I feel like crashing into a tree. Thoughts?
What I did while in a dark ugly pit for four days:
— After not eating for a whole day, parked in the cemetery and listened to THIS until the sun went down. It’s my number one dark-pit-of-depression song because the warped ugliness is so obvious, and the video is bizarre.
— Took what I hoped was a lethal dose of Tramadol. Didn’t receive a lot of SP notice and ended up deleting the post, figuring I might as well go on my own. Also deleted the previous post about leaving a suicide note. No comments on that one anyway. Considered driving with a brain […]
I was standing outside staring at a tree and realized that tree was doing more for the world than I am. There’s no reason for me to be here I have nothing to offer. My life’s a joke.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I have so much I want to say. You don’t know me at all. But for now all I’ll say is this.
i asked my mom for three things for Christmas. Three little things. I wanted to drive an hour to see a light display. I wanted a small tabletop tree to decorate and I wanted no gifts, from anyone. She did none of this. We have no tree. I didn’t and won’t get to see the light display. And I have gifts from my grandparents and am elderly great aunt and uncle waiting. I don’t feel worthy of gifts from these people. I am chronically […]
I don’t think I’ve felt complete in years. All there. Like something gnawing at my brain — chewing on it. A hamster or a rat just munching away bit by torturous bit. Like watching a horror movie where everyone dies at the end — you know — but you have to watch them die one by one. Or that moment on a beach when you see the water pull out for a couple kilometers out and it dawns on you — you’re impending doom […]
Last year I was so lost, depressed and broken that I decided it was my time to leave this world. I wrote my letter, cleaned my room, grabbed the rope, jumped out my window and ran. I went into a forrest, began to tie the rope around the tree and then around my neck. In front of me was a massive empty, dark field. Behind me was a giant fence with houses behind it. I saw flash lights in the corner of the field in front of me so decided I needed to jump right away but then I heard a bang from above me. […]
Her long body made an indent upon the small bits of clover and grasses as she propped herself up on her elbows. What in the actual fuck is she going to write about today? All her brain is shooting are blanks, and her fingers feel awkward as they hit each computer key. It’s like trying to thread a tree trunk through the eye of a needle. “O” by Coldplay blares into her ears as her brain desperately tries to make something beautiful, something stunning, just something… But that’s the thing about making something beautiful. You cannot force it. Beauty comes from patience and time and […]
I have never been alright and I never will be alright.
And tonight I lack the strength to even move
When you walked, now watch me die
But I know this is harder for you
For love has let you down and come on
And no, you’re not alone
And the road ahead is lined with broken dreams
So walk, yeah, walk on by
And I failed to give you everything you need
For the fear’s behind your eyes
When I cant feel you
I’m not alright, not alright
When I cant heal you
I’m not alright, I’m not alright, I’m not alright
When I cant feel you
I’m […]
once upon a time
… there was a girl , soo confident one , passionate , strong , powerful , attractive , with a SMILE upon her face all the time … she was drawing on a wall … drawing a TREE and a CROW …
listening to Breaking Benjamin “Had Enough” song named …
a guy … we’re staring at her .. with an idiot look .. looked soo stupid to her ,, and she didn’t care …
then she had a cup of coffee with him and few friends .. he was a friend of hers .. he tried to impress her .. so he said he […]
Or maybe I just need to drive my car into that tree off of the highway.
Where do I start?
In a way I feel I have no right to be here. I’ve tried talking to others but repeatedly told my problems aren’t as bad as my sisters. Just first born problems I guess, feeling sorry for myself. I can’t fuck-ass around anymore, this is reality. As if I need to be told. Is my parent’s divorce reality enough? How about my sisters cutting, real enough for ya? how about not being able to sleep without feeling guilty about something: being a burden to my dad, an ungrateful daughter to my psychotic mum(emotional blackmailer, physically abusive to my sister and dad, compulsive […]
I’ve suffered from depression since I was a little girl. My real father molested me, abused me physically and emotionally, practically leaving me scarred for life. I’m now 15 years old and about to finish my freshmen year of high school.
Now here’s that twist that brought me here:
I started cutting when I was 10. It was a complete accident, I was working with my step dad and cut my hand. We bandaged it up, but that feeling of something like relief stayed with me. Suddenly, I’d purposely find ways to get myself injured. I’d bump into tables, fall off my skateboard, jump from a tree; […]
You complete me, T
I want to fill your ass with semen in it’s entire T.
Yes you inspire me, perhaps it’s your sensuali T.
Yes, you will see, it’s your oppourtuni T,
I need to embrace thee. There is no shame in modes T,
I need to say what is true to me. You are the pinnacle of sexuali T.
I will be your tree, anchored with roots of stabili T.
Whether you are he or she, I will stay by you for eterni T.
I love you to the the 3rd degree, and all of your ecentrici T
So come let’s be free from the restraints of socie T
Live with me in […]
Hey, Dead Girl!! Don’t cry for me.
It was a tragic existence,
this life you leave.
No ones to blame , but this for sure,
They hated your beauty, something you misunderstood.
You lived in a Bird cage on your own accord.
A cage of ugliness,
With an unlocked door.
They called you “fat”
They called you “whore”
But it was false, you never felt the touch of a lovers hand before.
So….. To your tormentors,
You sow the seeds of that mornings ghastly, ghoulish deed.
It was at the bus stop,
For your prosecutors to see.
You hang by your neck,
From the […]
Who’s to say the way that I think is wrong?
It may be different to you, but why is different wrong?
Maybe I’m a step above you on the evolutionary tree.
Compassion is a trait commonly found in the losing side.
“Have you thought about harming anyone besides yourself?” Frequently.
“What do these thoughts consist of?” I want to know what their insides look like on the outside.
The disgust in your eyes. The way your lip curls without you even noticing.
I’m what you’d look like if you didn’t care so damned much.
don’t you dare label me
Read a children’s book called “The giving tree” and I realized how cynical I am. But honestly am I cynical?? The worst is reality is it not? Of course there are brief moments of selflessness and kindness in the world but those are hard to come by. The book angered me, it made me feel pity because I saw myself as the tree. This tree that gave absolutely everything it had to a person who could careless. Yet even in the end, after everything the tree was still stupidly happy. I’m fucked up in so many ways that sometimes I don’t know if I can […]
It’s raining
I used to love the sound of rain. It calmed me. It drizzled through the leaves in the tree in the rose garden when we huddled together and ate sushi one afternoon. That is all gone now. Gone forever.
It’s raining
I can see her dancing in the yard with nothing but a big floppy hat. The rain made her happy. It washed away all of her tears and all of her fears. There are no more tears. She is no more.
It’s raining
How I loved to walk in the rain. Walking for miles on end. I could leave everything I hated, and that […]
The leaves are blowing past my window; each of them a tiny leap of faith off the tree to their golden death below. A beautiful suicide…
Unlike me.
I made the leap off the tree. I tried my best to fall to the ground, graceful and sweet… But I got scared. I turned around and held on again.
A life spent living for death, but too afraid to die.
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to fall to the ground or if I’ll just rot away on the limb…
Performance anxiety… I have a presentation for school coming up, it’s on PTSD and I am comfortable with that topic but I am terrified about speaking in front of my classmates. College sucks, for real. It is not like speaking for work when I do that in public, though that terrifies me as well. I need tips. I have suicide as my out constantly but what the hell! Why should I let a stupid presentation kill me. Shouldn’t something romantic kill me? Anyways, I am really impulsive and I keep envisioning my car racing headlong into a tree the night of this presentation… I am […]
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