I’m so alone

August 31st, 2009 by whitbread

I am depressed and sad and I’ve tried everything, and I don’t think I can go on. I have tried meds, therapy, doctors, yoga, everything. i get thirty seconds of peace each morning immediately after I wake. Then it’s like someone turns on the radio in my head and it’s a constant rant of hopelessness and hurt. 

One of the frustrating parts is hardly anybody knows the truth, and I have nobody to talk to.  My dad was a world champion sales rep because he was a true expert in how to make people feel good and feel comfortable. He was born with the touch. I learned it from him. I am also an expert at how to talk to people and make them feel good. I’ve MC’d many weddings at the request of the bride and groom, so of whom I barely knew. The problem is nobody would ever know what’s really going on inside me – I am in misery most of the time, but lately it has become distress and I just want to die now. It’s my nature to concentrate on people and give them what they want. When I don’t get it in return I feel hurt and resentful, and I carry the resentment for years.

Unfortunately, I even do this with therapists. I spend the entire session doing my best to make them feel proud of the poor job they’re doing. I mean that sincerely – someone with my background can automatically read people and communicate with them. From my perspective, most of the therapists who treat me do a shockingly poor job reading me and communicating with me. I leave the session wondering how they ever make it through the day. I leave even more upset, angry at at myself that I sat there and did my best to make them feel good, while they just sat there and accepted the compliments, while doing basically nothing to help me. In reality I’m awfully close to the edge.  

My wife tries to be helpful, but when I tell her truth she gets really upset and complains about how much stress it puts on her, so I back off and pretend everything is okay.

Today is bad. I spent all last week lamenting about my issues, then my boss came back today and realized all the stuff I had overlooked, and the meltdown began. I don’t feel like it’s worth going on. Honestly, if my dad didn’t wear his heart on his sleeves so much, and if it wouldn’t ruin him forever, I’d walk right downstairs to the subway and jump in front of a train. one moment of pain, a lifetime of relief …

 

thanks for listening.

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15 Responses to “I’m so alone”

Most recent comments shown, ordered chronologically on the page.

  1. Thanks for telling instead.
    Firstly, congratulations on your success of your salesmanship.

    But please bear with me, your 1 letter may not tell your whole problem.

    If I’m correct, you are working with your father in the same company.
    They say, like father, like son.
    Father especially has great expectation on his son.
    But it’s alright for a son to feel free when outside the home.
    But you work together, big problem!
    You see your colleagues, you see your father in their eyes.
    You see your father, and you see only your father.
    Since your father is already on the top, who else can compete. His son? Or you?
    Where are you?

    When your boss reprimanded you, you could only think he was comparing your low-deed work to your father-the supreme.
    No way to compete even you said you already that excellent in salesmanship.

    Are you living with your father? If yes, then big, big problem.

    You are excellent in salesmanship, but never can be the top as your father.
    You know it’s impossible task for you. You have low-esteem even you are that excellent. It hurts even when thinking of it.

    If you want to turn around. You need a new thinking.
    You yourself is your most valued customer you have to persuade.
    Do you think you are up to it?
    Are you really that good to persuade yourself?

  2. what the hell are you talking about? Did I make it sound like I worked where my dad worked? I certainly didn’t mean to. My dad was a stock broker who retired in 1993. I graduated from college until 1998 and worked as a writer for politicians, and I’m currently a speechwriter for a major corporation.

    I wish I never said anything about salesmanship so I could cue your nonsensical thinking. There, that feels better not to be so nice …

  3. Sorry,
    I’m not qualified at all.
    I’m stupid. Sorry!
    Just spam me.
    I deserve that.

  4. i just want to say sorry. im sorry you feel this way and that things came to make you feel this way. Maybe you should sit your wife down and tell her it hurts you when she gets mad at you for your depression. Tell her you know that she cares a lot but when she does this it makes it seems like she doesnt and it hurt you. Tell her you need her help to get out of this rut and things will be better if you can do this. I dont know if you believe in God, but if you do, try to understand him more and get closer to him. If you dont believe in God then forget that. Im just giving a suggestion. I dont want you to kill yourself. Just look at everything around you and think wouldnt you miss most of it. Your wife, your dad, your friends, the beautiful world itself. Theres sunshine, you just have to pull those curtains back and look out that open window.

  5. Hey, Bigshot,
    I was wrong of treating you as a friend in the first place.
    I was wrong of having the thought of helping you.
    I didn’t know you carry a brand name.

    We are here to find our peace, and not to see that our true self is worth a cent,
    and not to be humiliated as we had in life.

    By the way, you don’t belong here, if you want to kick ass, this is not the place.
    We are not the sandbags you can feel like kicking.
    And thank you for your teaching.

  6. Bigshot,

    You mentioned ‘whatever it takes to get an ounce of happiness’.

    Oh NO.

    NOT from me!!!

  7. U 2 remind me about a lot of things in the world.

    How a simple misunderstanding can result in so much hostility. Over what? Nothing really, once u look at it.

