Death has been on my mind for quite some time now. a few years ago I never would have utter the words wanting to die, just let me be able to kill myself. now the words just come so easy and i just feel like I am getting so close to the edge. I think it is a possibility that I will have the strength to do it. Everyday is something new that just keeps adding to the pile of shit that is already on top of me. I feel so worthless like nothing I do matters. Nobody has time for me when I need […]
Tag:
wanting
so i burned myself the other day feel like doing it again cause im not satisfied with the amount of damage.school is also tommorow dont know why im trying again at something im bound to fail at.I want to do good but you cant live in the world if you dont want to live in the world.
I do have good reasons for wanting to leave.My whole family is alive and i dont want to watch them die in the next ten years.I want things to like pause forever and the only way i can do that is by dying.this world is crazy nobody is […]
I can’t describe myself in 5 words. I’m too messed up. I seem like I have a good life. I don’t. I project it well. I guess I have had a lot of practice. I want so desperately to live and enjoy every second of life but I can’t. I feel like I’m in so much pain it no longer seems bearable.
Ill go back… I was a bad teenager. I did drugs was wild and had so much fun. I got in with a bad crowd and caused so much heartache for my family. I lived anywhere I could for a few years. I drank […]
BY ANNE SEXTON
Since you ask, most days I cannot remember.
I walk in my clothing, unmarked by that voyage.
Then the almost unnameable lust returns.
Even then I have nothing against life.
I know well the grass blades you mention,
the furniture you have placed under the sun.
But suicides have a special language.
Like carpenters they want to know which tools.
They never ask why build.
Twice I have so simply declared myself,
have possessed the enemy, eaten the enemy,
have taken on his craft, his magic.
In this way, heavy and thoughtful,
warmer than oil or water,
I have rested, drooling at the mouth-hole.
I did not think […]
I tried hanging myself the other day. I wanted everything to be over. I was tired of suffering the way I was. It goes so beyond depression, too. I suffer from schizophrenia, which is like the worst thing ever. I also suffer from Sickle Cell Anemia. So in addition to seeing and hearing things, I have intense pain all over my body. I can hardly get out of bed some days. I hate myself. I feel like I’m hiding behind all of it, wanting people to feel sorry for me.
The belt I used to hang myself broke as I began to lose consciousness. So I […]
everyday I plan a new escape route. This window, or that rope? This blade, or the bathtub, maybe? It scares the living shit out of me but it’s the only thing I’m 100% certain about. Death is the only thing that I feel is real. Death is the only thing I can relate too. Death is the only thing I see in my future. It’s the one thing I know I can do, it’s the one thing I know I won’t fuck up. People tell me every day that I’m selfish for wanting to end my life. but it’s pretty fucking selfish to force somebody […]
So, I have to write an application essay for a program at school, and it asked to chronically the force(s) the influenced my life direction and decision apply in the first place. The issue is that those forces were having lived in a not always safe situation for most of my life, and kinda wanting to duck out early as a result of it. The problem is I can’t mention that because of the type of program that this is will immediately reject me… and that’s with out knowing that I have had no idea how to consistently keep waking up in the morning for […]
I will kill myself in december when I wont get admission in my favourite college to pursue my passion. I have some months in hand. I will ..be so sad then I might fall back again into depression. I mean right now things are okay so u see im alive still after two attempts. But then people will have a reason to see why I died. If I died now people will call me a fool. Im useless I wont pass the examination so there comes no question of admission. Waiting for that precious day.. when I will rent a hotel and there I will […]
Hello all. This is my first post so please bear with me. I am a 35 yo female struggling with several mental illnesses including chronic depression and Borderline personality disorder. Im not sure how i should be anymore because everything i have tried f-ed things up. I finally have gotten to the point i understand im not lazy, faking, seeking attn or looking for an excuse. However, it does not take away the Emptiness inside. Nor does it take away the feelings of wanting to commit suicide. I don’t understand why even on my good days small things can happen and i think i dont […]
I am lonely.
Mostly on days like today. I feel so completely alone though I am surrounded by so many people. So many people who might care, if I told them that is. But the thing is, even though I am surrounded by caring people, none of them notice.
Some days I get asked a simple question, “Are you okay?” and I know that I should quit lying. I should stop pasting on a smile and giving them some bullshit answer such as “I’m fine,” or on days I can barely muster that smile, “I’m just tired,”. As if lying to everyone around me will […]
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=TXIP6DHrc2I
Everywhere I turn, I find someone who I think is going to treat me different, like I’m a person and not an object to be used. But they all turn out the same. All but one person, who I’m so scared that I’ll lose I begged them not to ever leave me on multiple occasions.
