my mother […]
I find out Thursday if I’m going to lose my house in the divorce. He has spent well over $100,000 of my money and jerks off to “Rape Galaxy,” yet is a very prominent person in the Jewish world. I’m not starting my life all over again at 50. He can have the house so my daughter can continue to be raised here. August 8 can’t come soon enough.