i can’t control how it feels and functions. I alter its actions if i try hard enough but i rarely have the strength. i want one thing but my body usually wants another. i wish my brother were never born so i wouldnt feel obligated to take care of him, but my body says i love him. i want to be a swinging polygamist for the rest of my days but my body says im afraid of people, women especially. i want careers, cars, cash and success but my body says theres no value in that; that i must be with people to be happy. im starting to think that my body is full of shit.
it controls me with memories and emotions, restricting my motion within the world. guilt trips and responsibilities but it’s all coming from my body, making think that i actually feel any given way.
pain is not the wound but your brain telling you that you’re damaged. i dont see any wounds, dont recall any serious trauma, never had my heart broke, and yet im constantly being told that im in pain; i feel it but i dont see it.
so maybe it’s not real. i don’t believe in god for the same reason; theres no actual evidence that he exists. it’s in the lack of evidence that the idea of god gains power.
ive been so wrapped up in my belief that im sad and depressed that i never once truly questioned it. my body is a machine and i treated it like absolute shit for the first 25 years of my life. maybe, this is what happens when you dont eat a single vegetable for years at a time, fo hungry 2-3 days out of the week and just in general, grow up malnourished.
i hate my mother for her negligence but a lot of people hate their rents and dont feel the way i do. I’m afraid of everything but am i really? im extremely shy and private at the office, but usually i’m fairly relaxed. is it so wrong to not want to get personal with your coworkers? is it so wrong to want to live my life free of responsibilities that arent truly mine? I dont think im wrong for feeling depressed.
i have issues with food and eating because of the way i grew up. i dont want to get personal with my coworkers cause i smoke weed all the time and mke shitty rap music and am not interested in changing just yet. my shy nature keeps me from engaging women on the street and trying for phone numbers. i dont want the job of raising my brother.
I’d say the shyness is all i have to work on; the rest of my feelings are justifiably crummy. my body and brain are screwed up inside but i dont think to the point that i need meds or treatment.