When I self harm I am upset or angry (I may cry) but mostly it is not from the physical pain, but by the mental pain. I can hardly feel it when I am doing it, you just kind of black out and go into a trance and forget the world for a little. Then I feel like a complete moron afterwards when you are hurting so bad from the cut wounds.
Tag:
Wounds
i can’t control how it feels and functions. I alter its actions if i try hard enough but i rarely have the strength. i want one thing but my body usually wants another. i wish my brother were never born so i wouldnt feel obligated to take care of him, but my body says i love him. i want to be a swinging polygamist for the rest of my days but my body says im afraid of people, women especially. i want careers, cars, cash and success but my body says theres no value in that; that i must be with people to be happy. […]
As a child, I used to idealize the world and humans .. I knew there were people with bad intentions, but my then-gullible-self believed the majority of us were working to make this world a place where one can feel alive most of the time (a better place) .. I used to see light and darkness wouldn’t have me shaken for too long .. I had genuine hope for the future (not that forced hope you’re expected to create)
From adolescence to when I dropped out, illusions had evaporated one after the other .. truth is people are overly concerned with improving their own situation, humans […]
I’m trying really hard, not for you or anyone else, I’m doing it for myself this time and still can’t do it anyway… you know that now I am completely sure that I’m worthless, I can’t be saved. But does it really matter? I’ll answer that for you… NO, but you already knew this.
Days pass, not being able to confront myself, only falling deeper and deeper, my consciousness dims… so many years of loneliness, sadness and fear now are showing their dangers.
How many scars will I let myself to have? How many cuts do I have to make for not feeling this way? How deep […]
My Immortal lyrics:
I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
‘Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone
These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I’m bound […]
to begin, i don’t even know why i’m bothering to write here. desperation, i guess.
on the internet i broke away from communities, i got involved in some pretty nasty self-detrimental whole weight issue ones and though
that whole communal thing was great ultimately it just led to health deterioration. i kind of got out of it, i mean i’m still alive.
i’ve already tried once: to do that whole self-dying thing. it didn’t work. i woke up, rolled out of bed, and went to my eight hour shift/job at the time.
continued on as if it were a normal day. i didn’t think i’d wake up, […]
That’s it. I said I’d wait a month before I made a decision, and I did just that. But now the time has come and the decision has been made. No more strings attached. No more saying goodbye and no more lies.
I have the date and, my method is a sure fire. I can’t afford to screw it up this time around. Besides I doubt I’ll get another chance like this…i hope the people around me who actually gave a damn can forgive me one day, but i figure that I’m doing them more of a favor this way then by sticking around. I’m not […]
i don’t know how to continue on with my everyday life. in my family, among my friends, nobody knows how i feel.
i hate who i am, i hate how weak i am, i didn’t get abused by my family or anyone at all, i’ve got both my parents so i keep telling myself im not allowed to feel sorry for myself, so many people is worse off than me. but i still feel sorry, and that makes me hate me more.
i’ve been sad and hurting since i started noticing my mother wasn’t normal, she and my dad are devorced. and my two older sisters never took […]
The blood flows from my arms
You cry and tell my that I need to stop
You don’t understand.
This is what keeps me alive.
This proves I’m still human deep down.
This shows me I can still bleed, that I can still feel.
The razor is my best friend now.
He never judges.
He’s there when I need him.
He let’s me take my feelings out.
It’s not healthy it’s what makes you right.
This makes me right.
No matter how sick and twisted it sounds, its what keeps me sane.
If the price to pay is a little blood and […]
i wish everyone will die. i wish my family will just drop dead. i hate this fucking world they put me in. they have no right to give birth to me. they have no right to make me suffer. im not ever going to be normal like everyone else. im just me, me myself. nothing will ever change. i dont want to change either. i try to be nice but i get hurt. if i have fire, i will burn my house down and everyone will just die. isnt that nice? if they have the right to give birth to me, don’t i have the […]
My past doesn’t really matter now, although the wounds still run deep in the hearts of my family and friends. I’m ashamed to say that I made those cuts and sores within them everytime I tried to hurt myself. This could be interpreted as me being self-centered which is not my intention, I just realise how much my actions effect other people around me and I’ll take responsibility for that.
I haven’t been a member of this website for very long, but I’m choosing to write now, because my one pressing reason to kill myself is something that I can’t bear to talk about with anyone. […]
You asked me once if my wounds healed.
They do, but only on the outside. I wonder if you’ve realized that on your own. I can’t find it in me to tell you that, and i don’t know why.
I would like them to, really. I want to stop…but i can’t do it on my own. I guess it’s because i’m such a weakling, huh?
The past 18 months have been difficult. Lost allot of things, cars, house, jobs, wife miscarried etc. Then in March my wife’s email was open and saw that she was into a couple of online relations with other guys. They were pretty explicit. One was local and they had made arrangements to meet. I called her on it. At first she lied about it, then came clean. We discussed it. I forgave her but can’t get it out of my head. Our relation ship was the last failure that broke my back. Life just seems to be unbearable. I love my wife very much and was […]
Older Posts