I’m so alone

August 31st, 2009by whitbread

I am depressed and sad and I’ve tried everything, and I don’t think I can go on. I have tried meds, therapy, doctors, yoga, everything. i get thirty seconds of peace each morning immediately after I wake. Then it’s like someone turns on the radio in my head and it’s a constant rant of hopelessness and hurt. 

One of the frustrating parts is hardly anybody knows the truth, and I have nobody to talk to.  My dad was a world champion sales rep because he was a true expert in how to make people feel good and feel comfortable. He was born with the touch. I learned it from him. I am also an expert at how to talk to people and make them feel good. I’ve MC’d many weddings at the request of the bride and groom, so of whom I barely knew. The problem is nobody would ever know what’s really going on inside me – I am in misery most of the time, but lately it has become distress and I just want to die now. It’s my nature to concentrate on people and give them what they want. When I don’t get it in return I feel hurt and resentful, and I carry the resentment for years.

Unfortunately, I even do this with therapists. I spend the entire session doing my best to make them feel proud of the poor job they’re doing. I mean that sincerely – someone with my background can automatically read people and communicate with them. From my perspective, most of the therapists who treat me do a shockingly poor job reading me and communicating with me. I leave the session wondering how they ever make it through the day. I leave even more upset, angry at at myself that I sat there and did my best to make them feel good, while they just sat there and accepted the compliments, while doing basically nothing to help me. In reality I’m awfully close to the edge.  

My wife tries to be helpful, but when I tell her truth she gets really upset and complains about how much stress it puts on her, so I back off and pretend everything is okay.

Today is bad. I spent all last week lamenting about my issues, then my boss came back today and realized all the stuff I had overlooked, and the meltdown began. I don’t feel like it’s worth going on. Honestly, if my dad didn’t wear his heart on his sleeves so much, and if it wouldn’t ruin him forever, I’d walk right downstairs to the subway and jump in front of a train. one moment of pain, a lifetime of relief …

 

thanks for listening.

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