it feels weird being back on this website, but Im back to the place where i need it.
i guess a little update on my life then, although Im pretty sure nobody cares.
lately, like in the past month or so, Ive been more depressed than i ever have been in my whole entire life. even though Im living at my dads now, which is everything i wanted, it still didnt fix anything. i pushed away all my friends and family and i just sit in my room all day watching YouTube videos. I cant even think about the future anymore, even though everyone […]
Life is really , weird , I’m done with with everything . It’s just over , dealing with this shit has made me sick , it feels worse , I’ve lost all my interest in every single damn thing , dealing with the shit your parents are giving u … I don’t understand what the hell is wrong with me ,, this shit is over man , suicide is the only option left maybe.Today I stood at the end of the Cliff , nd yelled loudly . I just wanned to jump off it nd wanted to feel the warm blood […]
I’ve been taking 10 advils (ibuprofen) 200 mg each every day and i have no idea why.
I’ve been telling myself that it’s because i like the pain but i know that’s not true
Maybe it’s because it will probably end up killing me. I always wanted to know what it would be like to die
I had an appointment with my mental health team again today, or something that resembled that, as it was agnes again, the women who’s job a monkey could do, which sounds cruel I know, but she studied for what three to five years to be a counsellor, yet displays no professional skill, its like talking to one of my mums friends, or some women who just walked in off the street
To be honest I was in a mood, she started off by saying ‘what a lovely day, good day to get some washing out, do you ever hang out washing’ I didn’t reply, so […]
all of my life i have felt really dumb and i didnt know what to do.it got worst in fifth grade people bullied me and made fun of me i really didnt understand why… until one day i couldnt take it anymore thats when self harming came in…. for three full years i have self harmed and it is very hard to stop. i finally 3 months ago.i never have ben this happy.all of my life…… i was a depressed little girl until 3 months ago.im set free. finally i know why i was depressed because of my past and what i have seen.from a […]
It’s not the first time
My family has caused these thoughts
The thoughts of jumping
They wouldn’t care
They don’t care
They never did
They never will
They’ll never love
They’ll never care
Regardless of what people say
My family doesn’t love me
They glare at me
Wish I was better
I’m not good enough for them
I have the wrong taste in music
Disgusting fashion style
The way I think is awful
All they ever wanted was a perfect daughter
They got my sister
But then the mistake came
Me
And now they can’t live with me
So they hurt me
Glare at me
Alone with her thoughts
Alone in her room
Little did she know
Her story would end soon
No more sadness
No more pain
No more purging
To stop the gain
She sees her body
She hates each mark
Can’t stand the sight
So she lays in the dark
She cries in the night
And finds her blade
She thinks of every
Mistake she’s made
She begins to think
She’s better off dead
The thought of being
Rushes through her head
She grabbed some pills
And a small red cup
She wanted to fall asleep
And never wake up
Empty the bottle
Down each pill
Soon she will be
Forever still
She was sad to go
But it was for the best
She got what she wanted
Eternal rest
I started talking to this boy named Michael since I was in 7th grade & he was in 9th.. All was good we went talking off & on, he was so in love with me but we had never officially met in person so I was kind of iffy & kinda pushed him away.. Years pasted by & once I started high school he was a junior of course & me & him started to get close again.. But the times we hadn’t talked he had got a girlfriend & they had been together for 9 months.. & I was sure he was in love […]
This is my depression story. The following is a shortened version of my journals. I was 13 years old when I wrote them.
