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Summer is upon us.

Every Summer since I was a teenager has been tough for many different reasons.
From being in hospital, to loosing someone to death, to drinking myself awake every morning.
This Summer is full of promise.
This Summer is probably going to be my most memorable Summer yet and maybe ever.
I have no money but so much hope and love that it could fill an entire city.
I’ve one small worry though. This might be the start of the end of me and my bestfriend.

I’ve known this girl Hayley for 13 years of my life and I’m 17 yet.
She is literally my soul mate.

I have done absolutely everything with this girl, we went to two schools together, had joined birthday parties, went over-seas with each other, lived in each others houses and seen each other practically every day since we first met. We could actually finish off each others sentences. We’ve both had problems and we’ve helped each other to feel better.
She is one of the reasons I could not complete attempting suicide on a dozen different occasions.
She is such a dear friend and always will be one of my reasons for living.

We have fought a few times growing up but always have re-mended our friendship.
She is just after completing her secondary level education and is now going onto college after Summer.
Sometimes when I would get into a relationship I would drift a little from her as I am a very dependant person and found one of my last relationships consumed all my time and interest in anything. It turned out to be a horrible and scarring relationship. But Me and Hayley were still practically sisters and stayed closer than ever.
For the last few months I have been in a relationship in which I am comfortable and is loving and fun.
Me and Hayley have drifted over the last couple of months but only today I realised to what extent and it hurt me very deeply as she is one of the most valuable things in my life.
I’m slightly exaggerating on how far we’ve drifted because we still see each other every week, and we go for tea and hang out, But I’m just scared that we’re going to drift over Summer because our group of friends are becoming different now.

As a person I do not enjoy life. I am suicidal quite a lot. Not because I am sad, well not any more, I was depressed for awhile but just because I was over hormonal when I was a teenager and I would blame all my problems on myself because I wanted to hurt myself. It is only a little hope that I hold onto that a select amount of people and things give me. She is one of those pieces that if it shattered or broken, nothing would ever fit properly..
I can accept that I will have to let her go enough to live her own life, But I want to still be a tiny part of her life that she may enjoy.

I am so young and really worry about too many things. I exaggerate so much and am so overly paranoid. I have the spirit of a 6 year old and a 50 year old at different times. It’s probably the drugs. Or the fact I am ”emotionally immature”, The phrase my Mam used to describe a ridiculously hard part of my life that she never looked too deeply into even though I was thought to be bi-polar, and had been diagnosed with BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) as I struggled with eating disorders and self harm. In my later teenage years I feared I showed signs of slight OCD.

My Mam was the type of mother that didn’t like to bring her kid into the doctor incase it ”caused too much of a fuss” and the sickness was probably ”our fault anyway”.

I have horrific self destructive tendencies and have used burning and cutting to drug and alcohol abuse as ways to harm myself. It sounds typical self pity teenager doesn’t it? Yeah, it was exactly that, But that doesn’t mean it still didn’t happen. At many stages I’ve drank every day, taken drugs every weekend, cut every time I’ve cried and puked every time I’ve eaten.

That was before though, and I really was just emotionally immature. I am very impressionable and I am able to see this as a now stronger person. But that still doesn’t mean I didn’t feel every hurt that went through my body every night.

Every step of the way through all those problems, Me and Hayley have still been friends.
I think the thought of us stopping being friends hurts me more deeply than anything I have ever felt.

So with all that in mind, I am going to lock away that dark, ominous feeling and beg whatever force there is that keeps me here to not let that happen.
I honestly don’t think she knows how much she impacted my childhood and helped me grow up to a teenager and now an adult. She’s put in a lot of the love and friendship that has made me who I am today.
I hope you start your own life but I hope you keep me in it.
I love you girlie, no one will ever replace you.

Summer can now start, and I am so ready.
I don’t know whether I’m sad or not any more. I hate being unsure but I’m nothing but.
I’m now trying to live life, rather than just lose and gain reasons to be alive or not.
If I really felt like it I could easily take my own life, without hesitation. But I still have reasons, and purpose, and that is why I am here. Recently I’ve been much more happier though.
I am in a very loving relationship, surrounded by my friends, Summer is starting and I’m growing up.

I’ve become more comfortable with myself than I’ve ever been.
I still have self-image problems but minor to the past ones, And I think of myself now as a confident and headstrong young woman, Which makes me very proud to say.
Anorexia is probably the darkest point of my life.

I know I am strong.
I know I will always have problems,
but I am learning every day to embrace love into my life a help soothe my problems and lull them to sleep.
My spirit is a tiny little baby, soft and playful and innocent, that just needs to be cared for and taken cared of.


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lyssalookingforhelp 6/11/2013 - 9:49 am

You probably thought no one read this, but I did. I’m glad you found hope.

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