I’m all broken and hurt and I think I’d rather be dead right now than feel this. I’m not saying I’m wanting to die, but it was an observation. Why is love and friendship not easy to come by? It seems as if no one wants me for who I […]
It has been three month now. And The hardest thing wasnt trying to suicide myself, but The month that came after i survived it. It has been a daily fight Of will, wanting to do things, even waking up. At The beggining i didnt understand all The situation and what it meant to be still alive, but nos The only thing i have to say is that im exhausted. Bits a never ending fight and effort to be and behave like normal when you know it is not. Trying to fight this and sin this dar is more difficult han living and never trying to […]
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to die and following through, so long as it is done with reason and not under high distress. I’ve researched it, even other species of animals have been observed to starve themselves to death or put themselves fatally in danger over what appears to be trivial reasons such as losing an offspring or close member of their species. Terminal illness is also a legitimate reason. The times that I don’t think it is normal is when a young person, typically a teenager or 20’s something, contemplates suicide as a solution for a temporary problem. For example, a person who thinks […]
By the end of my junior year and beginning of my senior year of high school so many things were going through my head. Also at that time my high school ex had broken up with me. So much confusion because she was my first love, we cared about each other tremendously, and she was all i could think about. But when she told me that she didnt want to be together any more it shattered me a bit. I played it cool for a few months, but just seeing her hurt even more. A year has passed and she graduated already. I remember visiting […]
I’m tired of a lot of things… It really doesn’t even make sense to me anymore… I mean, I’m tired of living, I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of breathing, I’m just tired…. And everyday of my life, I think about just being dead… Not even necessarily killing myself… To be honest, I really don’t want to die, yet I don’t want to live… I don’t want to kill myself, but I don’t NOT want to kill myself… Either way…. I’m absolutely exhausted of feeling anything, thinking anything, being anything… The biggest thing I’m tired of…. Is wanting to be dead…..
Despite the fact that I […]
Feeling more hopeful now that I have a community where I can write anonymously, and where I can help others. I don’t feel as alone anymore. I don’t think I’ll feel like a burden to others here, either.
There are people wanting to pull the trigger just like me, but I feel better now. I feel like I have a purpose now, and reading and relating to others has been surprisingly helpful. A few kind words. Thank you. I’m alive tonight. I started out doing research on the quickest, most painless ways to die, and ironically when I was ready to go, I find y’all. […]
My first time on here so please bare w me. I’m 36, was married at 23 to an emotionally abusive man. After many years of medications, therapy, hospitalization, failed suicide attempt, family pissed, lost most friends, finally left him, was happier than I’d ever been in my life….. Was fine being alone…. Friends came back into my life… Wasn’t looking for anything, enjoying new found freedom…. And then, my dearest friend since I was 18 suddenly back in my life, he saw change in me, gave him hope to get out of equally horrible marriage, we grew much closer and evolved into romantic relationship. […]
I posted here in May that I had a plan but couldn’t find a way to make everything happen, and it was frustrating beyond words. Shortly after that my on again/off again partner came back into my life and while the constant feeling of not wanting to be here was still there, it was dialed down a bit. He told me a few weeks ago that he is moving to another state to reunite with his wife (he’s been separated for two years), so things got dialed right back up. I got lucky, though, and found a doable plan that has little chance of failing […]
Hello everyone. A potential suicidal from Brazil right here. So, needless to say, English is not my primary language. I truly apologize if there is any kind of grammar mistakes on my reports here. Honestly, it is my first time posting something in a site such as this and I’m a little insecure of what to write here, but I decided to try and make contact and – I don’t know… See what happens. I don’t think it’s wise to keep all this torment to myself. If is ok with you, I would like to open up just a little… at least just once.
It is […]
So after about 2 hours of sleep last night, I bolt up wide awake after yet another extremely vivid dreams that I’m sure was chock full of all sorts of metaphors about why I need to die soon. Exhausted, but I know I’m not going back to sleep. I start playing some poker online, won a bit, then lost a bit, so broke even. Feeling a little better about not getting wiped out at poker. But my mind keeps drifting back to my dream. It’s difficult to know if it was a nightmare or not. It’s wasn’t unpleasant. And perhaps that is the nightmare. It […]