When you get to the point where there is no relief, and all your brain does is torture you, it is time to get the fuck off this hell hole. PTSD I would not wish on my worst enemy nor the constant anxiety and dark bad thoughts. The sexual abuse of children is a societal evil society denies. I cast God into the tormenting hell he put me in, and lock the door on his sadism. God doesn’t give a fuck about me. I cast out my father’s evil voice and these GD demons, b/c they are no better than God. They are worse, but […]
Tag:
voice
The deep voice within my mind is stuck on repeat. “Let me out” “get me out of here” as I sit here alone with the thoughts of my head and brain exploding. Leaving me (my mind) to be set free from this head, this body
I thought I was going to bed, but I can’t…
So, I thought… I may rant a bit… you guys can just ignore this if ya want.
But, I don’t know what the kids at the fucking elementary school are teaching my niece and nephew to say, but if I hear the word “puta” one more fucking time I’m going to knock someones teeth down their god damned throat.
It brings up… really… bad… memories for me.
My cousins are fluent in Spanish, and well, the one who raped me… Called me “puta” when I cried about it…
and all I can hear when people say it is their voice, […]
Hate is what we possess there is no other way scapegoats got us no where captured as the lies within us we’re trapped nothing in between us go on, come closer follow my soft spoken voice, I dare you I can almost hear you breathing in silence your heart beats touched by the cruel chill of your presence I’m burning, fading into dust of ashes blowing in the wind you’ve ripped me apart covered with pale white shrouds being deprived of your absence has ordered my withdraw I am no longer searching left alone lifeless goodbye my love, I hate you.
I wish the stars would shine the way they did when you and I were one. The world seems lonely now, the nights are filled with silence. There is an emptiness all around me. The skies are darker now, the nights are longer now. In the silence I strain to hear your voice again but all there is, is darkness. The night grows cold, the flames we kindled are no more. You were the light that lit the skies, that filled my heart with joy. You made the stars shine brighter, you gave the night a warmer glow. I wish the nights were ours again, […]
I’ve been fighting this off for decades. I’ve had a couple of failed attempts not because I didn’t make a real effort but because something always happened to stop. Now, I’ve lost everything which I had gained and nothing left has any value except my children but that’s no longer enough. I want death and to be out fem this pain and suffering. The reasons are numerable but the answers are empty as to why to keep going. I just want out. I don’t know why I’m writing. I suspect it’s just to get through the next moments and maybe the day. If I can […]
This time when I cut, I regressed to cutting my left shoulder, as I was wont to do years ago. I slit superficial lines between the iron cross, making the black ink of the tattoo glisten prettily. I wish I had taken that razor and slit my goddamn throat. But I am a gutless *****, too afraid of what could happen to me if I do it. So there are 14 lines, some longer than others, some deeper than others. All easily hidden by my shirt sleeve.
HOW FUCKING DARE YOU BLAME ME FOR WHAT HAPPENED??!! The fall wasn’t my fault. “You’ve got to hold on […]
I love yur smile yur eyes the fact yu think yur hair is blonde yur jaw line Yur muscles yur body yur teeth yur funny af yu don’t care abt people that don’t matter yu care for the ones close to yu that yu love I love how sometimes yu stand lik a ****** I love yur voice cuz I’ve never hear anyone even slightly similar to yu :3 I love yur huge head I love the way yu wrap yur arms around me and don’t let me go even when it pisses me off I love how yur so different I can learn something […]
A constant question I ask.. How did I get here? How did I get to this empty dark place? A few ppl have said that I am not to blame for my past. But what if I fought harder to prevent all this torture I have now? What if I could’ve prevented the nightmares and seeing his face feeling his hands and his breath. Smelling his disgusting sweat and hearing his disturbing voice? What if I am the one to blame? I feel as though he shouldn’t get away with all he did while I sit and remember every last thing.. Yet he has no […]
He is imperfect. Short, freckled, quiet. Intelligent with stunning blue eyes. Depressed and anxious. Heart broken and ostracized.
To me he is perfect. But he has been gone for quite some time now, locked away in a mental hospital I know he abhors. I didn’t know how much he meant to me until he wasn’t there. My days became more dull, I stopped smiling as much. I became sensitive, I holed up in my room, dreaming impossible dreams of a life with him.