  8. Ah, the depression of the genius. Ever thought of doing stupid things for a while? Like maybe telling the therapist they were wrong, and telling someone you’re not perfect? which, by the way, you’re doing now.

    Anyway, too bad how the replies turned out, I guess you saw that coming when replying in that manner. It’s too much trouble isn’t it? You know how people will react so you don’t do it, but in return you cannot say what you really want to say and hurt yourself instead.

    I don’t have the answers either, don’t know which is better, telling it like it is, or making other people happy.

  9. I’m Reza, male and maybe 27 years old. I’m not sure about age.
    Just wanna say that I have almost a same situation.

    I know it’s almost too late, but want to say something.
    Just want to know
    Have you come through it or not.

    every time I make people happy, bring’em a smile after cry. I see that, I get more upset. I feel some parts of me are gone…
    any way

    I don’t like this, I’m tired, I don’t wanna live, I don’t even wanna die, I don’t know what I exactly want…

  10. Last night I was upset.
    I typed “I’m So Alone” into google search. This post was the second result.

    It was almost comforting to read this, to know other people feel the same way as I do. I realized that most of the problems on the site are the same just with different details.
    Connecting everyones stories of terrible feelings simplifies my complex of self importance. Not of course to belittle your feelings, I greatly appreciate your honest posting. Actually i’m kind of jealous of you, for the most part i’m happy and people comment on my “natural high” but for no rhyme or reason i feel terrible. I wish I knew why.

    But what I do know is that when im sad i know it will pass and ill be happy again, and when im happy I enjoy it while it lasts. I hope you’re happy at least some of the time. and maybe you dont want to hear this but you have helped me.

    I love you, thank you. Good luck.

  11. i dont know how u feel but im am in a similar situation i dont have a wife which wud make things much more complicated but i feel that alter persona that you and i have become used too acting normal so well u can convince others and even urself more a rare moment or two but when the lights turn off and everyone leaves the room u slip back into it like the air has just stopped being breathable and the confusing of what u actually feel or if u are self aware cuz u pretend all the time but i dread sleep only because nowadays i only dream of run of the mill stuff duin paperwork, filing things droppin by the post office and the worst part is that ill wake up, i have forced my self to be alone proclaimin to anyone who inquires why that i like my free time and i do it with a smile , i dont know how to blog so i just bleed my thoughts as best as i cud but i wann just let ya know that i hope that i make it through it and you should do the same even tho throwin myself off a buildin seems to be my main stroyline in my head at this point

  12. Just reading your post tonight after doing a google search. Hope you’re feeling better. I am using a Life Coach who uses the Enneagram as a way to understand yourself and others. Give it a shot. By the way I am looking for a speechwriter for my state senate campaign in northern Kentucky. Would you like to help?

  13. It’s a long time since your post, hope you’re keepin’ on.
    In response to your last 3 words – “you’re welcome”.
    Thanks for taking the time to share, it helps on this end.
    Cheers.

  14. I know what it is to be depressed. I have lived most of my life that way. As far as being suicidal, I have experienced that too. I believe the best thing to Do is just to wait a little. Your answer may be around the corner. One of my best friends killed herself. I wish she had waited or at least reached out to me. I would have done anything to help her. But I never heard a thing until i heard she was dead. I still think of her and hurt for her and it has been many years. For most of us there are at least a few people that will suffer our passing even if we don’t think so. I am very depressed, have been so most of my life. But I believe that we only have one life to live and to squander it is foolish because even if you suffer a long time your happiness may be coming and if there is No happiness for you you may still give hope to others. Wouldn’t you have liked to have that? Someone to give you hope? Why would you deny it for another? Instead of suffering in silence we should gather with others like us and spread the word we exist so that others like us should have a refuge and the rest can know there is a problem and they can help and not be our misery. I hope that anyone in pain would reach out to me and I can learn from them and them from me. We deserve happiness and we have joy to give. My name is Steven. 9546650772

  15. I’m so tired. I don’t know when it all happened or why… No matter how much I try, it all still comes back to me at the end of the day. Breathing is so hard sometimes. I read that first story and it resonated with me, but then I felt guilty even feeling this way because the last thing I want to do is take what I have for granted. I know. I get it. But I can’t do this anymore. I just wish I had a way out of this agony. That’s all. I just wanna be happy. I’ve made mistakes in my life just like everyone but I’m a nice person aren’t I? Do I not put others before myself? Did I not end up feeling this way just because I think of everybody else before myself? This world is heavy to carry it all on my shoulders. I can’t. And I have no one to talk to. Nobody. Every time I make someone else happy at this point, I just feel like whatever little is left in me is diminishing… I just wanna cry but then I have no more tears left. I just want to be happy. I really do. I just don’t know where to go from here. I want to be positive so I can attract positive things my way but I’m tired of faking it. God, I’m so alone…just so alone.. I don’t know what else to say. I hope I get forgiven my mistakes and I apologize if I’ve ever hurt anyone in any way… I don’t know what else to say or do… Will I ever feel fulfilled and happy again. I don’t know, I just know it’s been a long long time.

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