i don’t know how to continue on with my everyday life. in my family, among my friends, nobody knows how i feel.
i hate who i am, i hate how weak i am, i didn’t get abused by my family or anyone at all, i’ve got both my parents so i keep telling myself im not allowed to feel sorry for myself, so many people is worse off than me. but i still feel sorry, and that makes me hate me more.
i’ve been sad and hurting since i started noticing my mother wasn’t normal, she and my dad are devorced. and my two older sisters never took the time to look if shes was okay, so it was me who comforted her, me who defended her and me that had to pull her together when they broke her. i was always called the little girl, cause i was. i just didn’t have time to. when she found a new man, everything seemed to finally become normal. then she started cutting herself, drinking and lying to us. and it took years before she got admitted to a hospital that helped people depressed like her. and then i was sad, it hurt so bad, but i couldn’t let it show, cause it was not hard, not compared to others.
i lived with my dad, but i was always mommys girl, i looked up to her, and our relasionship was what kept it all okay, but i was sad, and i tried finding a solution, so i started cutting my arms. back then i didn’t wanna die, it just relieved some of the pain. but the day she saw the marks, when i visited her. i almost saw our relationship break, like a punched mirror, shattering into a thousands pieces. i left her then.
and i got so afraid now that she knew, it only made everything worse, i started cutting my wrists deeper, it took longer for the wounds to fade, and i kept wondering how deep it had to be, to reach the arterie. but i didn’t cut so deep. i couldn’t, it was not okay to be so weak, cause i didn’t have it hard, compared to so many.
i wanted to end it, it wasn’t okay anymore, it wasn’t bearable. and i hate myself so much, i know im a loser for being so weak, im so stupid. the only reason i haven’t ended it yet is my family, it would bring them remorse. i just dont know if thats enough reason anymore, i dont know how much longer i can continue… i just wanted to tell, just once, to be heard…