Journal 2013
On march 2, 2013 I decided to “get better” I don’t know hep else to put it xD
on March 3rd, 2013 I told my mum about the (kinda) cutting but not the suicidal thoughts
4th of March: “I am not happy nor sad right now, I feel almost detached from everything” “I am happy for Nicole (she was my best friend in 7-8th grade) but it feels like everyone is moving on while I’m left behind…I feel invisible, a […]
All i remember from my childhood is fighting. There was so much hatred in my family…in elementary school my parents got so bad i was scared i’d come home and my dad would be dead. He used to threaten it all the time. I remember things getting broken and walls being punched along with windows. My mom would constantly take me and my siblings away and threaten to not come back we’d stay at her best friends house but i began to get absolutely sick of it in 6th grade my parents were arguing so bad my dad walked to my brothers elementary school and […]
I have offically liquidated all assets. Erased all memory of my existance. What I leave behind are peoples memories, and a beautiful child. I’m The last of 5, I was ignored. Made my existance and recognition on my time. I seriously lived life to my fullest. It has now collapsed after 18 yrs. For months ive debated how. No one is going with me, seriously, not my style. Ive lived alot and had a lot ive called my own. With no serious plan for the future other than day by day, I realize my error. We choose who we are. I lived in secrets and […]
My mother is a narcissist. My mother is a professional victim. My mother is a fine actress although she’s never been on stage. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to breathe without her permission, input, critique, or criticism. She convinced people that she was a loving mother — a little overprotective, perhaps — but a loving mother and a devoted, long-suffering wife. All that came out of her mouth were sighs of her having to endure my volatile father and her shit daughter. Not my sister — she went to medical school so she’s an expert on every subject. I’m the lawyer, and hence, the moron in the family. My daughter and I […]
¿What’s the point of having me at your feet?  If my today, my tomorrow lost the battle of your yesterday.
Now at 23, this summer will mark a full decade of long standing depression, at least from the clinical diagnosis. I can’t remember my emotions any younger than that, since my upbringing was filled with abuse and solitude. I find myself wondering, is this it? Year after year I find myself surprised at how time passes and the fact that I’ve managed to unhappily  live through another year. And it scares me. Will I just be floating on through life like this until I’m forty, fifty, sixty?
Though I’ve only been in treatment (meds, psychologists, hospitals) Â for five years, I don’t know what more I can […]
Loved someone with every ounce of your existence? And despite how you feel, have that person and people around you tell you that it isn’t really love. I admit it I am controlling, not because I had no control over my childhood or anything like that. But because I want to control the pain that I will feel. I didn’t and still don’t want to feel any type of love for anyone because I don’t want to hurt. I never trusted anyone I built the biggest of walls and yet one person got through to me. It was magic it was love it was the […]
There are a long list of things we are not allowed to say, and feelings we are not allowed to feel. Isn’t that true my fellow slaves? You did know you’re slaves, right? From the moment you’re born you are a slave to your parents and to this society. That is why what we say and feel must be regulated. That is why dissenters must be outcast as “evil” horrible people. Because in order to keep the system going, we can’t have dissent. Dissent wakes people’s minds up, and awake people rebel, and what society fears most, is rebellion. “Being born is like being kidnapped […]
When I started my first post.. I thought it might get easier talking. It just gets harder. My parents absolutely hate me. You may think I exaggerate this but they do. I can never do anything right, my life is just one big fuck up. I don’t deserve to put them through this pain and stress. I don’t deserve anything. I’m a spoiled brat. I have nothing going for me. I just want it to be over, I just want to have a gun in my hand to end all this misery. I wish I had some way just to kill myself. The more I […]
All of this stuff that they say I have to look forward to, this amazing life that they say I’ll have. But the way I feel will never change. It’s bullshit, I’ll always be fat and vile. No one will want me. I’ll never be happy and smiling at festivals surrounded by people who want the best for me. I’ll always be in my room depressed and waiting for it all to change – to end. Curtains closed, hidden under the covers. It’s never going to happen. So what is the point. For someone who craves death so much yes I’ll admit I am scared. […]
I have difficulties expressing myself through writing. so I’m just gonna do it like this.
– I panic inside my body cause I feel claustrophobic. My body aches all the time and I have a constant headache and chest ache.
= I. just. want. out.
– I have no interest in a future what so ever. I don’t want to study, meet new people or get married and have kids. I have not had a moment in years and years that I could feel happiness and joy.
– I am not interested in anything. No hobbies that can take my away from the pain just for a […]
Hi all.
I am new to this (TSP).
Since yesterday  have been in my room in front of my laptop searching, reading, and hoping. Wanting more than anything to find the solution to what I have always wanted: to die. For a few hours I thought I had found the way out. Twelve hours later, more reading and planning shattered my plans. I thought that finally I would have a successful suicide. Now I am desperate and frantically searching for another way to end my life.
As I write this, I am looking at my cat explore my desk. She makes me smile. She may be the only […]