I began to forget his voice. His beautiful face. His small stature compared to my tall one. The notes we would write each other […]
The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.
—Even […]
So many times I’ve been told “it gets better”. In my case, it eventually will, but it could take 5 years or longer, and I can’t make it for that long. For those 5+ years, I’ll be stuck with my own body making my life hell. I can’t have relationships, I can’t do a lot of the things I want to do, getting dressed or hearing the sound of my own voice will be torture, just like it has been for so many years already.
I already tried to end it before, only a few months ago. I collected painkillers, but I quickly realised that I […]
i can feel myself slipping and it’s terrible. i know i should care, i know it should matter, but battling this other voice in my head just gets harder everyday
i’m not supposed to use the word ‘should.’ well, “it would be nice” if i didn’t think about this all the time. it would be nice if i had any self-control whatsoever. it would also be nice if i could remember and apply anything you taught me. it would be nice if i weren’t so self-destructive, if there wasn’t so much hatred, all the time. it would also be nice if the simple fact that […]
I’ve lost count of the years since he’s been gone, but today marks another. Today, October 25, 2014 is my soul mate’s 19 birthday. Every day I think of him and every time I do I ache to hear his voice again. I’ve been doing pretty good with my depression, even got a new boyfriend…but every time this day rolls around…my resolve breaks. I realize everything I’ve done and built is nothing and worthless. Nothing is the same without him and it never will be. I’ve never felt so miserable over someone before for so long…his loss has made me unable to care or love […]
The landscape was dry and dead. The roses that had grown in giant bushels were wilting and grey…the bee’s, once so full of life and sound, were silent and still…as were the other animals. The babbling brook that normally sang its cheerful melody in its beautiful voice had disappeared…leaving behind a trench of much and slime. The grass had turned brown from lack of rain and sunlight. The sky was over cased and dark, not one ray of sun had a hope of peeking through the dense clouds. The air was thick and hard to breath, it felt like it clung to your insides after […]
I watch you listen to me,
but do you really hear me?
You use that sweet tone of voice, I’m sure that everyone gets,
I want to trust you, but your eyes are full of judgment and pity.
I am seeking help, but I am sure this is going to doom me.
I have nothing to say, I am choking on my tears.
I am so desperately looking for the solution to fix this problem.
So I posted before on another account that I would attempt the dehydration suicide method. I said I would check in a hotel on my forth day of drinking and eating nothing. I did but it was on the 6th day. I took some things with me in a backpack like clothes my toothbrush mouthwash moisturizer and my note in a sealed envelope. I was feeling very weak already I had to raise my voice a little because I couldn’t hear myself and no one could, I was just confused the whole time. The people who saw me I guess they thought I’ve always been […]
You ever feel so empty that you begin to suck yourself into this abyss? You wish you could blame them and sometimes you do; but there’s always that tiny little voice that reminds you that it’s actually your fault, that you did this to yourself. And you know that voice is a LIE; you scream it to yourself everyday that that voice is trying to push you past the point of no return, but the voice sounds so right that eventually you think of the nearby overpass and wonder if it would hurt if you fell. And the most stupid thing about all this is […]
I best introduce myself first, I’ve been bouncing on and off with depression for quite some time now and have now reached the age of 34. As a teenager my mates took drugs and i eventually caved in at 14 and started what i thought was a softer drug and began smoking cannabis which then led me onto higher things like magic mushrooms etc. After being led down a life of crime i broke away and became leading an almost normal life over the age of twenty, marijuana being my main fault line. It wasn’t until a few years ago i started recognising the inner […]
I cry, but I shed no tears
I’m hurting, but I’m not bleeding
I’m dying, but my body’s surviving
I’ve been broken, but my scars don’t show
I’m withering away, but my body’s still ageing
I’ve lost sight of a future, but I am not blind
I cannot voice my angst, but I am not mute
I feel numb inside, but I can still feel my heart beating
I’ve lost my motivation, but I am still walking
I cannot breathe, but my lungs are still functioning
I cannot feel, but my pain still taunts me
I’ve lost the war, but I am still fighting my battle